Real People I Don’t Want To Drink With

In the conversation I had with some friends regarding fictional characters we don’t want to hang out with, inevitably we came up with some real people we’d rather poke in the eye than share a cocktail with. Originally, I wasn’t planning to post these for libel reasons, but what the fuck? If any of these people actually come here and read this crap, I’ll take them on (or more likely, just take the post down). Bring it. I ain’t askeered.

I’ve decided not to post pictures of these people like I did in the fictional character post because I don’t want to look at them.

Quentin Tarantino

Number one with a bullet. I can’t think of a single more annoying person than this guy. Even though I like some of his films, I can’t stand to see him on screen or hear his nasally voice. He should never act. He should never do director commentary. And most of all, he should stop stealing from other people.

Glenn Beck

Gah! Kill it! This guy. What can be said about this guy? He works for Fox News; that pretty well sums it up. Everything that comes out of his smarmy mouth is just sickening. Just the thought of being in the same room with this turd makes me never want to be in a room. I’ll live outdoors in a lean-to and make friends with the deer and bunnies instead.

Bill O’Reilly

The mouthpiece of idiots. See Glenn Beck.

Bill Maher

Unlike Beck and O’Reilly, I actually agree with some of the things Maher says. Some of the things he says. However, I can’t stand to watch his lips flap. He is so damn smug that I’d want to punch him in the face as soon as he opened his mouth. He needs to just write the things he says down and never be where I can hear him or see him.

Oprah

While I admire Oprah’s entrepreneurial savvy, I can’t stand the woman, mostly because of the way she chooses to wield her mighty influence over womankind. Her book club is pathetic. Her “I’m okay, you’re okay” sheep-herding mentality makes me ashamed to be female. “Everyone stand up and pat themselves on the back! Now pat your neighbor on her back! Now cheer! WOOOOOO!” Fuck off.

Zooey Deschanel

I don’t really hate Zooey at all. I just hate the fact that she’s everywhere. She seems to be this ideal of what women are supposed to be like these days. While I think she is very cute, she doesn’t represent me nor does she represent an ideal that I want to be. Granted, I haven’t met her so this is all supposition, but she has the type of personality that would grind on my nerves after about fifteen minutes. It seems to me that she is the same person on screen as off. “Zooey Deschanel plays Zooey Deschanel in another film about Zooey Deschanel!” She’s wearing out her welcome rather quickly.

Leonardo DiCaprio

While I don’t hate Zooey, I have an unrestrained and mostly unfounded loathing for Leonardo. I cannot stand his smug little face at all. I become irrationally angry whenever I watch one of his films, which is why I don’t watch his films. I realize it’s completely unfair of me to say he’s a shitty actor when I haven’t seen him act in anything since he was like twelve, but there it is. I can’t stand Leonardo DiCraprio for reasons even I don’t really understand.

Martin Scorsese

And while we’re on the subject of DiCraprio, I don’t really want to drink with Scorsese either, except that I would like to ask him why he keeps using DiCraprio in his films. I haven’t seen a Scorsese film in eons because of his obsessive love for hiring that pissant. I don’t really think I’m missing much though. I had a dream once that I was Martin Scorsese, through which I annoyed myself. I didn’t enjoy being prolix and short.

Tom Cruise or any of the Scientologists

I am irreligious to a fault really. I don’t like any of them, mostly because religions are responsible for wars, bigotry, killing, sexism and discrimination. Scientology, while technically a religion I suppose, is actually more like a brainwashing cult. These people scare me. I’ve walked past the huge Scientology thing on Hollywood Blvd. and have been asked to take a test to see how happy I am or whatever. Half of me wants to take it just for curiosity’s sake, but the other half of me is already in screaming in retreat like a little girl confronted with a huge spider. At my last apartment, the person who lived there before me was on their mailing list.  Since she hadn’t lived there in four years, I got their propaganda instead. I used to read it at arms length for a giggle, but there’s really nothing funny about Scientology. It’s scary and it needs to stop.

Halle Berry

She’s gorgeous; I’ll give her that. However, like Zooey, Halle plays Halle in everything she does and I’m not quite sure I like it. Although, I would like to know why it is that she got away with several drunken hit and run accidents (between 1997 and 2007, there were three) with nothing more than a slap on the wrist. If she wasn’t Halle Berry, she would be in jail. If I did end up drinking with her, I’d make sure she took a cab home.

Kathy Griffin

I find most comedians to be not funny, especially, for whatever reason, female comedians. I think it’s because I don’t relate to their jokes about kids, marriage, PMS or shopping, and it seems that I’m supposed to, because we both have vaginas. I am a female, but I don’t really think of myself as one. I hate gender stereotypes and most female comedians fall right into the trap of promulgating them. I’m not saying that Kathy Griffin does or does not do that, mostly because I have no idea what she says because I can’t stand to hear the words coming out of her mouth. For whatever reason, irrationally, like Leonardo, I cannot stand this woman. I’d rather have a week-long sleepover with Halle and Zooey than hang out with Kathy Griffin for even an hour. It would get ugly.