Dear Lady On The Freeway This Morning,
Why did you slow down to get into the fast lane and put your blinker on after you had already switched lanes? Not only did you execute the least efficient lane change in the history of lane changes, but you actually managed to confuse me, thereby causing me to apply my brakes. You owe me 2 minutes of my life.
Love,
Drat
Dear President And Legislature,
While I appreciate the noble endeavor of providing all of us schlubs with some sort of health insurance, this business is seriously not pressing at the moment. Mr. President, I know this was an election promise that you’re trying to keep. Hats off to you for attempting to live up to your word, but there are a couple of wars and a crumbling economy that should probably come first. Maybe, just maybe, people should have jobs before health care?
Love,
Drat
Dear Former President George W. Bush,
Your administration held the reins for 8 years and fucked everything up that was fuck-upable. Good job making such a disaster out of this country that your legacy consists entirely of TOTAL FAIL. I’m not saying that this new guy has all (or any of) the answers, but he can’t be much worse than you (fingers crossed). The only bright spot in all of this is that, hopefully, you did such an awful job that your political party won’t be in control again for a long, long time.
Love,
Drat
Dear Right-Wing Religious Nutters,
You lost. Deal with it. Stop trying to make things worse. Quit sabotaging this country just out of spite and sore-loserism. And, while were at it, leave the gays alone. Why are you picking on them? What did they ever do to you? Not everything and everyone has to follow your moral code. In fact, the thing that makes this country great is that there are so many diverse opinions and beliefs. Yes, that means that you are entitled to yours too, but stay the hell out of my metaphorical yard!
Love,
Drat
Dear TV Watchers Of America,
Dancing with The Stars? Really?!?! What is this, the 1950’s? Is the Lawrence Welk Show making a comeback? You seriously sit there for an hour and watch people dancing? Please explain.
Love,
Drat
Dear Facebook/Myspace/Twitter Users,
I don’t care what you’re doing right now. If I want to know, I’ll ask. Out of every 100 status updates, there are maybe 5 that are interesting, funny or newsworthy. For example, “My kid is/I am going to take a nap/going to the gym/going to a dinner/party/orgy to which you weren’t invited” is none of the above. Please stop with the banal updates before your status is “Drat broke 8 of my bones – the big ones, not those rinky-dink hand and foot bones.” And while I’m on the subject, Facebook/Myspace/Twitter is not a valid news source. They have no credentials.
Love,
Drat
Dear Women In Line For The Bathroom Ahead Of Me,
What are you doing in there? At most, peeing should take no more than a minute or two. And all you should be doing in there is peeing. If you have to do some other business, go home or find another bathroom without a line somewhere. People in line after me will notice how quickly I manage to get in and out of the little stall. You know why? Because it’s gross in there. Public bathrooms of any sort are not where I choose to hang out, have conversations, paint my toenails, do rails off the back of the toilet, compose poetry, contemplate life or whatever else it is that you’re doing in there. If you take more than three minutes (I have a watch), when you exit the bathroom stall, you will notice me shooting you a very dirty look. This is because you took for-fucking-ever and, most likely, you peed all over the seat. And, worst of all, do not take your girlfriend in there with you. There’s absolutely no reason why two adult females should be in the same stall while there is a queue. If there is nobody else in the bathroom and 900 stalls are available, do whatever you like. But, having stood in line yourself to get into the little pee cubicle, you know that people are waiting – impatient people with full bladders. Knock it the fuck off. Until you realize that there are other people in the world and you decide to pee like adults, you can expect to find me outside your stall trying to make your head explode using nothing but sheer hatred and will. The effort tends to show on my face. So far, I haven’t succeeded, but if your head does explode, it’s your own damn fault.
Love,
Drat
Dear Funny Email Forwarders a.k.a. Out Of Touch Relative/Co-Worker Who Thinks Lolcats Are A New Thing,
This here internet has been around longer than you, apparently, are aware. There are these things called websites that you can actually go to yourself without waiting for an email. The internet is a series of tubes. The internet is not a big truck. It’s not something that you can just dump something on. Anyway, once you navigate through the intertubes to one of these websites, you can see all of these funny things while they are still funny. All of these funny email memes spawned from the intertubes. Email is usually the last on the list to know. Email is the person in the office who never hears the juicy gossip until months later (like you). It’s slightly better than snail mail, but that ain’t sayin’ much. If you want to send me personal anecdotes or pictures of the new rugrat, sure, fine, whatever. But, for future reference, I don’t need any quizzes, chain letters, inspirational stories, lolcats, knock-knock jokes or the latest urban legend/virus news sent to me personally. If I want that, I can go find it myself. I usually delete them without opening them anyway while trying to get my eyes back into a normal position rather than rolling about in the back of my head somewhere. Thanks in advance.
Love,
Drat
Fish Of Gold 