Dear Goldfish is an (almost) weekly series where I answer questions asked by the internet. These are actual search words and phrases than show up in the Search Engine Terms of my WordPress stats. People typed these phrases into a search engine and somehow found their way to this blog with them. They appear exactly as they were typed and have not been edited or censored in any way other than the addition of a question mark on the end in some cases.
Part 1
I dutifully answer questions like how to be reasonable and who invented the desk-sized stapler.
- Language of the week: Greek.
Part 2
Highlights: a map of Africa with only baby animals, a yokai parade and Ray Bradbury.
- Language of the week: Arabic.
Part 3
Topics include fish tombstones, pirate ships, mice, career advice and toilet rolls.
- Language of the week: Russian.
Part 4
Discussing the First Amendment, yokai, missing shoes, honor, Carl Sagan and stickers!
- Language of the week: Jesus |ˈjēˈsəs|, verb ( Jes•uss•ing ; past Jes•uss•ed )
Part 5
I attempt to answer questions about space traveling, evil demons, dainzy twitters and quadruple amputees.
- Language of the week: Armenian
Part 6
Trains, drunk people, Finns, world records, glee and more terrible career advice.
- Language of the week: “pahk the cah in Hahvad Yahd.”
Part 7
Sarcastic metaphors, things to hate, tornadoes, dog feet, knock knock jokes, Batman.
- Language of the week: The Letter G.
Part 8
Robots, love, evil, gold toys, money trees, Vinnie Jones, Chinese finger traps, Hello Kitty Band-Aids.
- Language of the week: Filipino.
Part 9
Hitler, pumas, crystal balls, family portraits, Thomas Paine, crackwhoreism.
- Language of the week: Turkish.
Part 10
Diamonds, Smokey and the Bandit, Olde English 800, toy soldiers.
- Language of the week: Russian
Part 11
Dessert, Bigfoot, shoes, Smurfs, sandwiches.
- Language of the week: Russian (again)
Part 12
Topics include pocket watches, Hitler, Stalin, power animals and Bugattis (again).
- Language of the week: Arabic.
Part 13
Bughats, fonts, evil cakes, bunnies, bacon and firearms.
- Language of the week: Thai.
Part 14
Smurf photography, death, movies, riddles, the Milky Way galaxy.
- Language of the week: Italian.
Part 15
Plato, Schoolhouse Rock, happiness pills, nautical miles, Optimus Prime.
- Language of the week: Hebrew.
Part 16
Shenanigans, robotic eyeballs, lawns and chores.
- Language of the week: Russian.
Part 17
Distances between continents, sushi, squibs, man-eating vaginas and cat trees.
- Language of the week: Spanish.
Part 18
German Shepherd puppies, evil faces, geography, fucking Mars robots.
- Language of the week: Indonesian.
Part 19
Equal rights, the 4th Amendment, Japanese authors, Honey Badgers, left-handed scissors.
- Language of the week: English.
Part 20
Spacebattles, circle graphs, logical fallacy, underwater dogs, mages, sushi and mega creepy clowns.
- Language of the week: Turkish.
Part 21
Lincoln, Mark Ryden, Kandinsky, Beethoven, Santa, baby Jesus.
- Language of the week: Japanese.
Part 22
Valentine’s Day, the continents, art, tape dispensers and the perfect guy.
- Language of the week: Russian.
Part 23
Monster goldfish, bicycles, punk boys, curses, superstitions.
- Language of the week: Lithuanian.
Part 24
Clowns, Bèrenger of the Long Arse, touching oneself inappropriately, entropy, Bigfoot.
- Language of the week: Russian.
Part 25
Grandkids, continents, Joseph Conrad, Jesus, Max Ernst, unicorns, coat of arms, bunnies.
- Language of the week: Polish.
Part 26
The “V” word, T-rex goldfish, the Detroit Red Wings, hockey.
- Language of the week: Belorussian.
Part 27: Advice Edition
I give advice on being reasonable, writing letters, being positive and hanging toilet paper.
- Language of the week: Russian (again).
Part 28
There’s an awful lot of peeing and manboobs going on in here.
- Language of the week: English because no other language showed up.
Part 29
Boredom, giraffe lamps, artsy fish paintings, the American Revolution.
- Language of the week: German.
Part 30
The universe, money trees, crosswords, arcane curse words, dog poop, pigeons of peace.
- Language of the week: Portuguese.
Part 31
Tattoos, strippers, mustaches, dwarves love making, nouns.
- Language of the week: English.
Part 32
Leprechauns, unicorns, 14, my mom, a box full of toenails.
- Language of the week: Bad grammar.
Part 33
Baby Jesus, 21, American history, tattoos and sissies.
- Language of the week: English.
Part 34
Baby Jesus again, the call of the void, Mexico, burying dead bodies.
- Language of the week: French.
Part 35
The letter C, drug addicted whore wives, the universe, homophones.
- Language of the week: Finnish.
Part 36
Trees, au 79, telegraphs, boy’s names.
- Language of the week: German.
Part 37
Tin foil, Sonny Chiba, sociopaths, upper thighs.
- Language of the week: French.
Part 38
Clue to existence, the silliness of small birds, lookie loos, too tight pants guy.
- Language of the week: English.
Part 39
Vonnegut asshole, animal fingers, giraffe tails, catsing cats.
- Language of the week: nonsense.
Part 40
The height of fish, moving, sad boys, Archimedes.
- Language of the week: Hindi.