Dear Goldfish Part 8

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (laughably) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by the internet. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
how can i tech fast hand writing?

What? Come again? How can you what? I don’t write fast by hand. In fact, I write waaay slower than I type, which is why I type everything. Well, that and spell check. So, you’re asking if there’s some sort of tech that can make you write faster by hand? Is that it? Well, I’m sure someone is working on it, like this thing from RobotLab:

While I appreciate the coolness of a writing robot, aren’t computers easier?

Realistically, if we have technology advanced enough to make us write faster, wouldn’t there be better applications for it? Writing faster seems like it would be way down on the list with washing floors faster or something.

Dear Goldfish,
nurarihyon no mago tattoo?

I tried translating this and mostly failed. It did determine that it’s Filipino and came up with a translation of “nurarihyon no magician tattoo” I have no idea what nurarihyon means and neither does the internet. As far as no magician tattoo is concerned, that’s very sage advice. I wouldn’t get a tattoo of a magician if I were you.

Dear Goldfish,
i am so in love quotes?

Is it Valentine’s Day already? Dammit. Just out of curiosity, why in hell would “I am so in love” lead you here? I have never used those words together as far as I know, unless I was talking about bacon. I can see me saying, “I’m so in love with you, bacon.” “I love you too, Goldfish! Eat me!” replied the bacon. So, I did and it was delicious. The end.

Dear Goldfish,
orangutan has an idea?

Yes? I’m listening. What’s the orangutan’s idea? Oh, are you asking me what the orangutan’s idea is? I don’t personally know any orangutans so I’m not privy to any of their confidences. I’m sure if I were an orangutan though, most of my ideas would involve food, sleep and procreation. Actually, I’m not an orangutan and most of my ideas involve food, sleep and non-procreating procreation, so I guess we’re not all that dissimilar. Primates are as primates do.

Dear Goldfish,
are human too dependent on technology for gas and groceries?

Well, that’s a new one. I am asked about human over-dependence on technology rather frequently, but not usually this specifically. Gas and groceries, huh? Well, time was, not even too terribly long ago, that things had to be rung up by hand at the grocery store. And there were such things as gas station attendants who would pump your gas for you.

I remember being very small and getting gas with my grandmother. She’d tell the gas station attendant how much and what kind of gas she wanted. He’d pump her gas, she’d hand him a card and he’d put it in one of these contraptions:

Old-fashioned credit card swiper thing.

The gas station attendant would put a piece of paper with copies over the card, run that top thing back and forth, have her sign it and then hand her one of the copies. All of this was accomplished without her even setting foot outside of the car. Can you imagine?

Even in my lifetime, we previously made do without technology for groceries and gasoline purchases, so I think we could survive without it again if need be. We might have to train people how to use one of those swiper things again. They do look fairly complicated, but we could probably manage. If the lack of the credit card processing gizmo at gas stations means that someone will come out and pump my gas for me, I’m all for it.

Dear Goldfish,
my goldfish is evil?

Sorry to hear that. Like people, some goldfish are just no good, but it’s not black and white. Nobody is truly evil, just like no one is 100% good. We’re all some ratio of both. Personally, I lean more towards the evil side myself, but that doesn’t mean I’m necessarily evil. Sorry, this is a very complex subject you brought up and there’s no easy answer. Anyway, good luck with your evil goldfish.

Dear Goldfish,
pictures of toy gold?

OK, I just did an image search for gold toys came up with a few items you may want to put on your Christmas list.

A 24K gold toy soldier set, a.k.a. Tiny Army In Strange War Poses, but hey, it comes with half a brick wall! (brick wall not included)

A $2.9M toy Bugatti Veyron made of gold, platinum and diamonds, which incidentally, costs more than a real Bugatti.

And this one was by far my favorite:

Gold toy lamp made of awesome and gold toys.

The table lamp is made using recycled toys bonded together and coated in a high-gloss polyurethane lacquer. The Gold Toy Table Lamp is available now for order. It is priced at $7,780 USD and will take 6 weeks of lead time.

On second thought, at that price, I could just make my own. Moving on.

Dear Goldfish,
wordpress poll used as quiz?

Why yes, I just did that the other day. It worked out quite well, except for the fact that you couldn’t see the answers that people typed in for “other.” Stupid polls.

Dear Goldfish,
the money tree where people die under?

What? I just read that again and, um, what? I don’t think there’s an actual money tree anywhere (except for that one growing on the top secret military base in Canada but that’s top secret, so shhhhh). And if there is, I don’t think people die under it. I’m not sure exactly what you’re asking, so here’s a nursery rhyme:

Canada, Oh, Canada,
How does your money tree grow?
With silver coins, and dollar bills,
It’s top secret so you’ll never know.

Dear Goldfish,
i hate people in parking lots?

Damn, me too. I always say, parking lots would be great if it weren’t for all the people. And all the cars. And generally, I hate people everywhere, not just in parking lots. *high five*

Dear Goldfish,
“what’s your function in life?”

Well, that is an excellent question, dear reader. Unfortunately, I don’t really have an answer for you. I do ask that question of my cat a lot though. He never answers either. He just kind of looks at me and goes “derp.”

Anyway, I picked that quote up from one of my favorite insane Japanese movies, Survive Style 5+, where Vinnie Jones asks that of everything he meets. Here he is asking a piece of broccoli that very question:

Dear Goldfish,
show all fishes around the world?

Well, that’s a tall order. Do you have any idea how many fishes there are around the world? I don’t either, but it’s more than ten. Wikipedia says its 32,000 species. Sorry, that’s too many to show here. So, here’s just one:

The one and only.

Dear Goldfish,
“once you’re in you can’t get out”?

It’s a riddle. Okay. What’s something that once you’re in, you can’t get out? Is it the mafia? A vat of superglue? A gang? A Chinese finger trap?

Chinese finger torture.

OK, I give up. What’s the answer?

Dear Goldfish,
band aid texture?

Why are you asking me this? Band-Aids come in many varieties nowadays from fabric to waterproof. I like my Band-Aids with a little personality. Believe it or not, I actually have and use these:

Hello Kitty booboo covers.

You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. I like the dichotomy of walking around with knuckle tattoos and Hello Kitty Band-Aids. When I first got my dog and she enjoyed chewing on my hands, I used these a lot.

Dear Goldfish,
ei elämästä selviä hengissä tattoo?

Hello, Finnish person! I have no idea what you said, but I know it’s Finnish. Hang on, let me go translate it. According to the internet, that means “does life survive tattoo?” but I recognize it as one of my favorite Finnish proverbs, which means “You won’t survive life.” God, I love the Finns and their sense of humor. Now that I think about it, Ei elämästä selviä hengissä might make a good tattoo.

Dear Goldfish,
i am pop culture deficient?

Welcome to the club. I am totally pop culture retarded as I described here. I have no idea who’s hot and who’s not, nor do I really care. *high five*

Dear Goldfish,
what is it like to have insomnia?

I’ve suffered with it for so long that sometimes I forget that there are people like you, dear reader, who has no idea what it’s like. Lucky you. I described it in the post called Insomnia and under the tag sleep FAIL if you really want to know.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.