A long time ago in internet years, I had another blog. It was called Drat & Blast and it was co-written with a very good friend of mine. I was Drat and he was Blast.
This friend is hilarious and you’d all love him if he wrote more, which he really should, because he’s a talented writer. He also lives in Philadelphia, which as you may know, is not very close to Los Angeles. Because of our continual proximity problems, we often chat online. Our conversations are, quite often, entirely ridiculous.
This post is one of them. Word for word, it is a transcript of a real conversation. Really. Nothing was changed except our names. Drat & Blast, the blog, is long gone now, but the posts remain. Enjoy.
Drat: I fucking hate onion.
Blast: I loooooove onion. Ima eat a raw onion and then breathe all up in yer face.
Drat: Raw onion is just about the worst possible food on Earth. Except maybe dill pickles.
Blast: That’s crazy talk.
Drat: At least onion doesn’t spread its weed juice all over proper food like pickles do. Not only are pickles and onion both disgusting, but somehow, everyone who serves me food automagically includes them on my plate, thereby infecting my proper food with vile odors and flavors.
Blast: Define proper food.
Drat: Proper food being whatever onions and/or pickles come on. A cheeseburger, for instance.
Blast: A cheeseburger requires onion. Most non-stupid diners recognize this.
Drat: No way, no fucking how. Get that vile, smelly, goddamn weed off my fucking plate.
Blast: Firstly, it’s a root…
Blast: Secondly, it’s the awesome.
Drat: It smells and it’s fucking disgusting. I’d rather eat a tube of toothpaste – at least my breath would smell good.
Blast: I cast you out! OUT! Do you like garlic?
Drat: Fuck YES. I will eat the hell out of some garlic. I’m not an idiot.
Blast: Yes, you are. Not liking onion = idiot. It is one of the first things they test for when testing for brain damage. “Do you like onions?” “No.” “She’s an idiot.”
Drat: Not only do I not like onion, I FUCKING HATE IT.
Blast: Mmmmm onion… with its sweet aroma of awesomeness.
Drat: Get that stinking weed off my food before it infects it with its toxic fumes. Natural gas smells better.
Blast: Natural gas has no smell.
Drat: The smell they add to it.
Blast: You didn’t say that, and anyway, onion smells like WIN.
Drat: Nope. Anything that can make you cry just by smelling it can’t be good. When you cut it, it’s a warning like the smell they add to natural gas: “This food is toxic and will infect the rest of your food with toxic if you’re not careful.”
Blast: In the Middle Ages, onions were such an important food that people would pay their rent with onions and even give them as gifts. Doctors were known to prescribe onions to facilitate bowel movements and erections, and also to relieve headaches, coughs, snakebite and hair loss.
Drat: If someone gave me an onion as a gift, I’d be PISSED. Besides, we don’t live in the Middle Ages. We know better now. We have SCIENCE. Get the fuck out of here with your goddamn superstitions.
Blast: In many parts of the world, onions are used to heal blisters and boils, and then eaten to help the ingester encompass the soul of his many enemies, enemies like you.
Drat: Back in the day, when people liked onions, they thought the earth was flat. When onions were popular, they thought the sun revolved around the Earth.
Blast: Drats are known to have an aversion to onions, resulting in severe moodiness, pallor, translucent skin, boils, moles, explosive diarrhea and hives – all common afflictions among those of that inferior race. Drats also have aversions to many other things that TASTE THE AWESOME!
Drat: Science has proven the onion to be superfluous and fallacious, just like man’s belief in god.
Blast: The onion is totally not fallacious.
Drat: One day, we will evolve past these superstitions. Some of us, onion-haters, are more highly evolved now though.
Blast: That’s more crazy talk. Once upon a time, Men believed that onions could cure impotence. Now upon a time, they know that this is not true, but onions still taste fucking badass.
Drat: Onions are outdated. Science > onions.
Blast: You’re outdated. Science has identified many positive effects of long term onion consumption such as: eating something that tastes badass.
Drat: Such as horrible breath.
Blast: A lower percentage of moles.
Drat: Birth defects.
Blast: A propensity for lucid thought.
Drat: Toxic mutation.
Blast: And total win!
Drat: People who like onions discriminate against those of us who don’t – just like being left-handed.
Blast: Drat, in addition to being an idiot, shall have to eat twelve raw onions in shame.
Drat: Everything is made for right-handed people and onion eaters. I am oppressed. Heavy is my burden.
Blast: Onions are not for the left-handed. Onions are for right-handers only.
Drat: Well, there you go then. There’s my out.
Blast: Not for eating anyway, but for stoning left-handers: Perfectly acceptable. Mmmm onion.
Drat: You’re an onion and I’m not going to eat you.
Blast: I am multi-layered and strongly smelling.
Drat: I’m going to start a non-profit organization. The Special Scientific Association for the Proper Treatment of Onion-Hating Left-Handers. The SSAPTOHLH.
Blast: Onions don’t need an association to advance their cause, and anyway it would be lost on the idiots who don’t like them, who would be too busy smearing feces on their own thighs to notice.
Drat: I’ll call it Onion Hating Left Handers Appreciation Group. OHLHAG or Ol’Hag for short. I’ll get T-shirts printed and business cards.
Blast: Maybe you should work on being less stupid and left-handed instead. I win.
Drat: Lyingliar McOnionbreath.