Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (time-challenged) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.
Dear Goldfish,
monkey growing on trees?
No. Monkeys don’t grow on trees. They grow underground like potatoes.
Dear Goldfish,
lots of cats?
No, thank you. One is enough.
Dear Goldfish,
Mark Rydenリンカーン?
Hello, Japan. Thanks for stopping by. The translation for that is Mark Ryden Lincoln. How come Lincoln gets a Japanese word and Mark Ryden doesn’t? Anyway, Ryden is one of my favorite artists and one of his favorite subjects is Lincoln. Like so:
Dear Goldfish,
if god hates gays then why did he make me so cute gay pride?
Well, alright then. I don’t really want to get into an philosophical discussion here. I think the only people saying that god hates gays are the Westboro Baptist Idiots and I wouldn’t worry about anything they say ever. And congratulations on being cute.
Dear Goldfish,
pictures of mad people that have insomnia?
Dear Goldfish,
i tought my kids reading books?
That’s admirable. I’m glad that your kids are reading books, but for the record, it’s T-A-U-G-H-T, not T-O-U-G-H-T.
Dear Goldfish,
abraham lincoln t rex dinosaurs?
Dude. Awesome! I don’t know of any T-Rex Lincolns, but for only $25, you can have this badass print of Lincoln riding a grizzly bear while holding the constitution in one hand and an M16 in the other:
Dear Goldfish,
gave “wrong phone” after minor car accident?
The quotation marks around wrong phone makes it seem like you did it on purpose. That wasn’t very nice and it’s probably against a law of some sort. Besides, they can probably track that down through your license plate anyway.
Dear Goldfish,
gifts for people who hate birthdays?
Money is always a good gift.
Dear Goldfish,
in the alphabet r is before t?
Yes, that’s correct.
Dear Goldfish,
i write like bukowski, how do i get published?
I have no idea. I’m not sure the world needs another Bukowski. One was enough.
Dear Goldfish,
kandinsky+beethoven+5.?
Interesting that I’m not the only person to make the connection between Kandinsky and Beethoven. I wrote about it here.
Dear Goldfish,
synesthesia painting english mustard?
Hm? I like mustard, the English, painting and synesthesia. Not sure where you’re going with this.
Dear Goldfish,
“i hate people who wait for parking”?
OK, then. Go on.
Dear Goldfish,
monopoly railroads names?
OK. I’m not sure why you’re asking me instead of the rest of the internet, but I’ll try my best: Reading, Pennsylvania, B & O and Short Line (I had to ask the rest of the internet.)
Dear Goldfish,
loves to baste your turkey sound like a fish?
Do I even want to know? Probably not.
Dear Goldfish,
to dream of fish and the number 19?
OK, then. Go on.
Dear Goldfish,
describe my dream home?
How would I know what your dream home is? It’s probably got some doors, some walls, some windows and a roof.
Dear Goldfish,
“it is not a hollywood movie”?
No, it is not.
Dear Goldfish,
why do my new headphones smell likw natural gas?
I have no idea, but I’d suggest you stop smelling them. Are you sure it’s your headphones and not just the air?
Dear Goldfish,
santa worshipping baby jesus?
That’s probably never happened since they’re both sort of fictional.
Dear Goldfish,
words to decribe a laughing sound?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!
Fish Of Gold 