English. I speak it almost fluently and I’m a word nerd, but even I have a hard time following the logic of the language since there isn’t much. I don’t understand how anyone learns English as a second language. Much respect to anyone who manages it.

I’m not even going to get into all the English homophones (beau: boyfriend / bow: used to play a string instrument), homographs (bow: to bend at the waist / bow: a weapon), and homonyms (bow: a looped knot / bow: the front of a ship). Those bits of ridiculous add more complexity to an already impossible language. This post just talks about pronunciation and how wildly inconsistent it is.

Note: I speak English with a generic American accent. It’s the kind of accent non-American movie stars learn when they play an American. I don’t have a regional dialect. Your pronunciation mileage may vary depending on where you’re from.

Anyway, following are examples of just how stupid pronunciation of English words can get:

• car, par, far, mar, and even star… and then there’s war.

• love, dove (bird)… prove, move… cove, dove (past tense of dive). Why all the confusion, -ove?

• tomb, bomb, comb… dumb. There’s no consistency here other than the b is unnecessary. Go home, b; you’re useless.

• You can tow your car to a tower. Train your sow how to sow seeds so you can sew. You can write about right angles, right? How now brown cow?

• Speaking of brown, there’s own.

• daughter, slaughter… laughter. That’s funny.

• Simile and revile do not rhyme, but simile and reveille do.

• wallet, mallet, bullet… chalet, fillet, ballet. Sometimes French, sometimes not.

• wear, bear, tear, pear… ear, dear, fear, hear. Half and half.

• blood, flood… mood, food… hood, good

• friend… fiend. One letter changes how it’s pronounced.

• alive… live. And again.

• font, front. Ditto.

• plague, plaque. “

• road, load, toad… broad. “

• stranger, danger… anger. “

• shallow, fallow… allow. OK. Moving on.

• would, wouldn’t. can, can’t. could, couldn’t. Ergo, shouldn’t don’t be pronounced doo-nt and won’t be more like willn’t?

• science, conscience. Both contain science, totally different pronunciation.

• surmise, promise, precise. Same 3-letter ending, 3 different pronunciations.

• visceral, viscosity, viscount. Same 4-letter beginning, 3 different pronunciations.

• grieve, believe, conceive… sieve. Sure.

• home, dome… some, come. Um…

• pull, bull… dull, cull.

• tint, hint, mint… pint.

• Foul and soul don’t rhyme, but foal and soul do.

• does, goes, shoes. None of these are pronounced even remotely the same.

• fury, bury, busy. None of these are pronounced even remotely the same.

• finger, singer, ginger. I guess we’re just making this up as we go along.

• break and steak, but bleak and streak.

• lost, cost… post, most.

• toll, roll, droll… doll.

• our, flour, hour, but also tour and four.

• addict, contradict, verdict… indict.

• principle, multiple, participle, triple… disciple. Explain that.

• character, chaos, chair, chest. Is it a k- sound or a ch- sound? Both! This also applies to endings: teach, tech.

• warm rhymes with storm, but worm doesn’t.

• horse doesn’t rhyme with worse, but hearse does.

• though, through, plough, cough, hiccough, enough. -Ough gets you oh, ooh, ow, off, up, and uff. Very economical.

There’s plenty more where that came from, but now I have a headache (same ending as mustache by the way) and I think y’all get the point. Good luck with this fickle language!