Dear Goldfish Part 40

Hello, Internet. Friday + bored = time for another installment of Dear Goldfish, the (as if) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you.

The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

We had a little snafu with the numbering (it turns out there were two part 37s), so this is actually the 40th installment! There will be celebratory cake in the break room afterward (someone bring cake, please).

Dear Goldfish,
how tall is a fish boy or girl?

Well, this particular fish is a 5’9″, which is on the high side of average for a girl. That’s also on the high side of average for a fish, unless you include whales, which you shouldn’t since whales are mammals and fish are vertebrates.

Dear Goldfish,
when people dont say fish in front of my house?

Is there a law against saying “fish” in your area? Perhaps you’re not allowed to say “fish” between the hours of 9am and 5pm on Tuesdays. Or perhaps the people passing your house just have other things to talk about besides fish. If I’m ever in front of your house, I’ll be sure to say “fish,” regardless of what time of day it is.

Dear Goldfish,
being a mover sucks?

I can imagine it would, yes, but then again, I hate moving with the fire of a thousand suns. From the moment it is known that I need to move, until the last box is moved into the new place, this is me, only with less entitlement:

veruca-saltThough, I’m not as bad when I help other people move since there isn’t any pressure, so perhaps being a mover wouldn’t be that bad.

Dear Goldfish,
i want to right a letter to my fish thas died?

Okay then. How does one right a letter? is that like righting a ship that has capsized? I hope you have a good winch.


Dear Goldfish,
перевести текст?

Russian! To the translator…

Screen Shot 2016-02-19 at 9.03.32 AMReally? That is so meta. It’s like taking a picture in a mirror with a mirror behind you so you get a thousand yous in the mirror. Freaky deaky, man.

Dear Goldfish,
i am miss chatter?

Hi there, Miss Chatter. I’m Goldfish. Nice to meet you.

Dear Goldfish,
sad boy face shape?

Probably just like a regular boy face shape, but with a bit more drooping.

Dear Goldfish,
pictures of items made by left handed people?


Dear Goldfish,
hand stripping a dogs coat?

I don’t know what that means, but it sounds horrible. Don’t do that unless you’re talking about brushing them, then go ahead and do that.

Dear Goldfish,
max ernst thirty three girls ?

Max Ernst, 33 Girls Chasing Butterflies, 1958.
Max Ernst, 33 Girls Chasing Butterflies, 1958.

Yay! One of my favorite paintings. Well, now I feel somewhat lacking posting this painting right after my Pegasus hugging a dog drawing.

Dear Goldfish,
पैण्टी लाइन?

Ooh, another foreign visitor. I don’t even recognize that language by sight.

Screen Shot 2016-02-19 at 9.12.35 AMReally? My first Hindi visitor came all the way here to ask me about panty lines? I haz a sad now.

Dear Goldfish,
i.don’t have much social media accounts?

Good for you. You’re probably better off. I have some, but I rarely use them. Well, I did post this gem on Twitter this morning:

Screen Shot 2016-02-19 at 9.17.07 AMSo, you’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din.

Dear Goldfish,
40 words without a vowel?

I’d recommend getting either a Welsh or Polish dictionary. They use as many vowels as Finns use consonants, so I’m sure you can find 40 vowel-less words in there.


Dear Goldfish,
today is funny?

Well, today is Friday, which is the best workday of the whole week. I’m not finding it particularly funny so far, but there’s hope for it yet. The day is young.

Dear Goldfish,
vagina pinterest?

Okay, seriously, people, what’s the deal with this search? I get hundreds of searches with those two words together. What the hell? Why are so many of you searching that?

Dear Goldfish,
archimedes of syracuse, new york?

Lol. Well, you’re partly right. Archimedes was, in fact, from Syracuse. Archimedes lived from 287-212 BC when time moved backwards. There wasn’t even an old York in the BCs, let alone a new one. Archimedes, one of the world’s greatest minds, was from Syracuse, Italy. Close enough.

Actually, if I lived in Syracuse, New York and I had a son, I’d name him Archimedes just for shits and giggles. It’s probably a good thing I’m not a parent.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish by searching the internet for stupid things and ending up here. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.