Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (soooo not even) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
spacebattles general?

Yes! I would very much like that title. Thank you for your faith in me. I will do my best to lead Earth troops to spacebattle victory!

Dear Goldfish,
circle graph showing the different types of child labour?

Um. I’m not sure what to do with this one since, in perfect world, children shouldn’t be doing labor. Here’s my perfect world circle graph:

Dear Goldfish,
mr potato fucked?

C’mon, now. Mr. Potato Head is an upstanding fellow. My mom bought me one when I had the chicken pox. Nobody wants to see Mr. Potato fucked. Way to ruin my childhood, jerk.

Dear Goldfish,
begging the question fallacy?

Yes. Begging the question is a logical fallacy, which I already described here. Just the other day on the NPR, one of their reporters said “which begs the question” when they really meant “which raises the question.” Fortunately, I was already stopped at the time or the inevitable aneurism I had hearing this phrase used incorrectly again on national media would have caused me to ram into something. For the love of fuck, people, begging the question is not synonymous with raising the question. Please, stop that.

Dear Goldfish,
german shepherd underwater?

Typically, shepherds aren’t found underwater. They are not fish. They are dogs. Dogs live on land. However, maybe Underwater Dogs has a German Shepherd in there somewhere.

Dear Goldfish,
mega creepy clowns?

That’s a little redundant. All clowns are mega creepy. Although, the mega creepiest clown of all is a clown without pants. Shudder.

Dear Goldfish,
sushi filling mages?

What? Mages are like old school wizards. The word is from Middle English and it’s an anglicized form of the Latin magus meaning the “wise men.” Middle English and sushi couldn’t really have less to do with each other. Also, I don’t think sushi is filled with anything except deliciousness, but maybe that’s where the mages come in.

Dear Goldfish,
coolest heart drawing ever?

Um. OK…

Dear Goldfish,
can white goldfish change colors?

Not to my knowledge. Although, I do burn in the sun, which kind of turns me into a bright shade of pinkish red, but that’s only temporary.

Dear Goldfish,
picture of a dog in a stroller?

No. I’m not doing that. Dogs belong on the ground, not in strollers.

Dear Goldfish,
using the abbreviation for pye with texting?

What is a pye and what would be the abbreviation of it? It’s only three letters; I don’t think it needs to be abbreviated.

Dear Goldfish,
how do we measure time?

Dear Goldfish,
gerçek pumalar?

Ooh, Turkish. It means “real puma.” Here’s a mountain lion:

Dear Goldfish,
jesus the friendly clown?

The mega creepiest clown of all.

Dear Goldfish,
snobbery in fish?

I don’t think I’m a snob. Alright, maybe I am a little snobby about certain things, but that doesn’t mean all fish are snobby. Way to generalize, jerk.

Dear Goldfish,
lets have it off then shall we?

Maybe later. I’m kind of busy now.

Dear Goldfish,
no one has written this sentence before?

That’s most likely demonstrably untrue.

Dear Goldfish,
it’s kinda funny she has a roll of toilet paper on the holder as a proper sentence?

If you say so.

Dear Goldfish,
geshudneit?

Thank you.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.