Dear Goldfish Part 38

Hello, Internet. It’s Friday and I don’t have much going, so that means it’s time for another installment of Dear Goldfish, the (not even) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you.

The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring. I shall do my best to answer them.

Dear Goldfish,
i don’t think we have a clue to existence universe life god?

I agree. I don’t think we have a clue either. I’m fairly certain the clue to existence has nothing to do with hating people in the name of some god though. If your god wants you to be a bigot, I’d recommend finding another god.

Dear Goldfish,

A long time ago (damn, nearly 100 years), well before there was a television series called Breaking Bad, there was a German dude named Heisenberg. He wrote a paper about quantum mechanics, an uncertainty principle was named after him, and he was actually rather dreamy.

Werner Heisenberg (Brains are hot)
(Brains are hot)

Dear Goldfish,
you look like a whote?

Alright then. Whatever a “whote” is. I’m just going to take it as a compliment.

Dear Goldfish,
why brain injury sucks?

Well, the brain controls everything you do, say, think, eat, breathe, etc. It is the thing that makes you you. If it gets injured, very bad things can happen. You might stop being you.

Dear Goldfish,
narate a story assuming that u have become a gold fish?

But, I already am a goldfish! Oh, alright then:


The end.

Dear Goldfish,
are small birds silly?

I don’t think size necessarily enters into bird silliness ratings. Some rather large birds are silly, while some small birds are very solemn indeed.

Emu's, a bird considered quite large by most bird standards, are a 7.3 on the bird silliness scale.
Emu’s, for example, a bird considered quite large (unless you’re an ostrich), are a 6.7 on the bird silliness scale. I mean, look at that tiny head. Plus, they tell terrible jokes.

Dear Goldfish,
i don’t like how men are on social media?

I’m sorry to hear that (you’re generalizing a whole gender. Don’t do that.).

Dear Goldfish,
what was life like before funny answers?

Very boring and not funny I’d imagine.

Dear Goldfish,
i’m a giraffe stuck in a human’s body?

That must be very uncomfortable for you since the average human is only 5’6″ and the average giraffe is 17 feet tall. Good luck getting unstuck.

Dear Goldfish,
what does begs the question mean?

I’m glad you asked. It does not mean to raise a question. It’s actually a form of logical fallacy. I explained it here:

“Begging the question” means assuming the truth of an argument without actually arguing it. It goes something like this: “This blog post is trash because it is garbage.” (A is true because B–which is just a rephrasing of A–is true). It can take a more convoluted form: “This blog post is trash because it’s obviously worthless. The fact that it’s worth nothing proves that it’s trash.” (A is true because B is true, and B is true because A is true.) Or the mother of all ridiculousness: “This blog post is trash because it is worthless. It has no value because no one will read it. Obviously, no one will read it because it’s trash.” (A is true because B is true, and B is true because C is true, and C is true because A is true.) That’s not an argument; it’s a carnival ride.

Dear Goldfish,
i hate lookie loos?

Me too. They hold everything up with their gawking.

Dear Goldfish,
too tight pants guy?

Ugh. I’m so glad the 1970s are over. Here’s hoping that trend never comes back.

Dear Goldfish,
things that we do before and still doing now?

Before what exactly? Well, one thing we’ve done before and after everything is breathe. Also, poop. We’ve always pooped.

Dear Goldfish,
technologies before and after hinges?

That’s an interesting question. While a billion technologies have been invented since the hinge, I’m not exactly sure what we used for hinges before hinges were invented. According to this history of hinges article on the webz:

The history of the hinge stretches so far back into antiquity that archaeologists aren’t sure of its exact origin. While many metal hinges remain from periods dating back 5500 years, there is also evidence from later cultures that wood and stone were used to produce them, it follows that some of these ancient Mesopotamian cultures may have been producing them prior to the Bronze Age.

Fascinating and something I never gave any thought to before. Thanks for that.

Dear Goldfish,
jimmy choo gold shoes?

I can’t believe I’m still getting hits on something from a post that’s over four years old. Surely Jimmy Choo gold sandals can’t possibly be in fashion anymore, right? I thought fashion changed every week. How can you still be asking about four-year old shoes?

From Well Known Facts.
From Well-Known Facts: Goldfish Edition.

Dear Goldfish,
we don’t like fish these days?

We don’t like you either.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish by searching the internet for stupid things and ending up here. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.