Dear Goldfish Part 9

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the series where I answer real questions asked by the internet. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
hitler’s gold fish bowl regulation?

I knew the day would come when, somehow, this blog would be tied to Hitler, because everything on the internet is. I suppose my blog has finally made it now that someone searching for Hitler found their way here.

Anyway, I don’t know much about Hitler’s goldfish bowl regulation, whatever that is. I do know that, according to every World War II documentary I’ve ever seen on The History Channel, Hitler greatly underestimated the power of a Russian winter. I have no idea what that has to do with fishbowls, but we’ll leave it at that. Moving on.

Dear Goldfish,
you and your monkey funny thumb?

I don’t actually have a monkey. I’m not sure I’d really want one anyway. Word on the street is that they fling their poop and I’m not down with that. I spend enough time cleaning up poop from my dog and cat. I don’t need another animal that poops. And if I did, I probably would get one with a normal thumb, not a funny one.

Dear Goldfish,
real puma?

I don’t have one of those either, nor do I want one. My plain old, ordinary, domestic house cat is enough trouble. I can’t imagine the size of the littler box I’d  need for one of these:

A real puma.

Dear Goldfish,
grammar check my crystal ball tells me that?

What? Hang on a second, um… what? I don’t have a crystal ball, but it would be just my luck that, if I did, all it would do is check my grammar.

Crystal ball, what is my future?


Dear Goldfish,
balık resimleri?

Please hold while I translate your request.

That’s Turkish and it means pictures of fish. Why do you people want pictures of fish? More importantly, why are Turkish searches for pictures of fish ending up here? Whatever. Anyway, here’s a picture of fish:

Mmmm delicious, delicious fish.

Dear Goldfish,
what to wear for outside family pictures?

Clothes would be a good start. You do not want to end up like this:

I cannot stress this enough: wear clothes, people.

Or this:

Good god.

It doesn’t really matter what you wear as long as you wear something. Oh, but try not to wear the exact same thing as the rest of your relatives:

What’s with the bunny ears?

On second thought, if you can avoid being in a family photo at all, do that. Feign illness or whatever, because if your picture is bad enough, it will end up on the internet forever.

Dear Goldfish,
gold toilet that plays music?

I can think of no occasion at all where that would be necessary. A non-musical gold toilet is ridiculous in and of itself, but one that plays music? Well, that’s why the rest of the world hates America.

You probably have one of these already:

A standard toilet made of porcelain, not gold.

Then, put one of these on top of the toilet tank:

Old school, but you can get as fancy as you want.

Problem solved.

Dear Goldfish,
bugatti veyron price?

Too bloody much.

Dear Goldfish,
mashed up bugatti veyron?

Ouch. I’m sure someone has paid $1.7 to $2.7 million bloody dollars for a stupid car and then mashed it up. That person would be a damn idiot.

The car of an idiot. Good job.

Dear Goldfish,
what country did the cliche “money doesn’t grow on trees” come from?

That is an excellent question. I’m not sure. I always assumed it was American since it’s something my American grandma said, but I don’t rightly know. I wrote an article about the meaning of the cliché, but I didn’t include the country of origin. Sorry.

Dear Goldfish,
why are goldfish special?

All creatures are special. Every living thing on this planet has evolved over millions of years to have the exact specifications for their particular environment. Any species that is or ever has been on the earth is special because we’ve all won the evolutionary lottery. Yay, us. Why are goldfish special in particular? Well, because I am their leader, obviously.

Dear Goldfish,
thomas paine’s original handwritings?

Hm, sorry, I’m fresh out. I happen to be a fan of Mr. Paine though. He helped found the United States. He wrote a pamphlet called Common Sense, which is strangely full of none other than common sense. He also said things like this:

I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church. All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.

Go, Thomas.

Dear Goldfish,

Wow, really? That might just be the most interesting question I’ve been asked here. Well, crack is an addictive drug related to cocaine. Whorism is renting your naughty bits to people for money. So, Crackwhorism means to rent your naughty bits to others for money in order to buy crack. I hope that answers your question.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.