English. I speak it almost fluently and I’m a word nerd, but even I have a hard time following the logic of the language since there isn’t much. I don’t understand how anyone learns English as a second language. Much respect to anyone who manages it.

I’m not even going to get into all the English homophones, homographs, and homonyms, which just add several more layers of complexity to an already impossible language. This post just talks about pronunciation and how wildly inconsistent it is.

Disclaimer: I speak English with your standard sort of American accent and I don’t have a regional dialect. I have the kind of accent that non-Americans think of when they think of American accents. Your pronunciation mileage may vary depending on where you’re from.

Anyway, following are examples of just how stupid pronunciation of English words can get:

• car, par, far, mar, and even star… and then there’s war.

• glove, shove… prove, move… clove, cove. Clover and cover don’t rhyme. A dove (bird) dove (past tense of dive). Why all the confusion, -ove?

• tomb, bomb, comb… dumb. There is absolutely no consistency here other than the b is unnecessary. Go home, b; you’re useless.

• sow a seed, sew a dress, mow a lawn… feed a cow, make a vow? You can also tow a car, climb a tower, and put a bow on a ship’s bow. How now brown cow?

• Speaking of brown, there’s own.

• daughter, slaughter… laughter. That’s funny.

• Simile and revile do not rhyme, but simile and reveille do.

• wallet, mallet, bullet… chalet, fillet, ballet. Sometimes French, sometimes not.

• wear, bear, tear, pear… ear, dear, fear, hear. Half and half.

• blood, flood… mood, food… good?

• friend and fiend. One letter changes how it’s pronounced.

• alive and live. And again.

• font, front. Ditto.

• plague, plaque. “

• road, load, toad… broad. “

• stranger, danger… anger. “

• shallow, fallow… allow. OK. Moving on.

• would, wouldn’t. can, can’t. could, couldn’t. Therefore, shouldn’t don’t be pronounced doo-nt and won’t be more like willn’t?

• science, conscience. Both contain science, totally different pronunciation.

• surmise, promise, precise. Same 3-letter ending, 3 different pronunciations.

• viscous, visceral, viscount. Same 4-letter beginning, 3 different pronunciations.

• grieve, believe, conceive… sieve. Sure.

• home, dome… some, come. Um…

• pull, bull… dull, cull.

• tint, hint, mint… pint.

• Foul and soul don’t rhyme, but foal, shoal, and soul do.

• does, goes, shoes. None of these are pronounced even remotely the same.

• fury, bury, busy. None of these are pronounced even remotely the same.

• finger, singer, ginger. I guess we’re just making this up as we go along.

• break and steak, but bleak and streak.

• lost, cost… post, most.

• toll, roll, droll… doll.

• our, flour, hour, but also tour and four.

• addict, contradict, verdict… indict.

• principle, multiple, participle, triple… disciple. Explain that.

• character, chaos, chair, chest. Is it a k- sound or a ch- sound? Both! This also applies to endings: teach, tech.

• warm rhymes with storm, but worm doesn’t.

• horse doesn’t rhyme with worse, but hearse does.

• though, through, plough, cough, hiccough, enough. -Ough gets you oh, ooh, ow, off, up, and uff. Very economical.

There’s plenty more where that came from, but now I have a headache (same ending as mustache by the way) and I think y’all get the point. Good luck with this fickle language!