goldfish well-known facts

Well-Known Facts: Goldfish Edition

Fancy goldfish under special goldfish light.

This edition of Well-Known Facts focuses on the goldfish and its importance to the world economy.

FACT:
“Goldfish are actually made of gold. That’s why they have difficulty swimming. When they are flushed down the toilet in a solemn goldfish funeral, the sewer department collects them and turns them into bling.”

PROOF:
Fact 1: Goldfish are entirely golden in color.
Fact 2: If they weren’t made of gold, why would they call them goldfish?
Fact 3: Scientists have found that some of the parts of this beautiful, intelligent and quite funny fish are made of pure gold. The regular store-bought variety is usually 14 carats, while the fancy variety can be up to 24 carat pure gold.
Fact 4: The gold of a goldfish can only seen by using a special secret scientific goldfish light. The secret of this special secret scientific goldfish light will not be revealed here because then everyone would be killing goldfish for their gold.
Fact 5: Not all goldfish are made of gold. Only one in roughly 10,000 is actually gold, which is why it’s so valuable. If all goldfish were made of gold, well, it wouldn’t be worth much, now would it?

Here’s an example of how the special secret scientific goldfish light works. Below is a regular goldfish shown under normal lighting conditions:

Now, here’s the exact same fish shown under the special secret scientific goldfish light:

Regular store-bought goldfish under special secret scientific goldfish light.

Amazing, right? Now here’s the same experiment with a fancy goldfish. Here’s a fancy goldfish shown under normal lighting conditions:

A fancy goldfish shown under normal lighting conditions.

Now, here’s the exact same fish shown under the special secret scientific goldfish light:

Fancy goldfish under special secret scientific goldfish light. This fancy goldfish appears to be 24 carat gold.

The sewer department developed the special secret scientific goldfish light and they’ve kept it very hush hush. When harvested, the gold in goldfish comes in goldfish shape like they are pictured above, but the goldfish can be melted down and made into any shape you want. Goldfish are highly malleable and have a low melting point. I’ve managed to get my hands on some sewer department photos of products made with their goldfish.

Jimmy Choo gold sandal made from real goldfish. Second shoe sold separately.
Gold Puma sneaker made from real goldfish. Second shoe sold separately.
Mercedes made of regular car parts (I would imagine) but coated with real goldfish finish.
The gold Macbook Pro made of real computer parts, but coated with goldfish. This is just like my computer only mine is shamefully not made of goldfish.
And to go with your goldfish laptop, there’s the goldfish flash drive, or as it’s whimsically named, “The Goldflash”.
What would the world be without a goldfish Optimus Prime? Fortunately, we don’t have to ever find out.
I can’t think of anything more luxurious than wiping your ass with 24K scratchy goldfish.
And, lest we forget the original use for goldfish: solid goldfish ducats minted by the sewer department.

Science has proven that there are many uses for the goldfish. Uses, in fact, that most people would never even think about, and if they do, they would consider them to be downright silly. Be nice to your goldfish because someday they might be worth something… or maybe not.

This post is part of The Well-Known Facts Series.