1. Raw onions. Specifically, I hate how onions are somehow a standard part of any sandwich. I don’t like raw onions. I never have. I can only tolerate onions if they are cooked. Eating a raw onion is like eating a raw clove of garlic; you could do it, but why the hell would you want to? The last thing I want is your damn, foul, odorous weed infecting my food with its toxic fumes. They smell, they taste terrible and I’m not entirely sure that they’re even edible. However, I will take onions over #2…
2. Pickles. For the same reason that I hate onions, I hate pickles; they seem to be standard fare for any sandwich. While I detest the taste of the pickle slightly less than that of the onion, it is far worse to get a pickle on my plate. Onions can be picked off whole without doing much damage to my food, whereas pickles leave their stinking juice behind. They bleed all over my food. Even if you remove a pickle from a sandwich, it’s too late. It’s already infected your food with its vile juice, tainting the flavor of a sandwich forever. I don’t want it. I didn’t ask for it. Get that shit off of my plate.
3. Voting. I do it anyway. Every time an election rolls around, I do the research and fill out my little sample ballot. I go to the little booth and put little black marks in the corresponding circles in a deliberate, ostentatious way. I like to kid myself into believing that my single vote will actually make any difference whatsoever, knowing deep down that it is a completely impotent gesture and I have no power at all. And, as part of my price for participating in this ridiculous procedure, I am automatically eligible for #4…
4. Jury duty. Like voting, it’s part of American democracy and it’s a ridiculous, impotent process. I’ve already written about my last bout with civic duty in the post Operation Pink Hair, so I won’t go into detail, but if these are my peers, I’m going to make damn sure that I never get into serious trouble.
5. Dreams. I am an insomniac so I don’t dream all that often, but when I do, I usually remember them. What the hell is my brain doing? I know it’s just trying to entertain itself while I’m sleeping, but really, why must I remember that my brain had me late to someone’s wedding on a cruise ship because I was decorating a Christmas tree and then had to scale a water slide while I was in an evening gown? Stop that. Brain, if you’re going to make me have stupid adventures where I do stupid things while I’m sleeping, that’s fine, but please, stop making me remember them. If you have a message for me, just tell me straight out and stop with all the symbolism. It’s ridiculous.
6. Parking. I park on the street. There was limited parking in my neighborhood to begin with, but couple that with the new school they’re building one block over and that the main drag has been closed to parking on both sides for over a year for a major public works project, and now there really is nowhere to park at all. Space is at a premium. And yet, my wonderful, thoughtful neighbors take up two and a half spots each. On either side of the street in front of my house, there is room for four cars a side if people park judiciously, but they never do. Every day, I come home to a maximum of six cars total parked there, and sometimes, as few as two cars a side. I don’t know what you are doing, people, but seriously, park normally, for fuck’s sake. Quit being so greedy. Other people have to park here, too.
7. Protests. The First Amendment says that we have the right to lawful assembly. That’s fine, but do you really think you are accomplishing anything by standing outside with a sign? Last week in my neighborhood, there was an irresponsible parent who allowed their child to wander into traffic on a five-lane road, not at a cross walk, while not paying attention because this child was text messaging someone on their stupid phone. The child was then, not surprisingly, hit by a car. Rather than admonishing the parent for not being responsible for their own progeny, these idiots decided to protest for a traffic light there, even though there is already a traffic light less than a block away and a proper pedestrian crossing where they wanted the light. So, while the news crews were out covering the idiotic story, I had to hear raving morons blaring their car horns for hours on end while stupid parents stood on the street yelling with signs that said “Honk for a light.” After the news crews went away, the parents did too, and there is still no traffic light there. You accomplished precisely NOTHING besides annoying me. Good job. And these idiot parents, rather than taking responsibility for allowing their child to wander into traffic, are most likely going to sue the driver, the city or both, which brings me to #8…
8. Ambulance-chasing lawsuits. There are so many ridiculous lawsuits these days that everything has a warning on it and people with real issues with real companies can’t get justice because they end up awash in the ridiculous system that allows idiots to prosper. Because some halfwit got hot coffee from McDonald’s, spilled said hot coffee in her lap and then proceeded to sue the hell out of McDonald’s because it didn’t say on her hot coffee that she shouldn’t spill it in her lap because it might be hot, there are now little warnings that state that hot coffee might be hot. Idiots. Stop with the frivolous lawsuits, people. You are costing us taxpayer money and clogging up the legal system with stupid suits so that people with real issues can’t get justice. We all win nothing besides dumbing-down the population even further with stupid warnings on everything. Stop being so goddamn greedy and selfish.
9. Junk mail. Before I became unemployed, I bought a car. I have excellent credit, which was made even more excellent by the purchase of a car. Since then, I have received pounds of junk mail offers for credit cards. I get about half a dozen a day. Sometimes, I get two from the same company on the same day. I don’t want your credit cards. In case you didn’t know, I’m unemployed now and I have no source of income. If I did fill out your little pre-approved form and apply for your card, you’d laugh at me once you read it, so please, stop sending these offers for crap I don’t want and can’t afford. All of the cards I do have offer these promotions now where you can “save a tree” by going paperless and getting statements online, which is really just a nice way of saying they want to save money on postage. Yet, by far, the most paper I get is from products I don’t even have. I don’t even read them anyway. They go right into the recycling bin.
10. Twenty-four hour news networks. Who thought this was a good idea? In any given day, there are maybe a dozen stories which are actually newsworthy, and yet, there are networks that talk non-stop about nothing. None of the networks are immune. Not even NPR, which I listen to daily, is free from the public interest story. This is not news, but National Public Radio at least doesn’t have “news” in their title. Fox news isn’t news. It is not fair nor balanced like they bill themselves. It’s opinion. It’s biased opinion at that, which is far from fair and balanced. If you’re going to pretend you are a news network, give us news, not opinion, or don’t bill yourself as a news network.