Dear Goldfish Part 32


For the first time in the history of Dear Goldfish, it is actually a weekly series since I just did one last week! However, the only reason I’m doing another is because I hadn’t done a DG in so long, I had leftovers. I suppose we’ll just call it even and move on.

Anyway, welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,

According to the internet, FOG is an expert on 14 since, in the last week, eight people have strangely searched just for the number and ended up here.

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I’m going to change FOG’s tagline to “FOG: for all your 14 needs.”

Dear Goldfish,
sing along and stories part 1?

Alright. Sing along with me:


To be continued.

Dear Goldfish,
possums are creepy?

Yup. Except the one I drew:


Dear Goldfish,
should i show my tattoos in pubic?

That entirely depends on where on your person your tattoos are located.

Dear Goldfish,
why does the universe hate me?

Really, seven of you asked me this? That’s not including the rest of you who can’t spell.

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It sure seem like it sometimes, but I don’t think the universe cares about you at all.

Dear Goldfish,
is the fish of gold a metaphor?

No. At least, not how I use it. Goldfish was taken.

Dear Goldfish,
awkward thing like gravy cake, a box full of toe nails?

I would say that gravy cake and a box full of toenails are pretty awkward, particularly if they’re given/received as a gift.

Dear Goldfish,
tell me about your mom?

No. Why would you care about my mom?

Dear Goldfish,
i edited your tattoos because you forgot the one thing a anchor does?

Um, thanks, I guess.

Dear Goldfish,
leprechaun riding unicorn pics?

Dude! I so wish I had some! I’m going to have to draw a leprechaun just so I can set him atop my unicorn drawing.

I did find this lying around the internet though:


Dear Goldfish,
write a letter to dead people?

Dear dead people,

I’m sorry you’re dead. Please, don’t haunt us.


Dear Goldfish,
hobby lobby taking away womens rights?

Yes. Read more here.

Dear Goldfish,
story of the crying fish?

There once was a fish named Goldfish who cried because people are stupid. The end.

Dear Goldfish,
its eerily quiet out there?

Well, that’s alright really. Quiet is good. If you start hearing spooky OOOoooOOOoooh noises or a chainsaw though, RUN!

Dear Goldfish,
dont test me?

Excellent advice. I have little patience.

Dear Goldfish,
why u dont listen me?

Because you are text and unless I run text through one of those apps that talks, I can’t actually hear you. Besides, you’re a total stranger and fuck that.

Dear Goldfish,
name of detroit red wings octopus?

It’s Al the Octopus!


I have a stuffed Al at home.

Dear Goldfish,
i has a boredom?

I’m sorry to hear that, but since your search landed you at FOG, it should be solved now.

Dear Goldfish,
how many countries in america?

Really? I’m just going to hope you’re asking how many countries there are in the continents of North or South America, not how many countries are in the singular country of America. Yes, let’s assume that.

Dear Goldfish,
work schmerk?

Damn straight. Friday afternoons are a drag.

Dear Goldfish,
why do lefties kill?

I don’t think handedness has any particular bearing on whether or not people are killers. That said, Lefties kill because the world is right-handed.

Dear Goldfish,
what did pople do before technolgy?

Well, we drank a lot. And knitted things by candlelight I suppose.

Dear Goldfish,
achieving. goatness?

I’m working on it. I hope to reach maximum goatness shortly. Stay tuned.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.