Fictional Characters I Don’t Want To Drink With

I was sitting around with a couple of friends of mine the other night, shooting the shit and generally being awesome, when the subject of fictional characters we’d like to hang out with came up. I told them about the post I had written with the same name. When I told my friends that I ultimately chose Spider Jerusalem from Transmetropolitan, one of my friends called me a hipster. “Why is it hipster? You’ve read that series and own it, too.” He replied, “It’s hipster because it’s obscure.” “Pish posh,” I said, “It’s not like I intentionally chose something that was obscure; that was just my answer. Hipster is when you intentionally boast about your knowledge of obscure things to try to impress people. I never try to impress people, mainly because I don’t care.” “Hipster,” he said. I told him that the post was featured on WarrenEllis.com, and after being duly impressed, he shut up.

Then the conversation turned to fictional characters we would make up an excuse to get out of drinking with, because the experience would be rotten and because we’re not especially social people anyway. It became drinking because with us, you can’t just hang out with someone, you have to drink with them, too. There’s really only one way to get to the core of someone’s personality and that way is to see them shit-hammered. This is what we came up with.

Batman.

I already wrote about not wanting to hang out with Batman in the original post that started all of this, so I’ll quote from there. “Batman would be interesting, but I think he’d take everything too seriously. I can’t imagine spending an afternoon shopping and grabbing some margaritas on Melrose as the sun is setting with Batman. I’m not quite sure what I’d do with him. He’s not much of a talker.” I mean, look at the pose in that picture. Does that look like someone who’d be fun to hang around with?

Gilligan.

Gilligan is annoying sober, so I can only imagine how that would be compounded when he was drunk. Especially if the Skipper wasn’t around to keep him in his place. He’d probably be a sloppy drunk. He’d either get maudlin or argumentative, and neither is really something I enjoy from my drunk people.

Hermione Granger.

Since the rest of my family is back east, I spend Christmas with my sister. She has made me watch the new Harry Potter movie every year for as long as they’ve been around, so I’ve actually seen the series, all except the last one, which I will no doubt be subjected to this year. I don’t know what we’ll watch after that. Anyway, I don’t think I’d like to go drinking with Hermione. She’s too uptight and she has no experience holding her liquor. If she did get drunk, because she’s so prim otherwise, she’s probably the type to jump in a fountain lassoing her panties over her head whooping like a rabid sports fan. I don’t have the patience for that.

Superman or Lois Lane.

Talk about your boring couple. I’m not even sure Superman could get drunk. Perhaps his super innards would not allow alcohol to enter his bloodstream. If it could, he’d probably be too, well, too Superman to be any fun. And Lois, well, she’s a wild card. I’m not sure what she’d be like drunk, but anyone who’s too silly to see beyond a disguise of eyeglasses just can’t be all that on the ball. She’s kind of annoying sober, so I can only imagine how much worse it would be when drinking.

Jean Grey or Cyclops.

Speaking of boring couples, it’s a tie between the Superman and X-Men universes for people least likely to be any fun. I’d love to hang out with Beast or Wolverine, but Cylcops? How upstandingly boring he must be. “Let’s go drankin’, Cyclops.” “I cannot drink on duty. I must save the universe.” “Fine. I’ll be over here hangin’ out with Wolvie and Beast, sucker. Call me when you’re not a tedious bore.” And as for Jean Grey, I have no idea what Wolverine sees in her.

Emperor Palpatine.

I must say, there’s something to be said for really evil villains. Evil guys are much more alluring than good guys (see Superman above). I find them sort of fascinating, but Palpatine is too focused on defiling the universe to be any fun. He’d probably view me as a rebel and lock me in a trash compactor or something.

Jar Jar Binks.

And while we’re on the subject of the Star Wars universe, there’s really nobody I’d like to hang out with less than this guy. He’s responsible for ruining my childhood. If I could rip out his vocal chords, then maybe I might hang out with him, but then how would he drink?

The Brady Bunch.

With the exception of Alice and maybe Sam the butcher, I don’t want to drink with any of the Bradys. Obviously, most of them are under legal drinking age anyway, but even as adults, I don’t really want to hang out with the Bradys, especially Jan, Marsha or Cindy.

The Disney princesses.

From left to right, Snow White, Pocahantas, Belle, Cinderella, Rapunzel, Tiana, Sleeping Beauty, Jasmin, Ariel, and Mulan.

With the possible exception of the ones I haven’t even seen in action (which is most of them), I don’t want to hang out with any of these girls. They’re Disney princesses, so we probably have nothing at all in common. Although, it might be fun to try to corrupt them with booze, I think it would be more trouble than it was worth.

Dorothy.

If you think about it, Dorothy is actually the villain in the Wizard of Oz. She kills the Wicked Witch and steals her shoes all the while feigning innocence. That just ain’t right. I don’t like fake people.