Part 10 officially marks 100 things I hate! I never would have figured it would have taken me nearly a year to get here.
1. I hate the stupid things people put on their cars. I’ve never been one for bumper stickers since I don’t like the concept of people making brush stroke summations of me based on how I decorate my automobile, but some of these people out there on the roads are crazy. Some specific things that annoy me:
1a. I just saw a car on the way home with a vanity plate of a sports team surrounded by a matching license plate holder, the team’s name spelled out across the top of the car and no less than three bumper stickers of the team logo. What’s with putting several of the same bumper sticker on your car? Is it just in case we missed it the first three times?
1b. Vanity plates. What do they mean? First, it’s called a vanity plate which means you have to be vain to get one. It’s right there in the title. Second, half the time, I can’t make sense of them at all. Even when I do understand what the truncated gobbledygook is supposed to mean, well, they still don’t make sense. Why would you spend extra money on that?
1c. “My child is a…” whatever stickers and “Baby on Board” signs. I hated Baby On Board signs when they were popular in the 80’s and I hate them now. One would think that this idiotic trend would have died out by now, but alas, I just saw one the other day. What is the significance of these stupid signs? Every time I see one of these, owing to my contrary and violent nature, my first instinct is to ram the offending vehicle at high speed. Fuck you and your fucking baby. Seriously, I don’t care what you have on board.
1d. Lined up stuffed animals in the back shelf. That shit is just creepy.
1e. Truck nuts. Why in the name of fuck would you ever hang a pair of plastic testicles from your tow hitch? That’s just gross, wrong and stupid.
2. Priuses, Priusii or whatever the plural of the goddamn Toyota Prius is. I fucking hate these vehicles. The people who drive these idiotic looking modes of transportation are morans. I fully admit that my attitude towards Prius drivers is not only a gross generalization, but it is quite possibly, a cultural thing. People in other parts of the world might not have a clue what I’m talking about here. Lucky them. I’m also willing to admit that not all Prius drivers are selfish, oblivious, inconsiderate jerkfaces. That being said, these cockroaches on wheels are everywhere in LA and their owners are fucking idiots who don’t know how to drive. I have many hypotheses on why Prius owners are such dangerous, entitled nutbags:
2a. In the state of California, if you drive one of these stupid cars, it comes with a sticker that allows you to get in the carpool lane even if there’s only one idiot in the car. Because of this aggrandizement endowed to Prius owners by the Republic of California, all Prius owners literally think they own the road.
2b. I have a hypothesis that Priuses come with a speed limiter that makes them go 10 MPH slower than any other car.
2c. They have a time lag on their turn signals so that they don’t come on when the turn is commencing, but a full ten minutes later when they are not even turning. They only turn off again when the Prius intends to turn again.
2d. Prius mirrors are only designed for hair adjustment. Prius drivers have gotten used to switching lanes (sans turn signal, of course) without even looking in their mirrors because we are in their way after all.
3. Jumpy passengers. I’m not talking about bracing yourself because a Prius just pulled out in front of us without looking and we almost hit them. I’m talking about the more passive aggressive type of passenger. I am referring to the variety that hold a firm grip on the door handle at all times, straighten their legs to brace themselves every time we come to a stoplight, or yell “Watch out!” when there’s a car five football fields away. Nobody really likes being a passenger and I’m all for pointing out an obstacle if it is clear that I don’t see it, but in general, if you don’t like the way I’m driving, get the fuck out of my car. You can cart your own lazy ass around town. And for the record, I haven’t been in an accident in over 15 years. I’m that good.
4. I hate when websites format short articles onto more than one page so they get more page views, i.e. more ad dollars, or put ads in the middle of paragraphs so you have no choice but to look at them. I know it’s hard to make money these days on the internet when everything is free, but that drives me nuts. It means that I am less likely to visit your site again, which means you get less overall ad dollars in the long run. The most atrocious internet formatting is articles that are in a slide show for no reason at all. Unless they are pictures, there’s no need for that. I also hate pop ups, things that flash at me and guerrilla ads dressed up in camouflage so that you don’t think they are ads at first.
5. Bad graphic design. Whatever it is that you do for a living, whenever you see it done badly, it will piss you off. I am a graphic designer. My profession, unfortunately, happens to be everywhere. It’s on semi-trucks driving down the road, the internet, junk in my mailbox, billboards, signs on stores; it’s literally everywhere. Non-designer people probably don’t notice it all that much, but I do, because that’s how I make my living and there’s nothing worse than bad graphic design.
6. I hate women who think that they don’t need manners because they have a vagina, e.g. not holding open a door. Common courtesy is just that – common. It’s not called male courtesy or penis courtesy. Hold the damn door open when you see someone coming behind you. It doesn’t make you any less of a woman.
7. People who let their dogs bark and bark. I have a dog now and she only barks when she’s excited. If she barks too much, I calm her down. I have neighbors with dogs and their dogs howl and bark all damn night. They’re your dogs so you must be able to hear them too, since they’re in your yard and all. It’s just inconsiderate to let your dogs howl. Some of us are trying to sleep.
8. Software updates. Why does a computer always try to update your software when you are right in the middle of something? I could be typing this very sentence and my computer will tell me there’s an upgrade for some application I hardly use. By the time I tell it to fuck off, I’ve forgotten what I was trying to say. I think they do it on purpose.
9. People who don’t take a hint. I’m not sure why they are oblivious to silent forms of communication such as body language, or verbal cues like sarcasm or tone of voice, but some people just don’t get it. Perhaps they just choose to overtly ignore it. I can be on the phone for five minutes trying to end a conversation and they’ll just keep blathering away.
10. I hate that there’s so much hate in the world. I’m not talking about my stupid little lists of things I hate, but real, judgmental hatred. I mean people who hate other people because of the color of their skin, because they think their religion is better or because the object of their hatred is attracted to the same gender. This kind of hatred needs to go away so that we can focus on the petty things like how much Toyota Priuses suck.