Dear American Baby Jesus,

What’s up with your peeps? I read today that the Vagina Clown Car family (pictured) is going to pop out another kid which I’m sure they will raise to worship you. There are only 16 of them in that picture including the parents. Soon, there will be 21 like some sort of fucked up, bizarro world game of blackjack. And now their offspring has started having offspring since the oldest child is popping out babies as well. Eventually, all 19 of those kids might have 19 kids of their own. At that rate, in just 3 generations, that’s almost 7,000 clown car babies.

It really is a brilliant overpopulation strategy you’ve got going there. I can see how you’d want to flood the world with Xtians back in the days of famine and plague; back when bacon would kill you. Your religion made sense before we had microscopes and carbon dating. I can sort of see how people would believe in you and your dad before electricity when the survival of humanity was tenuous at best. If you’re going to have people breed, why not have them be Xtian so they can give their tithes to the church and buy indulgences to get their relatives out of hell? I get it. And good on ya. That was one hell of a pyramid scheme you created. Way better than L. Ron Hubbard’s.

But the fact is, American Baby Jesus, we now have electricity and science. And, I hate to tell you, science has all but trumped your fanciful book full of beatings, rape and contradictions. Yes, there are still a lot of people who believe in you and think you will come back, but I don’t think you will. Why the hell would you come back to this? I wouldn’t if I were you.

Even though these clown car people are supposedly all clean-living and debt-free, there are lots of your followers who are not. When they have 19 kids too, well, that means that I end up paying for them. Plus there’s the fact that the world is grossly overpopulated now, just in case you didn’t know. You might not have heard the news since you’ve been dead for over 2000 years and all, but there are more humans now than entirely necessary by a long shot.

There’s far too much media coverage wasted on people like this – the fact that I even know that these selfish bastards are going to have another spawn, for instance. Plus, they’ve started giving these mega-breeders their own TV shows. I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that showing that kind of excess, selfishness and greed on television isn’t improving your image any. Actually, it makes you look like a selfish asshole too. If you really want people to believe in you, you might want to up your demographic and advertise to people who aren’t drooling idiots. I know drooling idiots can be appealing since they will pretty much believe anything you tell them, but if you really want to be all-powerful, you’re going to need more intelligent people on your side. We can go over marketing ideas at a later date if you want.

That being the case, can you please tell your chosen people to stop with the baby making? Tell them that it’s alright to fuck, for fuck’s sake. They don’t need to have 19 kids; one or two is more than enough. You might want to update that book of yours and send out new copies to let them know. Or just create a miracle or something.

Thanks in advance,
Drat

This post is part of the Drat & Blast series.