10 Things You Should Pay Me To Do

Orange pig made of orange slices is very literal

My job sucks. Well, to clarify, I like the work part of work; I just don’t like everything else about my job. Before my company and I were sold a year and a half ago, I had my own office and a staff. It was a staff of one, but still a staff. Now, I sit in a cubicle surrounded by loud salespeople and I have three managers. When I called in earlier this week, I had to let all of them know, because goats forbid they be arsed to tell each other.

I used to come and go as I pleased, but I never abused my autonomy. Now, I have to clock in and out even when I leave for lunch, but before I can leave the building, I have to show the contents of my bag to a camera in the ceiling, because I might steal something.

I feel like a number, which is really all I am to the company owners. How much profit are you responsible for? I’m responsible for $50-100,000 gross profit per month, but you wouldn’t know it to look at my paycheck.

I used to get a yearly bonus. Now, I get nothing but a salary. The loud salespeople who surround me get commission when customers call in to order products from the sales material I put together, but I don’t get anything. The salespeople aren’t responsible for customers calling in; I am. All they had to do was answer the phone. Hearing the commissions add up around me while I sit there salaried makes me somewhat bitter towards them.

I’m not saying I should get as much as they do since they make calls, too, but even if I got five cents every time a customer called in to order from my work, it would go a long way towards making me less resentful about the whole thing. Every time a phone rings, I hate my job a little more and I sit right in the middle of it. It’s the first circle of hell.

I walk through the halls like a ghost. I say good morning and the usual greetings, but not many of my coworkers know a thing about me. If I were to go on a shooting rampage and they interviewed my colleagues, they’d probably say I didn’t talk much. They’d say I mostly spent break times with my head buried in my phone. They’d say that my desk was completely devoid of personality. No pictures, no decorations, not much to give any indication that an actual person worked there for a year and a half.

To be fair, there’s not enough decoration in the world to counteract all the beige. Everything in my office is various shades of beige. The only exception is the absolutely terrible corporate art that someone probably bought at Costco.

Work is loud, uninspiring, boring, tiresome and depressing. I need a new job. This morning, I was thinking of things I’d like to do instead. Here are some things I could do for a living that would be better than working at soulless corporate hell. If you know of any job openings in these fields, let me know.

Annoying animals.

I have one dog and one cat, and one of my favorite things to do is annoy them. What is the point of having a pet if you can’t? The cat doesn’t make it much fun since he’s generally very laid back, but the dog is hella fun to annoy. If she’s sleeping, I’ll often give her a hug. She usually responds with grumbles and even a growl.

If you ever need to annoy an animal, but you don’t want to do it yourself, I’m your fish.

Surfing the internet.

I am an expert internet surfer. I do it all the time as part of my job. I know exactly what words to type in to get results and I can generally find anything I’m looking for within one or two tries, even if it’s unicorns on stilts:

I love the fact that "Unicorns on stilts" actually produces results. (www.flickr.com)
I love the fact that “Unicorns on stilts” actually produces results.

If you want someone to curate the internet for you and find only the interesting stuff, I have years of experience.

Space exploration.

Not that I’ve ever done it, but if enthusiasm is at all a part of space exploration, I’d be very good at it.

When I was a kid, our teacher asked us to draw a picture of what we wanted to be when we grew up. I drew a picture of an astronaut, only I spelled it “astronat.” Spelling wasn’t my strong suit then.

I was entirely serious. I wanted to be an astronaut and still do. I even checked into how you do that when I was a teen. I was crushed when I found out you need perfect vision, which I don’t have, and you typically need flight experience first, e.g., the Air Force. I’m very annoyed that, nowadays, only the super rich can go into space.

If you’re looking for an inexperienced crew for short or long-term space exploration, I’d be happy to learn, provided I could also take my dog. I’d take the cat, too, but he probably wouldn’t like it much.

Being super rich.

Speaking of the super rich, I’d be a very good super rich person. I wouldn’t be greedy or lord it over those who are less fortunate. I wouldn’t become Republican or meddle in local and national politics like the Koch brothers (pronounced: cock brothers). In fact, I’d donate a lot of money to charity. Hell, I do that now and I’m not even super rich, if that’s any indication.

I’d be an excellent rich person, just in case you’re looking for someone to donate lots of money to and you don’t have any heirs.

Thrift store shopping.

I am a fan of thrift stores. I only visit department stores when I need something specific and I’m short on time. Why walk into a store with racks of the same thing, when you can find unique, one of a kind items at thrift stores?

Orange pig made of orange slices is very literal
Like this orange pig made of orange slices or a green glitter owl.

You won’t find that pig in a department store. Plus, items are much, much cheaper at thrift stores. The only downside to thrift store shopping is looking for something specific. If you’re looking for a raincoat, you probably won’t find it, but you’ll find an awesome lamp you didn’t even know you needed instead. Typically, you need to keep an open mind and not try to find that one specific item.

If you’re looking for someone to show you the ins and outs of thrift store shopping, or even find things for you, I’d be the person to ask.


I am literate and I enjoy reading. I read books for pleasure. I know that’s a strange concept in this day and age, but I like reading books for fun. I’ve read books on my iPad before and I don’t mind it overmuch, but I prefer the old-fashioned bound book.

With ebooks, I end up spending nearly as much time looking up various things in wikipedia as I do reading the actual book. Proper books offer fewer distractions since they don’t let me know that someone commented on my blog like my iPad does.

If you’re looking to pay someone to read books, particularly if they’re books I like to read (classics, foreign, old, old foreign, old foreign classics), look no further.


In addition to reading, I can also write. I know! I am a Renaissance woman and jack of all trades. I can write pretty much anything, except poetry–I’m not so good with poetry–and technical documentation, depending on the kind you need, e.g., if you need a manual on brain surgery, it’s probably best to ask a brain surgeon.

I can write serious or funny. I can write fiction or non-fiction, memoir, short stories, flash fiction, advertising copy, reviews, tweets, etc. Pretty much any kind of writing you’d like to pay me for, I can do it.

Drawing critters.

Technically, I already get paid to draw critters whenever someone buys anything from my Redbubble shop, but it’s hardly a full-time gig at this point. In the two and a half years since I’ve had a shop, I’ve still not made enough to cover even one month’s rent.

Today, I draw animals like this one when I’m bored:

DolphinrectBut, if I had the time and was being paid a proper salary, I could easily draw an animal or two a day.

Being retired.

You’re probably thinking that this one sounds similar to being super rich, but it isn’t necessarily the same thing. While I would obviously prefer to be a super rich retired person, I could easily be a lower to middle-class retired person as well.

If I could, I would happily not work for exactly what I make now. Think how much more time I would have to learn space exploration, read, write and annoy animals.

My job at a better company.

In lieu of being retired, I’d also take being a graphic designer at a different company. Preferably one that respects and values my twenty years of experience and pays me a livable wage. I’d like a job where I actually want to decorate my office instead of a desire to run out the door with a big FUCK YOU at the earliest opportunity. Perhaps also with more holidays off.

What would you do if you didn’t have to make money?