An Amphigorical Admonition

In the 1960s, an ancient poem was discovered in the village of Van Asch Mega Van Wijck Baviaanskloof in what is now The Netherlands. It was written on cheesecloth and carbon dated to c. B.C. 200. Scholars at the University of New Mexico have been working on translating it for over forty years.

This week, the head of the Archaeological Poetry Department, Dr. Philip Van De Naaktgeboren, announced that he has managed to translate several quatrains of the original 6,000 line poem. Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, the rest of the poem won’t be translated for some time.

FOG has attained exclusive rights to publish it for the first time. Below is the original poem and the new translation. For ease, I’ve included the original line followed directly by the translation in a smaller gray font.

Dr. Philip Van De Naaktgeboren, poet laureate and head of the Archeology Dept. at NMU.
Dr. Philip Van De Naaktgeboren, head of the Archeological Poetry Dept. at NMU, examining the original poem.

Alumveth sleething glabben enray
Many years ago
Didst cushowee zow emprum
Did people begat the cheese
Enst yestrate cushaway
In their village
Twast brangen t’etul droolum
T’was the beginning of total doom

Coo wis tout derby dimby grobnim
The cow was thought to be a dumb animal
Cushowee riped squeathy whot emprum
So, man harvested its milk for cheese
Fleetle cushowee deedsnt nodom
Little did the villagers know
Dee coo heest cushowee ondem
That the cow had other plans for man

Ary coo squely cushowee ahaped
For years did the cow docilely let man
Alit squeathy whot coo nary squailen
Take milk from its utters with nary a sound
Coo groozey weeld nary reganted
It grazed in the fields without complaint
Valen promost coo debiggen
It was all part of the cow’s plan

Won deeg bivander cushaway emprumifen
One day, during the village cheese festival
Cooen yarrow deedst haben frawten
A herd of cows gathered together
Sharmp justily cushaway paterflosion boomen
They stampeded into the town
Bersty cushaway emprum en roogratten
And destroyed all of the village’s cheeses and wares

Coo yarrowhed valler spaken metamenter
The head cow began to speak and the villagers could understand
Empope uns igumboomy cushowee coo
He told of a coming war between man and cow
Coo yarrowhed befored coo enboomer
He foretold of the cows would rise up
Cushowee noay deaster poinkee
and many people would lose their lives

Varnoo cowerfoil coo constintee
For now, the cows would continue
Squeathy whot emprum bargeytude
To let man harvest their milk in peace
Befored zon wheeny cushowee
But be forewarned, man
En zoomy prainshooby coo
The day of the cow will soon be at hand

Moony cushoween zon laden
Many generations from now
Coo aben cushowee ohmy
The cow would rise up when man least expected
Coo dow bigoomy inyerfacen
And cause vast destruction the likes of which man has never seen
Cushowee compleeby swirey whise
Unless man follows a few simple rules

Snorkby! Disten poomy whises
Take heed! The following rules
Coo gibben cushowee swoo
Are instructions from the cows to the villagers
Dopper strule cushoween onces
To be passed down through the ages
dehuff bigoomy inyerfacen coo
On what villagers need to do to avoid total cow destruction

Complebric foist whises
Rule number one

Totally made up for Prompts For The Promptless: Amphigory