“English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

Does he look like a bitch?
Does he look like a bitch?
Pulp Fiction.

Say “idk” again. Say “idk” again, I dare you. I double dare you, motherfucker. Say “idk” one more goddamn time!

For those of you who don’t disavow the beautiful language of English any chance you get and might not know what it means (bless your heart), “idk” is a textspeak abbreviation for “I don’t know”.  This term is only properly used in text messages on a cell phone or in mockery. I have decreed that any other usage is verboten. The following example uses both correct usages:

Text message from Idiot A: u goin to that slammin party 2nite?
Text message from Idiot B: idk, my mommy might not let me cuz I’m a sissy girlieman and I’m failing English.
Text message from Idiot A: bummer, dude. there might be a clown who makes slammin balloon animals.

Ridicule and using it in a phone text message are really the only acceptable instances of the abbreviation “idk”.  I will now elucidate the reasons why.

First, the abbreviation “idk” is presumptuous. When you use that phrase, you are presupposing that whatever retard with whom you are conversing knows what it means. You are trying so very hard to imply that you’re “hip” and “in the know” because you’re using a phrase that didn’t even exist ten years ago.  You are wrong.  People have always used the phrase “I don’t know” as a replacement for actual though. There is nothing fresh or original here other than, by removing most of the letters, you’ve made it even more retarded than it already was.

Second, “idk” implies laziness. The phrase “I don’t know” is three little words made up of only nine letters and one apostrophe. Is it really that much harder to type six more letters and one apostrophe when you have a full keyboard in front of you? If it is, you shouldn’t be typing in the first place. The only time six letters and an apostrophe might be a hardship is on a cell phone, which is why saying it in a text message is the only non-sarcastic usage  allowed from this day forward, so sayeth me.

Third, “I don’t know” is not a disjunct or a sentence adverb. It is not an adverbial phrase. It is an answer to a question, as in:

Question: What is the square root of 50 divided by Pi?
Answer: I don’t know.

“I don’t know” is a complete sentence unto itself. It requires nothing further except a period or a description of what it is that you don’t know: “I don’t know the square root of 50 divided by Pi.” It should not have a comma following it unless you are addressing someone specific: “I don’t know, Edna! Stop the incessant chatter, woman, and go fetch me a beer.”

By starting off your statement with “I don’t know” and a comma, you are implying that the rest of your sentence contains faulty reasoning or no reasoning at all. You are saying that you don’t know what you’re saying and your sentence is not to be trusted. For example, “idk, I always thought that the science teacher, Mr. Fletcher, haz the geighs.” It adds absolutely nothing to your sentence besides uncertainty. “In my opinion” or “Some might say” or nothing at all would be a better option.

Finally, five-year-olds say “I don’t know”. It shows the extent of their reasoning. The difference is that five-year-olds might grow into logic someday. It is their default answer because they really don’t know.

Question: Johnny, why did you set our house on fire?
Answer: I don’t know.

If you really want to be judged on the equivalent mental level of a five-year-old, then, by all means, go ahead and answer all questions with “idk”. If not, perhaps I might suggest thinking before speaking. Give a question some thought before you answer, and for fuck’s sake, don’t start a sentence with “I don’t know” as a launchpad for an opinion. Don’t even get me started on humanoids who actually utter the abbreviation “idk” aloud…