1. The government. If I had my own country that had to provide services for its citizens, I’d like to think that I could do it with a little more speed and fewer hurdles to jump. I think partly the reason why the government is so inefficient is to scare off any slackers. You have to be really committed to wanting government services to actually get them.
2. Movie theaters. The film industry whines and moans and complains about piracy and streaming and what all else. Fine. You have a point. However, when I spend $12.50 just to get in the door to see a matinee and then you charge me $6 for a Coke the size of an espresso, do you really expect me to pay for the whole theater experience on an ongoing basis? Because, let me tell you, it ain’t all that. Only after 20 minutes of commercials for products that have nothing to do with movies and trailers for crappy movies that I don’t want to see does the movie actually start. And somewhere along the line, the average length of a movie went from 1.5 to over 2 hours, which means at some point, I will have to get up to pee and I can’t hit pause. Lame.
3. I hate that I feel a little embarrassed and that I need to explain myself for being American. I’ve met quite a few foreigners in my day and whenever I do, I somehow feel obliged to convince them that we’re not all like that as if I’m suddenly pressed into service as a goodwill ambassador. By the way, we’re not all a stupid stereotype of flag-wavin’, pick-up truck drivin’, ignorant, fat, selfish, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, arrogant bastards.
4. I hate people who are convinced that the music they listen to is better than the music you listen to and feel the need tell you precisely why you are wrong. Ahem, I’ll say this once, so pay attention: Other than the technical processes involved in making it, music is subjective. There is no right music nor wrong music. You like what you like and that’s all there is to it. The same goes for film. Although, I will say that I wish people would think outside the box a little bit more when picking what to listen to or watch.
5. How could I have made it through 44 things that I hate already without mentioning hipsters? Well, this deficiency will be rectified presently: I hate hipsters. Every little subculture, every bar, every restaurant in the cool section of town has their own inexhaustible supply of these raging morons. You know the type. The kind that wear the look some other trendsetting person created, read books by people who are now considered in and only listen to the cool tunes. Get over yourself. You are not original, creative or in any way thought-provoking. Someone else did all your thinking for you. And, what’s worse, these people are starting to breed. They’re creating another generation of people who are supposedly too cool for school.
6. Rhetorical questions. Specifically, I hate how we have different ones. Say, for example, you’re walking down the hallway and run into your boss. You are expecting him to say “How are you?” and instead he asks, “What’s up?” to which you answer, “Fine.” like an idiot. Neither of these questions is designed to elicit a proper reply. He doesn’t really want you to go into detail about how you are or what you are doing. They are merely greetings, and as such, there should be only one standard answer. We should have only one rhetorical question to avoid such social awkwardness.
7. Personal space invaders. There is an unspoken distance we humans keep from each other, unless we are doing something fairly intimate like sticking body parts into each other or playing sports. Usually, those activities involve mutual consent. If I just met you and we are not intimate, you have no such consent. So, when you get within inches of my face, you are, in essence, raping my personal space. Step back, Jack, and let me breathe.
8. Interrupters. I hate people who don’t listen to what you are saying at all, but just wait for you to take a breath so that they can inundate you with their own personal thoughts on the matter. Sometimes, I do this too, but I’m always aware of it and I usually apologize. Most people don’t. Most people will just continue blathering away without even acknowledging that they just stole the talking stick away from you and are now beating you over the head with it.
9. People with annoying laughs. This one is completely unfair since laughter isn’t conscious. If you have an annoying laugh, there’s not much you can do about it. Still, I hate people with annoying laughs. An annoying laugh just makes me not want to say anything funny to you ever. I turn into someone without a sense of humor at all. I apologize if I’ve ever talked to you in person, and all of a sudden, I stopped being funny. I did this because your laugh is horrible. I just thought you should know.
10. Old jokes. I hate when people tell me a joke as if I haven’t heard it before when it’s been around longer than I have. Am I supposed to laugh at something that wasn’t even funny when it was thought up in 1973? Most jokes aren’t even funny anyway. Before you tell a joke, ask if the person has heard it before, please. There’s nothing worse than placating laughter.