I love Halloween. I don’t really dress up in costumes anymore (officially too old for shenanigans, plus, lazy and poor), but I still love seeing all the little ghouls and goblins roaming around.
This year, I’ll be lucky if I can afford a king size bag of candy to give away. So, in the spirit of
Christmas Halloween, I thought I’d put together a wish list of things y’all, the internet, could contribute to my scare the crap out of children Halloween plan.
Hells yes! For only $599, you can buy me a nearly 6 ft. tall headless horseman. Whenever someone approaches, his…
“motion sensor activates the pumpkin’s glowing eyes and the sound of the thundering hooves and frightful neighing of his steed. Requires three AA batteries (not included).”
Really? For $600, they couldn’t throw in a couple of batteries? Tightwads. I’ll also need a smoke machine to make that fog in the picture. And, of course, his steed (not included). He’s not only a headless horseman, but a horseless horseman.
Dude! How rad is that? I’d keep it up year round.
“At almost two stories tall, he’s so lofty that trick-or-treaters can easily romp beneath his body, arched above 9’4″ tall legs. His head turns from side to side and interior lights illuminate his Cheshire grin. Kit includes fan, ten plastic stakes, seven tethers, and one extra bulb. Simply plugs into any outlet.”
At only $299, it’s a bargain at twice the price! Oh, this one includes a light bulb!
I’ve never played Halo 3, but this costume looks pretty badass. I bet it would be excellent armor against any sort of Halloween shenanigans perpetrated against you. It ought to protect you since it’s on sale for a low price of $799. No, that price isn’t missing a decimal place.
“Quilted jumpsuit with EVA armor, two-piece deluxe helmet, gauntlets and boot tops. This is an officially licensed Halo 3 costume.”
Pffft. 800 bucks and it doesn’t even come with a gun. Lame.
This one is a must for any Fish. For only $1,346.18 + $130.00 shipping, you too can be a fish!
“This full-body fish costume is made of sturdy but soft materials, so it’s durable and attractive for hours of great wear. Our Fish Mascot suit is bold and cuddly, featuring a plush body, shoe-covers, and a roomy head. Mascot head is made of latex and foam for light-weight durability and handpainted for unmatched detail. Comes with a screened vision panel, extra ventilation panels, and a built-in fan to keep your mascot cool.”
Unfortunately, it says “usually ships within 3 to 5 weeks” so no fish for Halloween this year. Sadface.
5. Grand Dragon
I WANT MY OWN DRAGON!
“And you thought dragons were imaginary.”
No, I didn’t! I never thought that.
“Well behold — we landed a jaw-dropping creature that will roam happily in your castle. He’s super plush and kid-friendly (no fire-breathing here), with realistic markings, wings and the most amazing attention-to-detail. Approximately 48″ x 36″ x 46″. Handsewn and sculpted of plush polyester.”
Realistic markings are super important in a dragon, but I am highly disappointed that he doesn’t breathe fire. This non-fire breathing dragon will set you back $998.00. He also comes in a red version. Oh, and they have a T-rex, too. It doesn’t specify, but I assume the child is sold separately.
Now, this is more my speed. I would look awesome in that.
“The Deluxe Viking Queen costume includes a tie back top with faux fur shoulders, lace-up corset with zipper side and built-in boning, matching mini skirt with jagged hem and lace-up front detail, lace-up, faux fur legwarmers and gloves and matching Viking hat with horns, faux fur trim and studded detail. Sword not included.”
Sword not included! You’d think for $258.95, they could throw in a damn sword. Cheap bastards.
“The officially licensed Boris Karloff Frankenstein life-sized animated prop stands six and a half feet tall; the motion activated monster is posable and emits a range of sounds. Dressed in a green suit jacket, black shirt and pants with the character greenish complexion, he is ready for his close-up. Uses ordinary household current.”
I don’t see a downside here other than the $299.99 price tag. But what’s $299.99 (plus tax and shipping) compared to FRANKENSTEIN? You could use him as home security off-season.
I’M BATMAN! Or I could be if you bought this costume for me.
“The ultimate Batman™ costume! You’ll receive a 2-piece jumpsuit, a cowl, a coordinating belt, a cape, a chest piece, upper arm pieces, a pair of gloves with attached gauntlets, upper leg pieces and boot covers. This full latex costume has intricately sculpted muscle for the perfect heroic look.”
People really collect Batman costumes? It says one size fits most adults. If I were to spend $799.99 on a costume, it damn well better fit.
This one looks a little too realistic, but what would Halloween be without zombies? In the off-season, I would store her in the basement and scare the crap out of any unsuspecting hot water heater repairmen. It would be awesome.
“Sculpted with the finest detail we have dedicated 2 years to make the finest Zombie Kids on the market. Our Moldy Molly Poseable Halloween Props are Life Sized Zombie Girls and are fully poseable.”
Two years to make a zombie? That seems excessive. I could make one in about ten minutes. Also, it’s good to know that poseable Halloween props are poseable. Moldy Molly will set you back $399.99.
I’d like to know what’s so complete about him. Do they also sell an incomplete costume?
“The Black Bear Costume is a full jumpsuit made out of faux fur that zips up the back. The bear’s head is stuffed with foam (because the last thing you need is a floppy bear head to top your costume off) and includes hidden hand openings in the palms and separate claws cover the feet.”
I want to be a bear. Really, being a bear sounds pretty nifty. This bear is marked down from $700 to only $574.95 because the last thing I need is a floppy bear head! I need it! He also comes in brown.
And, what would Halloween be without dressing up my dog, too? For only $95, you can dress my dog up in…
“All ready for the Highland Games and Flings, this spiffy little kilt and hat are just right for your little “Braveheart” Laddie or Lassie. It is made of a quality woven plaid in green, blue and gold. A gold colored Kilt Pin secures the gold fringed “scarf”. A D-ring is securely sewn in to allow convenient leash attachment.”
I would dress her in that year-round because I’m mean and a terrible pet owner. I’ll need a large.
There’s my Halloween wish list. If you’d like to buy any of these things to make my Halloween extra special this year, that’d be swell.
Actually, on second thought, I’d prefer the cash. Although, that giant inflatable cat would be awesome.