1. I hate getting old. I’m not old yet, but I am closer to old than I am to young it seems. I keep getting these weird little maladies that I wouldn’t have gotten when I was 20. For instance, a few years back, I was on a redeye flight from the west coast to the east coast. I took a Xanax and knocked myself out for the whole flight. I was in the window seat and I jammed my arm between the plane and the armrest causing nerve damage. It was so painful at first that the only comfortable position was to rest it atop my head. I went on vacation looking like I wanted to ask the teacher a question everywhere I went. I went to see a doctor, and after laughing at me, she told me that it was nerve damage and it would either go away on its own or it wouldn’t. There was not much that the medical profession could do for me. It went away, but now it’s back in a new incarnation years later. I have pins and needles in my entire arm. It’s less of a sharp, shooting pain and more of an uncomfortable soreness now. And of course, it’s my left arm and I’m left-handed. I’ve been trying to rest it as much as possible, doing everything right-handed. Fortunately, the world is designed for right-handed people making it easier to remember to use that arm instead, but it hasn’t gotten any better, or worse, in a week. C’est la vie. Life should be lived backwards so our best years are at the end like dessert.
2. And speaking of getting old, I hate that I can no longer eat things I used to enjoy. My digestive system has said, nuh uh, I’m not working on the following: dairy, particularly cheese, cashews and cabbage. I miss Coleslaw. I miss cashew chicken. I miss cheese. Damn, do I miss cheese. It’s probably my fault since I used to eat those things like crazy. Well, not anymore. My stomach has decided to be all sensitive and girly. Fuck you, digestive system.
3. Allergies. I never had allergies until I moved to California. We have these brutal winds called Santa Anas and they’ve been blowing here for a week. They’re the kind of winds where you’re waiting for something else to happen. Where I come from, wind like that means hurricane, blizzard, tornado. Here, it’s just wind, but somehow that doesn’t put me any more at ease. These winds dredge up every bit of pollen and dust on the ground and throw it up in the air like confetti for us to breathe. Weeee! I’ve been popping Claritin like they’re candy just to be able to breathe through my nose. Being a mouth breather sucks.
4. Excess packaging. I hate when you buy something, usually an electronic item of some sort, and it comes in one of those clear, hard plastic clam shell type packages. In order to get it out of the package, you need to use scissors or a chainsaw. There’s absolutely no way you can open those clam shell packages with your bare hands. Products should come in packages that you can open without a tool or injuring yourself in the process (which I’ve done before). That’s ridiculous. We don’t need that much packaging. And yet, some things that you’d like to get in packages, i.e. bras and undies, or a sponge or loofah that you rub all over your delicate parts in the shower, come in no packaging whatsoever, so anyone passing by can rub their grubby paws all over them before you buy them. Whenever, I buy one of those items, I run them through the washer just to get all the store muck off before I use it.
5. Politicians. They’re all liars. Really, think about it. In order to be an elected official, you have to go around your chosen district smiling, shaking hands and promising things to people you don’t know. I was having a conversation with a friend last night about politicians. For a second, I thought, hey, maybe I should get into politics. I could actually have a say in everything I hate about the government. But then I thought about what it would take to get there, the disingenuous falseness of getting elected. In order to become an elected official, you have to win an election, and to win an election, you have to turn into a liar straight out of the gate.
6. Mixed metaphors. In that conversation about politics I had with my friend last night, I actually said, “You grease my back, I’ll grease yours.” What? I had mashed up you pat my back, I’ll pat yours and greased palms. I hate it when I do that. Damn.
7. Starbucks. A lot of people hate Starbucks and I’m no exception. The difference is, I go there a lot. I have a friend who recently quit drinking so we have coffee instead of going to a bar like we used to. It’s fine by me seeing as I can’t drink alcohol these days without getting a screaming hangover and I do so enjoy coffee. It’s just Starbucks that I hate. I hate how overpriced it is. I hate how even if you order a plain cup of Joe, it still somehow tastes like it’s hazelnut flavored or something. I’m a coffee purist; I drink mine black, but the only way Starbucks coffee is palatable is by adding all that caramel and whipped cream to it, and that defeats the purpose. Even worse than the coffee are the people who go there and have conversations about the movie industry, loudly, either on the phone or in person as if I’ll be impressed that they’re writing a screenplay. This is LA. Who isn’t writing a screenplay? Worst of all are the people who sit in there alone with a computer wearing headphones. Headphones are innately antisocial. They say, don’t talk to me because I can’t hear you anyway. I can see wanting to get out of your house and be around people. I can see sitting in Starbucks because you just moved here, you don’t know anyone and are you’re hoping to find a friend there or strike up a conversation with someone. However, why in fuck would you sit in public on your computer wearing antisocial headphones? You could be antisocial at home, where you don’t even have to wear headphones, for much cheaper.
8. I hate people who think that sexual preference is a choice. Really? Do you think that homosexuals enjoy people hating them because they prefer the same sex? My heterosexual dating life has been so trite and passé, I think I’ll choose to become a lesbian so that I can be hated and ostracized by people, and not have the same rights as everyone else. That sounds grand. Not that this is any way related to gay people, but do you think pedophiles would choose to be attracted to children if they had a choice? Come off it. If you think people have a choice in who they are attracted to, try it on for size and see if it works. Think about yourself screwing Glenn Beck or a goat. That ought to clear things up for you. People like who they like. It’s not a choice. You choose to be a bigoted idiot; people don’t choose to be gay.
9. I hate that I just had to clarify that talking about homosexuals and pedophiles in the same paragraph is in no way related. Of course, they’re not related other than neither of them has a choice in sexual attraction, but none of us has a choice in who we are attracted to. None of us. There seems to be a small group of bigoted idiots who think that gay people and pedophiles are somehow related though. I don’t quite understand that thinking, but I don’t understand how those people think on any subject at all.
10. I hate racial profiling. I feel sorry for any Arab Americans who are singled out as terrorists simply because of their names and appearance. Not all Arabs are terrorists. In fact, a very tiny percentage of them are. Even in the Middle East, the number of peaceful, regular folk vastly outweighs the number of religious nutters willing to blow themselves up for the cause. As a white person, I’ve never experienced what it’s like to get pulled out of the line at an airport and be put through the grinder. It’s simply not fair. I know there are some real terrorists out there and it’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack, but there’s got to be a better way to find them than singling out an entire race. There are enough reasons to hate people individually without resorting to racial profiling.