That would be an awesome band name. Anyone with more musical talent than me, which is practically everyone, feel free to steal it and use it for yourself. Maybe Pussy Riot could use it.

Anyway, moving on to the subject at hand, politics in the United States. What a ridiculously long and preposterous election sequence this was. Good job, ‘Murrica, for not being completely idiotic. Don’t get too excited though. You’re still halfway idiotic, but you did manage to elect a lot of good people, like Elizabeth Warren who retook Teddy Kennedy’s seat. More women ran as candidates than ever in history. You elected more women than ever before including the first disabled woman, the first Asian-American woman, the first Hindu woman and the first openly gay woman to ever be elected to the United States Congress. New Hampshire became the first state to have all-female congressional delegates with its election of two women to the U.S. House and they elected a female governor yesterday to boot. All told, 20 or more women were added to Congress yesterday. Here in Los Angeles, we elected the first black and female District Attorney. Not too shabby when you consider this table:

I guess all that talk about legitimate rape, and rape and even incest babies being god’s plan for procreation didn’t really help you, Republicans. You see, women, except for the exceptionally silly ones, get kind of fussy when people discuss what should be done with our vaginas. Whether we agree with abortion or not, we don’t like politicians telling us that we are morally wrong if we decide not to carry a pregnancy resulting from rape or incest, and that our vaginas have a mechanism for shutting down rapist. Even the least savvy examples of my gender probably know that there isn’t a vagina shut off valve hidden somewhere in case of illegitimate rape, whatever the hell that is.

So, Republicans, you alienated women. No big deal, right? We’re only fully half of the population. You don’t need fifty percent of voters, right? You still have all those rich white males to vote for you. They’re still a majority, right? Well, not so much. As it turns out, you are the minority. You, who secretly said that 47% of this country doesn’t pay taxes so you don’t care about us; you, who think you have a god-given right to legislate my reproductive rights; you, who think that brown people will vote for you on social issues when you are doing everything you can do to throw them out of your rich, white country. Well, guess what, brown people don’t like you any more than I do. They’re on to your bald-faced or two-faced lies. They see that you don’t really want them here and will do nothing to protect them. You shoved your disdain for immigrants down their throats with your ridiculous and unconstitutional attempts to require identification to vote.

Even Citizens United, the worst thing to happen to American politics since the two-party system was adopted, couldn’t save your chapped hides this time. I’m thrilled to say that all those anonymous millions you spent on advertising lies didn’t change a thing. Throwing your money around will only get you so far if you don’t have a foundation to stand on.

I guess it’s about time that you took a hard look at your old, flabby, white ass in the mirror, Republicans. You’re certainly not as buff as you once were. You have alienated women, minorities and anyone with half a brain in their head. Most of the people who are following you these days are unthinking ideologues and rich old white people. The thing is, those rich old white people who make up your base are shrinking in numbers. They are only going to get older and die off like some antiquated, arcane technology from olden days. Your policies designed to benefit the rich old white people, or as you falsely called them “the job creators,” were mostly cast out in the election yesterday. Today, I’m happy to say that the electorate realizes just how irrelevant you are. You rich old white people will continue to shrink in numbers, and perhaps, just maybe, those unthinking ideologues might start thinking.

Now, go quietly lick your wounds and shut up about it, please. Better luck next time. May the best candidates win.