Or top 10 ways to successfully blog or blogging while wearing a successmanship hat or whatever.

1. Engage your reader.

I don’t mean ask them to marry you. Although, depending on how attractive you are, that might work. I mean make them want to finish whatever sentence you’ve written. You’ve already moved on to the next one, haven’t you? Damn.

2. Have a hook.

Argh matey.

No, not that kind of hook. Although, the idea is the same. A hook is something that catches hold of your reader and makes them want to read more. Making fun of the poor simple rubes who read your blog is a hook.

3. Pictures!

People love pictures because they don’t have to read them. Here’s a kitty.

Here’s a puppy.

Here’s a ridiculous rainbow unicorn.

People love cute shit.

4. Stories!

People love it when you share things. It makes them feel like you are a regular Joe that maybe they can relate to. As if. Little do they know that you made it all up.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

5. Post the first thing that comes into your head.

Like this list. Sometimes spontaneity is the key to brilliance. Most of the time, it’s not. But sometimes it is.

6. Bribery.

It doesn’t count as bribery if you make chocolate brownies. Who doesn’t love chocolate brownies?

7. Lists!

Like this one. People love lists because then they can decide if they agree with them or disagree with them, like it even matters.

8. Don’t post the first thing that comes into your head.

Rubes don’t want to read you mish-mashed half-formed cockamamie ideas. Take some time to form coherent thoughts first. If you can.

9. Thievery.

If you can’t think of anything to say, steal someone else’s crap and use it for yourself. Be sure to give the original person credit since they might be angry and litigious (or don’t get caught).

10. Be me.

This one might be kind of difficult if you’re not me, which none of you are. But seriously, people, try to put forth more of an effort. Your shocking lack of me is appalling. I can only read my own words so many times.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Dear Friday, This is what fucking happens when you drag on too long. I’d appreciate it if, in the future, you could keep your afternoons down to a minimum so posts like this one need not exist. Thanks in advance. xoxo. Goldfish.