Hello, Internet. I’m bored and it’s Friday, which means that it’s time for Dear Goldfish, the (spasmodically) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, the internets, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.
what can you leave behind for great great grandkids?
Money? Money is always nice. If you don’t have any, leaving a letter telling them why you don’t would be good.
i hate this stupid thing?
Me fucking too. High five.
10 reasons why people hate goldfish?
I can’t even think of one reason.
interpretation edtaonisl (ecclesiastic) in 1913?
What the mother heifer is that?
Sure, I’ll take one. I’d like my continent to have a house like this, please. Never mind the dog. I’ll supply my own.
moment, a twinkling of an eye and nothing remains – but a clod of mud, of cold mud?
How very deep of you. Those are the words of Mr. Joseph Conrad.
jesus can kiss my ass?
Um, alright then. It’s your ass. Do with it what you like.
mapa afryki ze zwierzętami?
Ooh, Polish. For some reason, Translate translated it into Spanish: “mapa de África con los animales.” Fortunately, I’m an expert in Spanish and our Polish person was asking for a map of Africa with animals. This is from a very old Dear Goldfish, but here you go:
max ernst unicorn?
I’m not sure that Max Ernst ever painted a unicorn. But here’s one I found on the internet:
Huh. That almost looks like it could be his signature.
situation that was funny for you or contained humor?
That’s an odd way to phrase that. Anyway, if you click on the stories tab at the top, there are a lot of embarrassing stories that are also funny that contained humor for me.
relocate goldfish in boston?
I’d rather not, thanks. I already lived in Boston for four years. That’s long enough. If I’m going to relocate, I’d rather have it be somewhere new, like here:
finland coat arms lion?
Ah, Scandinavia And The World. Every time someone asks about the Finnish coat of arms, I think of this comic.
boston bombing batman?
I highly doubt that Batman had anything to do with the Boston bombings. He lives in Gotham City.
Ok, here’s a bunny I drew:
That one wasn’t pretty enough for you? Well, screw you, buddy.
cinderella and prince charming married?
Well, good for them I guess. I’m not buying them a gift.
funny and weird stuff to say?
Hyvää huomenta. Flurben glurgen rautatieasema snörtidörk yksi yö ensi viikolla blärk zi smeegenblästen sä heipeegen. Hauskaa päivänjatkoa, schweinhund.
I don’t know if my partly made up Germano-Finnic dialect is funny, but I think it qualifies as weird. It translates to something like:
Good morning. Your railway sheep were standing on my hello pigs one night next week so I had to synthesize them with my laserblasters. Have a nice day, pig-dog.
That should come in handy of you ever plan to own a farm in Germanifinland.
Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!