With Thanksgiving coming up quick, followed by the ridiculous shopping extravaganza that is Black Friday only a week or so away, I thought I’d give you a head start on your shopping with a list of things you can buy me for Christmas. I know I’m a difficult fish to shop for, so feel free to get me anything on this list.
1. A Trip into Space
Price: $250,000 USD
Even with the first shuttle exploding, I’m not deterred. I would still like a ride on Virgin Galactic, just maybe not the next one. I think I’ll wait on space exploring for a while to make sure things are running tip top.
2. A Baby Tiger
Price: $13,400 USD
Buying a tiger has never been easier! Now you can buy them online!
Buytigers.com offers The Full Tiger Pack, which comes with a 5 month old tiger, a guide to raising tigers, an ivory collar ($1200 value) and three tiger toys ($160 value).
Phew. It’s a good thing it comes with a book. I was worried for a minute that I wouldn’t know how to take care of a creature that clearly belongs in the wild. I’m naming mine Seamus.
3. A Personal Submarine
Price: $1.5 million USD
Who wouldn’t like to roam around underwater in a personal submarine for two? I know I would. Seamus and I will be flying underwater in style. When you order mine, please, make sure the rear seat is big enough for a full-grown tiger.
4. My Own Private Island
Price: $7.6 Million USD
I’ve mentioned wanting my own private island before and I already picked one out. This one’s nice. My tiger and I would be quite happy here.
5. Gemstone Countertops
Price: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
Majestic Gemstone offers a full line of counter tops, tables, flooring and waterfalls made out of every precious and semi-precious gemstone you can imagine.
Your bathroom will look astonishing with our Gemstone counter tops or with our line of custom vanities and mirrors, a bath tub made from white quartz illuminated with LED light system will create a rich and amazing look that will turn every bathroom into a prestigious spa.
I would like mine in sapphire, please.
6. A Luxury Eco-Shower
Price: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
Who says saving the environment is purely for poor people? Now the mega rich can crow about being green, too.
This jacuzzi-inspired appliance reuses water and conserves heat. It has 3 different water settings: soapy water, shower water and rinse. The Luxury Eco-Show has a TV you can catch the morning news (or whatever else you feel like watching) on as you get squeaky clean.
This is my kind of shower. All you have to do is get into it and it does all the work. I would shower more often if someone did it for me.
7. A Custom Made Bust
I’ve always wanted my own action figures, but why stop there? I’d like to have a personalized bust of me, so that I always remember what I look like. These are made of bronze, but I’m sure you could probably get this guy to do one in gold for me if you twisted his arm. Or perhaps platinum. Whatever you think is best.
8. WineStation Pristine Plus Wine Preservation System
Price: $5000 USD
The only thing better than really expensive wine is not having to pour it yourself. True, you could hire a butler, but you don’t even need one with the WineStation.
It stores and preserves up to 4 bottles of wine for 60 days at just the right temperature. When you’re ready, simply select your pouring size, choose half full or full glass, and enjoy! Other features include a steel construction with a powdercoat finish, Hygienic CleanPour wine dispensing system, interior lighting, Touchpad control panel, and high-resolution, easy-to-read LCD screen that shows you the vintage, variety and the volume of the wines.
9. Moller Skycar M400
Price: $3.5 Million USD
Why buy a boring old private jet to travel to the mainland when you can buy a Skycar? The Skycar can land and take off vertically like a helicopter, but without the giant blades that muss your hair. It can travel up to 350 miles per hour.
It’s just a prototype right now, but I’m sure you could get them to build me one. Again, make sure there’s room enough for Seamus in the backseat, please. And I even like the color.
10. 1963 Ferarri 250 GTO
Price: Last sold at auction for $53 Million USD.
Yeah, I could be one of of those nouveau riche turds who goes out and buys a new Ferrari, but poo on that. I’m fond of the classics. This one is about as classic as it gets. There are only 33 of them left in the world. And I even like the color. It goes well with my Skycar.
Unfortunately Seamus won’t fit in my Ferrari. I’ll have to leave him at home. Or maybe we can buy him his own car:
Well, that will give you somewhere to start. If you run out of ideas, let me know. I’m sure I can come up with more ways to waste your money on me. There’s also a diamond encrusted pool table I have my eye on.