Dear Goldfish Part 5

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (nearly) weekly series where I answer questions asked by the internet. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines.

Dear Goldfish,
cat swallowed rubber?

Hm. That’s a tough one. I’d suggest seeking a veterinarian’s advice since I’m not sure if a cat could expel a rubber all on its own. In the future, I might recommend leaving your condoms where your feline can’t get to them. Good luck.

Dear Goldfish,
wallet sized rules to being human?

As I discussed in the post The Rules: Or How To Be A Reasonable Human, I haven’t quite gotten around to making a wallet-sized version yet. Alright fine. Since you asked, here’s a quick and dirty version. I would suggest printing it on card stock or having it laminated.

Dear Goldfish,
i wish for for more space traveling?

Yes, I wish for more space traveling, too. I bet we all wish we had more time for space travel. Getting anywhere in the massive galaxy certainly does take time. Not to mention that the universe keeps expanding just to make it more difficult. Maybe someday, we can perfect faster space travel to cut down on the commute.

Dear Goldfish,
what did people do before the stapler was invented?

That is an excellent question. I am really not certain of the answer. I would imagine that we made do with paper clips and a complicated system of origami. Plus, these things, whatever they’re called:

What?… Oh.

I’ve just been informed that they’re called paper fasteners. How creative.

Dear Goldfish,
all about insomnia?

Well, as it happens, I’ve already written all about insomnia. You may find my sleep deprived ramblings on that subject under the tag Sleep FAIL.

Dear Goldfish,
goldfish toilet?

Um, if you must know, I don’t have a special toilet. I have a regular toilet just like the rest of you. Geez, you people are getting awfully personal with your questions lately.

Dear Goldfish,
золотые босоножки?

Here we go again with the questions in other languages. That’s Russian and it means “gold sandals?” Why would anyone in Russia be looking for gold sandals? Isn’t it cold there this time of year? And gold, being a metal, is typically chilly and brittle at low temperatures. It doesn’t seem like a very practical form of footwear for Russia. Actually, gold sandals aren’t a very practical form of footwear anywhere.

Dear Goldfish,

Apparently, that’s Armenian for “zorgone?” Maybe zorgone actually means something in Armenian, but in English, it’s a nonsensical nationality that I made up in the post Zygor The Zorgone. Now I want to know if that actually means something in Armenian. It must if Google translate actually translated it, right? Anyone know?

Dear Goldfish,
goldfish horror movie internet dating?

What? You want to know if there’s a horror movie with internet dating and me? I don’t believe so. I’ve never been in a horror movie, nor have I ever done internet dating. Sometimes my life feels like a horror movie, but that’s as close as I get.

dear american baby jesus,

Once again, two of you have gotten your columns mixed up. This is Dear Goldfish, not Dear American Baby Jesus.

Dear Goldfish,
evil demons with 3 holes on their faces?

What? Can you people start making sense now, please? You’re making my brain hurt.

Well, most mammals have at least three holes on their faces–two eye holes, two nostrils, one mouth. That’s a total of five holes on our faces, or seven if you want to count our ear holes. Perhaps there’s a demon with only three holes on its face? Perhaps demons aren’t mammalian? This guy looks like he might only have three faceholes:

I’m not sure. It’s hard to tell with all those spooky shadows. I’m not an expert on evil demons.

Dear Goldfish,
can we live with natural disaters?

Yes, we do it all the time. There are a lot of natural disasters on earth every year, and we’re still here and breeding like rabbits. In fact, sometime on Monday, Oct. 31, the world’s population is projected to hit 7 billion, so I’d say we’re doing a pretty good job of living with natural disasters.

Dear Goldfish,
what is a orangutan?

An orangutan is a primate… ah, fuck it. Just go to the wikipedia page on orangutans. That’s what I did.

Dear Goldfish,
a dainzy twitter?

What? I don’t even know what that means, so here’s a haiku:

A dainzy twitter
someone asked of Dear Goldfish
What the fuck is that?

Dear Goldfish,
i love the sound of your laugh?

Thank you. Question: How do you know what my laugh sounds like? Are you stalking me? Are you the person who was standing outside of my fence last night that my dog barked at? She’s very territorial and… ferocious. I wouldn’t mess with her. Also, I have a baseball bat and a gun. Really.

Dear Goldfish,
commonly known facts about the world?

Well, it’s round (technically oval). The surface is comprised mostly of water. The Earth orbits the Sun and the Moon orbits the Earth. It’s located in the Milky Way galaxy. Our nearest neighbor is the Andromeda galaxy, approximately 2.5 million light-years from Earth. As of sometime on Monday, Oct. 31, The Earth’s population of idiotic humans is projected to reach 7 billion.

Dear Goldfish,
how to make spurious gold?

You want to know how to make fake gold? Just so you know, using a fancy word like spurious doesn’t make it any less fake. I’m not sure how to make fake gold. Gold spray paint would probably be a good start.

Dear Goldfish,
when you’re an insomniac you’re never really there?

No, that’s not quite true. Insomnia doesn’t make you invisible or weightless, fling you into another dimension or turn you into a ghost of some sort. It simply means you are unable to sleep.

Dear Goldfish,
“quadruple amputee” arms legs fiction?

What the fuck? Who asks these things?

Sorry, I’m fresh out.

Dear Goldfish,
who is the goldfish leader in the goldfish and? answers?

sigh. This has got to be a joke right? Who writes “who is the goldfish leader in the goldfish and? answers?” and expects me to understand that? It’s like a goddamn word jumble.

Who is the goldfish leader? Well, I suppose that would be me since I’m the only Goldfish I know with thumbs.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.