10 Things I Think But Would Never Say Out Loud

I love Samara. She’s ferocious bitchtits on wheels. Because I love her and it’s Friday afternoon, I’m stealing her post idea. My list only goes to 10 though because that’s enough hate and swearing for one afternoon.

  1. Your baby looks like something Winston Churchill shat out. Maybe once it grows some hair and it can walk, it might be cute, but right now, it’s ugly as Churchill poop and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna say that wrinkly fleshblob is cute… Shit, I’m going to have to say it’s cute. I need to get better at lying.
  2. Please, don’t speak to me. Just don’t. I’m throwing out my best “I’ll shank you, bitch” vibe. Dammit, why do people insist on talking to me? Go away!
  3. If you dug up my grandmother, blindfolded her and put her stinky ass behind the wheel, she’d do a better job of driving than you, you slowass wankmonkey. Get the fuck out of my way before I stab your asshole car with my asshole car, asshole.
  4. Your dog/child is damn annoying. It’s not cute. It’s loud and irritating. Make it go away. “Forever” would be great, but I’d settle just for “now.”
  5. What the fuck are you wearing? You do realize this is a place of business, right? It’s an office, not a street corner, supertramp. You’re not going to get any johns in here. Take it out to the boulevard, Jezebel.
  6. Why even wear high heels if you can’t walk in them? I can’t walk on stilts, so you know what? I DON’T. You are an embarrassment to womankind. Go home and practice.
  7. Why in the name of fucking goats did you get in line at the store without checking to see if you had enough money to pay for your crap? Handle your shit.
  8. You are mistaken, lady, in thinking I give even one tiny fuck about your baby. Just because you allegedly have a child in that stroller, that doesn’t mean you have the right to cross the street any old place you feel like it. Stop using your child as a human shield. I will ram the shit out of that stroller if you don’t waddle your way out of the street tout suite. Hurry up!
  9. Jesus H, do you not own a mirror or do you just not give a fuck? I really don’t want to see your butt cheeks. They look like a sack of cottage cheese. I wouldn’t have to view your cottage cheese ass if you just wore some fucking clothes. 
  10. What the fucking fuck are you even fucking doing, fuckwit? Figure it out!
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