I’m generally not fond of people. They talk a lot and they’re constantly in my way. If it weren’t for people, my commute would be cake. This is a list of things that people do that bother me. I’d appreciate it if you, people, could refrain from doing these things. Thank you in advance.
1. I hate when there’s a line (or queue, for the subjects of the queen out there) and the person next in line isn’t ready. You have stood in line just like the rest of us. Instead of using that time to pull out your cash or card or glass beads, you’ve decided to metaphorically jam your own thumb up your arse. When it’s your turn to pay, you have to unsheath your pollex from your rectum, and then, and only then, you decide how you’re going to pay for your purchase. C’mon, dude. It’s not hard. When you go to purchase something, the whole transaction depends upon you purchasing something. That’s the point of the line. Figure it out before you get there.
2. Deciding to do something, anything, at the last possible second. This applies to everything from filing taxes and Christmas shopping to driving and waddling your fat ass around on foot. In the US, the tax deadline and Christmas fall on the same date every year, April 15th and December 25th respectively. Yet, every year, there is a passel of numbnuts who wait until the 14th and 24th respectively to do anything about it. Why?
Also, when you’re going somewhere in a car, on foot or on a bicycle, don’t you have at least a vague idea of where you’re going when you leave the house? I’m sure there are times when you just decide to go for a drive, walk or ride, but those meanderings are infrequent to the whole. So, why is it that, every day, I nearly hit someone in my car who decided to cross three lanes of traffic and drive on the shoulder in order to exit right there?
3. Lookie-loos. Ugh. I hate lookie-loos. Any time there’s something out of the norm, these people have to stop whatever they’re doing to get a good long look at whatever it is. They hear a siren, they come outside in their bathrobes and watch. I am late for work several times a week because someone smashed into someone else on the freeway. That’s not the problem (although, it really is). The real problem, the reason I am late, is that every single asswit who passes has to slow down to a crawl to view mangled car bits and bobs. I find it grotesque. I know I’m in the very small minority here, but I don’t stare at car accidents. I don’t want to see that. I would rather go about my day in the expected manner than see vehicular carnage. I’ve had too much of my own vehicular carnage to be enchanted with it.
4. Not moving for emergency services. This one makes me wish that a police car with a fresh stack of tickets to hand out would follow ambulances and fire trucks around. In some parts of the country, e.g. where I grew up, people get the hell out of the way when they hear and see a flashing siren. Not in Los Angeles. These self-important Angelinos think they’re too good to move out of the way for emergency vehicles. What if that was your house on fire? What if that ambulance was on its way to collect a loved one? What if the police were responding to an emergency at your house? Sometimes mere seconds can mean the difference between life and death. PULL THE FUCK OVER. Or worse, these people who lackadaisically move about three inches to the side and then have to jump the gun on you to get one car length ahead. Screw you, buddy. I hope your house catches on fire and nobody gets out of the way.
5. Talking way too loudly. I’m hard of hearing. I sometimes talk too loudly for my surroundings because I have a hard time judging the volume of my voice, but I have an excuse. I find it hard to believe that everyone out there is hard of hearing. When I, the hearing impaired, can’t hear the person in front of me, but I can hear every word you’re saying from across the room, you need to quiet down. Nobody wants to hear it, except maybe the person you’re talking to and that’s doubtful. Across the alley from me, there is a house full of college kids. They have a pool. Several times a week, they get baked on the worst smelling stinkweed it has ever been my displeasure to have waft in my direction and splash in their pool. What they don’t seem to realize is that water carries sound. I CAN HEAR YOU. And for the love of fuck, medical marijuana is legal here. There is absolutely no reason to smoke substandard weed unless you are just stupid.
And don’t even get me started on people talking on cell phones…
6. I hate when people interrupt. You’ll be in the middle of a sentence and someone will completely derail your train of thought with something else. When they’re done with their forced invasion of the conversation, they might say, “I’m sorry, what were you saying?” By that point, my brain has completely forgotten what I was talking about, because apparently, it wasn’t important enough for you to listen to the first time. Unless you’re interrupting to let me know my hair is on fire, it’s just rude. Wait your turn.
7. Not having one standard greeting. I’ve mentioned this one before. We all do this. We run into a coworker in the hallway and they say, “Good morning. How are you?” The greeting is to be returned with “Fine. And you?” This worked for centuries. Then, all of a sudden, some smartass decided we needed more options. Now, your coworker might say, “Good morning. What’s up?” and you, without thinking, still say, “Fine. And you?” Derp.
Neither of those questions is intended to really be answered. It’s not like your coworker really wants to know how you are. It’s just a polite greeting when you see someone you know. As such, there should be one answer. I like how the Hawaiians have one word for both hello and goodbye. Aloha is succinct and there is no confusion. We should do that.
8. Not paying any attention to what’s around you. This one might be unfair of me since I am hypersensitive to my surroundings. I always know what’s around me. It seems most people do not at all. It’s like they wandered outside their front door this morning and have forgotten what a sky and a tree are. They just stand there, doing whatever it is they’re doing, and being in my way. They pull into traffic without looking. They walk right into you. They get startled because they didn’t see you walking down the sidewalk the other way. Pay attention.
9. Being in the way. It’s inevitable that you will be in the way. You can’t have 7 billion people clucking about on the same pile of dirt without being in someone’s way. It happens, but there is a proper way to deal with it. Someone is in your way, you say, “excuse me,” and they’ll say “Oh, pardon me” and move. Unfortunately, it seems to me that most of the times I say, “excuse me,” they still don’t notice me. Am I invisible? Am I dead and I’ve become a ghost since last I went into public? No, you’re just a dolt living in your own world, oblivious to everything but your own needs. Go live in your own world at home. When you’re in public, you’re in my world. MOVE, PLEASE.
10. Talking to me as if we’ve been friends forever. I’m not a talkative chap. In most circumstances, I’m not unfriendly, but when standing in line, I would rather do just that. I don’t want to have a conversation with the stranger on either side. I want the person in front of me to move so I can pay and move. Standing in line is not the time to strike up a conversation with a total stranger. If you snark to me about how the person in front of us is having a difficult time removing his thumb from his anus like he should have done before it was his turn, that’s fine. We have shared misery. I might smirk and I might even add my own snark, but I don’t want to be friends. I have plenty of friends already that I never see. I don’t need more. And do not even think of hitting on me because it will not end well for you.