Dear Goldfish Part 33

deargoldfishWelcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (hyperbolically) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,

Last time, a bunch of you asked me about “14.” Now you want to know all about 21. Quick, what’s 3 times 7? What’s the legal drinking age in the United States? What a winning hand at Black Jack?

Dear Goldfish,
old lady with dog face tattooed on her breast pics?

No, sorry, we’re not doing that. Ask the rest of the internet.

Dear Goldfish,
cute emo guys 12 years old?

Sorry, I prefer my guys much older than 12 and not very emo at all.

Dear Goldfish,
go vote?

It’s a little late for that now, but yes, the sentiment is good. Go vote! Next time!

Dear Goldfish,
is australia part of asia?


No. They’re two separate continents.

Dear Goldfish,
why is dogs better than a goldfish?

I’m not sure they are. At least, not this goldfish. Dogs are pretty awesome though.

Dear Goldfish,
american revolution funny tattoo?

There’s nothing particularly funny about tattoos or the American revolution. That reminds me. I really need to finish my History Lessons With Goldfish series.

Dear Goldfish,
pro and con of having baby jesus?

Really? I mean, seriously?

Dear Goldfish,
what do you call a left handed upside down writer?

Um, I don’t know. I give up. What do you call a left-handed upside-down writer?

Dear Goldfish,
i got off work and there was a wet spot on my bed my boyfriend said it was his drull but it was to low an to big?

Right about now, I’m sure at least some of you are thinking that I make these questions up. That it’s all a big sham, and there’s no way that someone would search the internet for that and end up here. Well, pics or it didn’t happen:

Screen shot 2014-11-06 at 11.07.21 AM

So, now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s answer the question.

Well, it could very easily have been something like nocturnal emissions, which is completely natural and nothing to worry about. I’m not explaining that any farther. Look it up somewhere else on the internet.

Dear Goldfish
green number 7?

Credit: Eurritimia via Flickr.
(Eurritimia via Flickr.)

Dear Goldfish,
pictures of baby jesus?

What’s with the baby Jesus all of a sudden? Anyway, there are no pictures of baby Jesus since cameras didn’t exist 2014 years ago. Sorry.

Dear Goldfish,
similarities and contrast between fog and spoon?

Well, as for similarities, they’re both nouns that exist on the planet earth. Contrasts include nearly every other quality.

Dear Goldfish,
why does my dog sleep with her butt facing me?

I DON’T KNOW. My dog does the same thing, so if you ever figure it out, let me know.

Dear Goldfish,
how to book the band goldfish for a 40th birthday party?

I don’t have a band. You can be glad of that because I have zero musical ability.

Dear Goldfish,
is it ok if a dreamcatcher tattoos with the breast cancer symbol inside?

No. You asked and that’s my opinion. Don’t get a dream catcher or a breast cancer symbol tattoo.

Dear Goldfish,
yes i am a sissy and i dont care because i like sissy things and i will live my life as a sissy?

Another one you probably won’t believe without proof:

Screen shot 2014-11-06 at 11.05.48 AM

I am not making this shit up, folks.

Anyway, as to the question, HELLS YEAH. You go on with your badass sissy self. High five!

Dear Goldfish,
if i do my best god does the rest tattoos?

As far as I know, god doesn’t do tattoos.

Dear Goldfish,
does the universe hate me?

For some unknown reason, I’m asked this one a lot. From now on, I’m just going to go ahead and say yes. Yes, it does.

Dear Goldfish,
i hate goldfish?

Well, I probably hate you, too.

Dear Goldfish,
do you lose calories when you blink?

Really, people? If you’re so worried about counting calories that you would actually blink more, you need to stop worrying about counting calories.

Dear Goldfish,
does a trouser with the zip being opened from the left mean it was specifically made for women?

Yes and no. Way back in the day, yes, a left-facing zipper meant women’s clothing, but in the 20th century, the practice of assigning genders to zippers went out of favor. Nowadays, almost all zippers face right, regardless of which gender for which the clothing is intended.

Dear Goldfish,
why so serious?

You would be too if you had to answer these questions.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.