FOG’s New Year’s Resolutions

The last time I did resolutions was in 2012, when I resolved to stop being a cat and become a cyborg instead. We all see how well that turned out. Meow.

Anyway, I don’t normally do resolutions. I find that I’m perfect as I am, but I thought I’d give it another try this year.

  1. Work more popular phrases into my vernacular like “ain’t that ’bout a bitch?” “horsefeathers!” or “keep on truckin’!”
  2. Practice making the west saiiiiide symbol with my fingers so I don’t look like I’m representin’ chicken feet:

    2Pac, west-sidin’ like a pro with both hands. Jelly.
  3. Don’t accidentally shoplift $100 sunglasses like this year. I was trying on multiple pair and forgot they were still on my head when I left the store. I could have taken them back, but I’d never have made it home again without sunglasses. Besides, had I meant to shoplift them, I would have taken the other pair.
  4. Don’t run over accidentally shoplifted sunglasses with my car like this year.Screen shot 2016-01-01 at 12.12.17 PM
  5. Acquire superpowers like x-Ray vision or laser eyes.
  6. If superpowers are out, acquire giant robot mecha with laser eyes.
  7. Laser eyes are important.
  8. Have a visit from every country on earth. I’ve been trying for this one since FOG started in 2009. According to my WordPress Annual Report, a lot of Africa is severely slacking on their FOG reading. Also, I would have a complete set of Asia were it not for freakin’ North Korea again. C’mon, North Korea. If Timor-Leste can visit, so can you. I just need one person from Best Korea in 2016. I can’t have a full set without you.
    Screen Shot 2015-12-30 at 8.10.22 AMI am, however, excited to report that, this year, I have collected a complete set of the Americas, both North and South! Way to go, Falkland Islands! If anyone knows anyone in Turkmenistan, Tajikistan, central Africa or North Korea, tell them to stop on by. We have cake.

    cake
    Get your own here.
  9. Come up with excuses to leave work early and take more days off, e.g., “I can’t come in to work today, because someone stole my legs.” Or “Sorry, I have to leave early. My hair is clearly on fire.”
  10. Work less, doodle more.
  11. More hugs for the dog even though she hates them. Actually, because she hates them.
  12. Eat more adventurously. Perhaps eat things I find on the ground like the dog.
  13. Stare at nothing more like the cat.
  14. Invent more words, e.g., bespectawinkle.
  15. Invent definitions for made up words, e.g., bespectawinkle n. the involuntary flicker in a person’s eyes when something is mentioned that they love or hate.
  16. Proofread posts before publishing them.
  17. Swear more. Fuckin’ A right.
  18. Make sure my car windows are rolled up before screaming obscenities at motorists and pedestrians.
  19. Read more books.
  20. Write more books.
  21. Do not, under any circumstances, write poetry. Except haiku. Haiku’s alright.
  22. Don’t start a zombie apocalypse.
  23. Or any other kind of apocalypse really.
  24. Don’t kill any more houseplants.
  25. Try not to kill anything at all really.
  26. Try not to die.

What are your resolutions?

Oh, and this is the 1300th post on this blog. Huzzah!

Also, happy new year!