Dear Spammers,

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I get a lot of blog comments from you. This many to be precise:

Your spam is so easy to see through that even a computer can catch it. Your comments never make any sense. For example, here’s one of them:

My brother i had been simply discussing your very matter, he is typically endeavouring to prove me completely wrong. Your own approach to this is excellent and exactly how I am. I recently e-mailed my brother this article to demonstrate him or her your view. After ignoring your web web site I saved and he will certainly returning to examine your posts!

Let’s break it down, shall we?

First, this was posted on one of my Well-Known Facts posts, which is complete balderdash, so you and your brother were discussing made-up facts. Good for you.

Second, why would you refer to your own brother as “him or her”? Surely, since he is your brother, you must know his gender, especially since you referred to him as “he” in the very first sentence.

Finally, while the words are strung together in almost sentences, they don’t really make a lot of sense. For example, “After ignoring your web web site I saved and he will certainly returning to examine your posts!” So after ignoring my “web web” site, he (or she) will return to examine it? You sure got a fucked up family, spammer.

In addition to the “I enjoyed your viewpoint and will pass it on” variety of spam, I get a lot of comments telling me that they can’t view my blog on their smart phone or whatever, which is not only a lie (I checked), but it doesn’t make a lot of sense. As far as I can see, the whole point of spamming my blog is to get me to approve a comment, right?  So, if the entire substance of your comment is that your iPhone can’t process it, why would I approve that? So, other people who read my blog can read your lie? Even if was a legitimate comment, I still wouldn’t approve it because other people wouldn’t need to see that. That type of comment is just lazy.

Another type of comment is the “Hey, I found this great penis enlarging and/or magical traffic improving product that you should really try, so I’m just going to leave this URL lying here, alright?” Honestly, I appreciate that straight-up type of spamming more than the “I’m trying to fool you” varieties I’ve already mentioned. At least you, magical penis enlarging spammer, are honest about it, even though I don’t have a penis.

What do you even think you are accomplishing with all this spam? It’s not like I read them so you’re not even spamming me, let alone my readers. Usually, they get deleted without being read at all. If you want me to approve your ridiculous and annoying comments, they should really make sense first. So, spammers of the internetz, you really should try harder, or preferably, STOP SPAMMING.

Now, fuck off.