Dear Goldfish Part 14

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (irregularly) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
goldfish cemetery?

I’m pretty sure that no such thing exists. Maybe somewhere in the world they venerate the goldfish, but here in the U.S. we usually just flush ’em.

Dear Goldfish,
chinese finger torture?

No, thank you! That sounds awful. I’m rather fond of all of my fingers.

Dear Goldfish,
goldfish, nickname for a human female?

Yes? It’s my nickname. What of it? If you’d like to know why I have it, read this.

Dear Goldfish,
high quality smurf photos?

You do know that Smurfs are fictional, right? As cartoon characters, there’s really no such thing as a “photo” of a Smurf. It’s not like you can go out into the wild and capture action shots of them in their natural habitat since, you know, they don’t actually exist.

Dear Goldfish,
kartinki dowland?

I don’t know who that is. I tried searching it myself and it asked me if I meant “kartinki download” instead. I did not, so I have no idea who, what, where that is, but I know where you can download it now.

Dear Goldfish,
why do goldfish die?

Because they’re made of the same decaying organic matter as everything else. Nothing last forever. Just like Everyone Poops, everyone dies. Maybe I’ll write a children’s book called that and make a million.

Or maybe not.

Dear Goldfish,
fuck you insomnia?

Yeah, fuck you, insomnia. I wish you were a tangible thing so I could kill you. And then I wish I had resurrection abilities so that I could bring you back to life and then kill you some more. Fuck you, indeed.

Dear Goldfish,
cereal duckies?

I have no idea. As far as I know, there is no cereal that has a duck as their mascot. However, I did find this series on Something Awful called Breakfast Duck. They’re right. It is something awful.

Dear Goldfish,
i’m writing about all night fishing what can i write?

Oh, I don’t know. Let’s take a stab in the dark and say, if you’re writing about all night fishing, maybe you should write about all night fishing.

Dear Goldfish,
пума википедия?

That’s Russian and it means puma wikipedia. I’m not sure how that landed you here, but maybe the internet works differently in Russia. Anyway, here’s the wiki on pumas, which incidentally, was the first result when I searched. Good luck with your wonky internet, Russia.

Dear Goldfish,
if you don’t like the way i drive, get the fuck out?

If you’re carting some ungrateful wench around and that wench ever complains about the way you drive, you tell ’em exactly that, unless the wench complaining is a) a minor and leaving them by the side of the road would be irresponsible or b) a driver’s education teacher. But, pretty much anyone else, you tell ’em exactly that. Of course, there’s always the possibility that you are, in fact, a shitty driver.

Dear Goldfish,
bad attitude towards prius drivers?

Yes. I try not to be blindly judgmental, but there are certain things that I automatically deduct points for, e.g., chewing with your mouth open, using the word “irregardless” and driving a Prius. It doesn’t mean that I automatically hate you or anything, but you have to work that much harder for me to like you. I wrote about crappy Prius drivers and my distaste for them here.

Dear Goldfish,
list at least 24 movies?

What? Not list 24 great movies or 24 terrible movies or even 24 movies that are mediocre, but just 24 movies? That’s an oddly specific number. OK, I’ll try:

  • Blade Runner
  • Fight Club
  • Seven Samurai
  • The Evil Dead Trilogy
  • Alien Trilogy
  • A Clockwork Orange

I don’t know how many that is, but it’s enough to get you started. Watch those (arguably some of the best movies ever made) and then I’ll give you more.

Dear Goldfish,
4 riddles about natural disasters?

What’s with asking strangely specific numbers of non-specific things? OK, here’s one:

What’s big, windy and has a propensity for flinging cows and trailers into the air?

Answer that one and I’ll give you another.

Dear Goldfish,
top down view of milky way?

Well, now that’s an interesting request. First, humans haven’t actually ever left the Milky Way. Hell, we haven’t even left the solar system, so we don’t really have any pictures. The farthest we’ve sent anything is to the edge of the solar system and that took 20 years. We just don’t have the technology for deep space travel, because we suck. Anyway, here’s what we think the Milky Way looks like:

Our tiny little corner of the universe.

Second, really, what is the top? With everything flying around the universe willy-nilly, how do we know what’s top and bottom? Even on this planet, from the perspective of someone on the exact opposite side of the planet, I am currently seated upside-down.

Dear Goldfish,
sexual advice logo?

Um, ok, give me money and I’ll design a logo for your sexual advice business. That’s generally how graphic design works.

Dear Goldfish,
sex smurf?

Again with the Smurfs. It was a children’s show. As a children’s show, there was no sex on it, in it or around it. There was no “sex smurf”. Moving on.

Dear Goldfish,
jesus fish vagina?

What?! What the motherfucking fuck does that mean? Eesh. I don’t even know how to answer that. Moving on.

Dear Goldfish,
drunk girl panties?

OK, people. That’s enough with the sexy-time questions. This is a family column. Well, actually, it’s not, but still…

Dear Goldfish,
il sole centrale della via lattea?

Alright, I recognize that as Italian. Let’s see what it means. It better not have anything to do with Smurfs or panties… It means, the central sun of the Milky Way? That is an excellent question to which I don’t know the answer. All I know is that it’s not ours.

Dear Goldfish,
why is the first amandment important?

It seems that a lot of you don’t know how to spell amendment let alone what it is nor why it’s important. I keep getting searches like ammendment, ammenment, amendmant, amendant, Adam Ant… Seriously, I know it’s difficult to care whether you type search words correctly, but I’m tired of seeing it mangled. It’s an A-M-E-N-D-M-E-N-T to the C-O-N-S-T-I-T-U-T-I-O-N. Once you have that down, we’ll discuss why it’s important.

Dear Goldfish,
burning money tree?

That’s a silly thing to do. If you have a money tree, why in hell would you set it on fire? Harvest that sucker!

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.