I was talking to Male last night and he said, “I need to start making a list…” I interrupted with, “A list of things you’re going to buy me for Christmas? That’s so sweet.” He said, “No, I already made that list. Things to buy you for Christmas – Item one – No things. Check,” and he made a little check mark sign in the air. Sadface.

I already wrote a letter to Santa where I asked, rather selflessly I might add, for naught. And I mean it. I want nothing from Santa other than for him to continue doing what he already does, but I would maybe like some stuff from the rest of you, if y’all are so inclined, or from The Christmas Unicorn.

Here’s a list of things I’d really like for Christmas:

• I would like my car to stop breaking down every quarter.

• I would like a job that pays me a livable wage and maybe, just maybe, health insurance. gasp.

• I would like a home of my own with a little yard for my dog so that maybe I could adopt another one.

• I would like a pet dragon.

• I would like more tattoos.

• I would like to be able to afford an education.

• I would like for all children to be children for as long as they can.

• I would like a bajillion dollars. A big chunk of which I’d donate to worthy causes.

• I would like all pedophiles to spontaneously combust.

• I would like more time to write.

• I would like more time to volunteer.

• I would like my dog to stop jumping on people so that I could register her as a therapy dog. She just gets too excited.

• I would like all domestic abusers to have to live a year in the mind of their victims so that they have to finally feel everything they do. Or, if that’s too much, I’d like them to be reincarnated as sentient toilets.

• I would like to travel more (and by more, I mean at all).

• I would like the justice system to actually dole out justice.

• I would like just a little bit more fairness in the world.

• I would like to afford flying my dog to visit my parents.

• I would like less poverty.

• I would like more hope, smiles and freedom.

• I would like less war and less killing.

• I would like more peace on earth and goodwill toward men.

• I would like to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

If you’d like to get any of these things for me, I’d be much obliged. Thanks and Blerry Mistfuss!