Every time I get Freshly Pressed, I get new followers and it takes me a while to go through and figure out who they are, because I’m really lazy. I’ve been remiss in welcoming newcomers lately. I just took a look at my stats and it turns out there are over 1300 “people” following this blog. I thought to myself that it’s weird that there are so many of you since only a small regular crew actually reads and comments on FOG posts. It’s possible that some of you are shy and just don’t say anything, but that still only accounts for a minority of 1300. Who are you?

So I took a look at who you are:

Sweet! Now I know where to go to find criminal records, amazing salon zines, amazing customer service, sports software and garden accessories.

If I wanted any of those things–which I very well might at some point seeing as they’re important enough to start blogs about them–it would be positively silly of me to go searching on the rest of the internet, when all I really have to do is click on stats, blog followers and then scroll through until I find garden accessories.

Thank you so much for coming to me rather than making me do an exhaustive internet search to find you. And while we’re at it, I went through my spam folder, too, since it’s also been a while since I’ve answered my fan mail.

I’d like to thank you for leaving me all those links in your comments. It’s so much easier to go through all of my spam messages to find random things than it is to type something specific into a search engine and hit enter.

Besides all the links, do you know how I know that your fan letters might not be truthful? Well, this is hurtful to me, but it’s pretty evident that you didn’t read the post. When you comment on a post like The Difference Between Dog & Cat Part 2 saying something like, “This post was very informative. I’ve been searching for this information for a while!” I know you’re full of it. First, because I’m not an idiot. Second, that post is mostly pictures, not text. Third, if you’ve really been looking for this information for a while, there is clearly something wrong with you:

Do you see how saying that the post about my dog and cat’s reactions to belly rubs is “informative” could easily be construed as total bullshit?

This is not the first time I’ve written to you. Last time, I gave you this excellent piece of advice:

If you want me to approve your ridiculous and annoying comments, they should really make sense first. So, spammers of the internetz, you really should try harder, or preferably, STOP SPAMMING.

And to the few real people who’ve followed FOG recently: welcome, and please leave a comment so I know you’re a real person and not a spambot.

Speak up, sonny. I can’t hear you.