Part 13 written on Friday the 13th… Oooooh, spooky.

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (not quite) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
car made of diamonds?

No. Why would such a thing ever exist? Talk about impractical. It would get terrible gas mileage, you’d never be able to insure it, you’d be too paranoid to park it anywhere and the glare off the diamonds would be awful. That’s just a dumb idea.

Dear Goldfish,
who created the bugatti veyron?

Mr. Bugatti. If you want a real answer from someone who isn’t a total smart ass, I’d suggest Wikipedia.

Dear Goldfish,
bugatti veyron in shape of human?

What? That doesn’t even make any sense. Why would you have a car in the shape of a human? That’s idiotic. Alright, I am done with Bugatti questions. Every damn week, I get more and more questions about that stupid car. From here on out, Bugattis will only be referred to as Bughats on this blog.

Dear Goldfish,
beauty as arial?

I suppose, in a simplistic sort of way, the font Arial is beautiful. It’s not as ugly as some. It is free, which definitely makes it more attractive.

Dear Goldfish,
puma cat poop?

Wait, what? Why? I was going to search the web for puma poop, but I think you’re on your own with that.

Dear Goldfish,
why do goldfish die?

Well, my dear internet questioner, I hate to break it to you, but all living things will someday die, even you. That’s just the way it is.

Dear Goldfish,
the book under the bed?

As far as I know, I don’t have a book under my bed. I mean, it’s possible that one fell down there or the dog dragged one under there to destroy, but that’s not typically where I keep my books. I like to use a little invention called the bookshelf:

Dear Goldfish,
describe how a laugh sounds?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Dear Goldfish,
birthday cake of evil?

Why? Birthday cakes are supposed to be delicious, not evil. I suppose that evil people have birthdays too, though. Alright, here’s an evil birthday cake.

Dear Goldfish,
can superman get drunk?

That is an excellent question, dear reader. I have no idea. I’m just going to go ahead and say, yes, he bloody well can.

Dear Goldfish,
angry smurf working?

I’m not sure that there was an Angry Smurf. I know there was a Grouchy, but that’s different. This is the best I can do:

Dear Goldfish,
words for people who search for gold?

Forty-niners, miners, panners, gold diggers?

Dear Goldfish,
awkward family bunny photos?

Really? Do bunny families even have family photos? And if they do, are they awkward? Awkwardness seems like a pretty human pastime to me. Anyway, bunnies…

Dear Goldfish,
can goldfish eat bacon?

Fuck yes. Well, maybe not the real kind of goldfish. I think the fish kind of goldfish do not eat bacon. But the human kind, the me kind, certainly eat the fuck out of some bacon. Mmmm bacon.

Dear Goldfish,
is a child’s closet a safe place for a firearm?

One would be inclined to think that the automatic response to this question is a resounding NO! It’s not though. I grew up with a gun safe inside my closet as I described in this post and it was perfectly safe. Provided that everything is locked up tight and the child is taught a proper respect for it, there’s no reason why a firearm could not be stored inside a gun safe in a child’s closet. I mean, I turned out fine, right?

Dear Goldfish,
มายากลชามขายส่งปลา?

What the hell language is that? Oh, it’s Thai and it means wholesale magic fish bowl. Hm. I don’t sell anything wholesale, let alone magic fishbowls. If you find one, please let me know. By the way, Thai person, I love your food and massages. And Tony Jaa is badass. Keep up the good work.

Dear Goldfish,
can i put my dog in a rental car?

I can tell you from first hand experience, the answer is no.

Dear Goldfish,
gifts for people who hate birthdays?

I don’t know. Money is always good. You can’t go wrong with cold hard cash as a gift.

Dear Goldfish,
i hate you, insomnia?

Me too. High five! Let’s track down insomnia and beat it to death together.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.