Dear Goldfish Part 39

Hello, Internet. Welcome to the last Dear Goldfish of the year. This is the (never) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

This series has just been made significantly more difficult through WordPress’ awful stats page that they recently forced down our throats. I can no longer select search terms for the past quarter. I can only see them for days, weeks, months or the entire freakin’ year, because seeing a year’s worth of search terms on one page is very important. Thanks again for all your shitass improvements, SuckPress.

Fortunately, the ancient old stats page in the dashboard still allows me filter by quarter (for now), so yay:

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Dear Goldfish,
tattoo ideas for 16 year old guy?

None. You are too young to get tattooed by law and by the virtue of the fact that tattoos are permanent. I can guarantee you that whatever tattoo you’d get at 16, you won’t want tattooed on you forever.

I nearly got a griffin tattooed on my shoulder when I was 15. I’m so glad I didn’t. While I wouldn’t mind a griffin tattoo, I would hate the tattoo I would have gotten then. At a minimum, wait until you’re 18, but really, I’d suggest waiting until you’re at least 25.

Dear Goldfish,
Baby Jesus?

Yup, it’s that time of year again, where I get a ton of searches for baby Jesus. 97 of them in December alone:

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And that’s not including the ones that added or rearranged the words, spelled it incorrectly, nor this one, which has to be one of my favorite search terms ever:

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Dear Goldfish,
burying bodies?

Not today. Maybe later.

Dear Goldfish,
disney necrophilia?

Dude. I don’t even want to know.

Dear Goldfish,
where should i go get an animal finger?

OK, seriously, what’s wrong with you people? From burying bodies to Disney necrophilia to animal fingers. Stop that.

I can’t recommend anywhere to get an animal finger. Most animals, besides certain primates, don’t have “fingers” as such anyway.

Dear Goldfish,
why does the universe hate me?

Maybe because you’re naïve enough to ask the internet that? Just a guess.

Dear Goldfish,
boom headshot?



Dear Goldfish,
can white guys get tribal tattoos?

Can? Yes. Should? Probably not.

Dear Goldfish,
cat cons?

I know you probably wanted to know the Pros And Cons Of Cat Ownership like everyone else, but all I can think of is this:


Dear Goldfish,
vonnegut asshole?

I wonder if, when Vonnegut drew his little asshole, he could have imagined that, one day, there would be an online super repository like William Gibson‘s “Cyberspace, a consensual hallucination experienced daily by billions of legitimate operators in every nation” in which a search for “Vonnegut asshole” gets you this:

Asshole drawing by Kurt Vonnegut.

Probably not.

Dear Goldfish,
is redbubble profitable?

Uh, well, no. Not so much. I sold this many things this year:

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Which netted me only a few hundred dollars. It’s a few hundred dollars I didn’t have before and I’m very happy to have all those sales in my best sales year yet, but it’s hardly profitable in the sense of quitting my day job.

In over two years on Redbubble, I still haven’t made enough to cover my rent for even one month. If I was relying on Redbubble as a primary means of income, I probably couldn’t even afford a cardboard box under the bridge.

That said, I made money by selling my art, and I didn’t have to do a darn thing besides doodle and upload designs, so YAY!

Dear Goldfish,
you suck?

It’s possible. Everyone sucks sometimes.

Dear Goldfish,
“fish of gold” world literature series?

Hm. I don’t have one of those. Perhaps I should start one. I have read a lot of world literature.

Dear Goldfish,
pros and cons of catsing cats?

How does one cats a cat exactly? I suppose if one is going to go catsing, one might logically cats a cat, rather than, say, catsing a dog or a bunny.

Dear Goldfish,
which side is a giraffe tail on?

The backside.


Dear Goldfish,
isn’t the phrase “armed to the teeth” a nonsensical one? what does it mean?

As far as idioms go, that one makes more sense than most as it gives a distinct visual representation of exactly what it means. From

The expression to the teeth meant “well equipped” in the 14th century, when knights often wore head-to-foot armor. The idiom, however, only gained currency in the mid-1800s, at first still applied to weapons or other military equipment. Today it is used still more figuratively.

Dear Goldfish,
what the world would be like without fish of gold?

Not nearly as entertaining.

Dear Goldfish,
i’ll wait until you return?

Thanks! That’s mighty kind of you. It might be a while.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish by searching the internet for stupid things and ending up here. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.