Dear Goldfish Part 19

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (not even close to) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
support gay rights?

Yes, very much so. In fact, we should support everyone’s rights.


Dear Goldfish,
fairness in the universe?

No, there is none. For more detail, read my treatise, The Fairness Sham.

Dear Goldfish,
fish you will be assumed to be a spammer?

Why is that? I’ve never spammed anyone, except for that one time some asshat hacked into my email account, but that wasn’t me, so I don’t think it counts.

Dear Goldfish,
favourite kenzaburo oe book?

Well, I’ve only read one Kenzaburō Ōe book–Teach Us To Outgrow Our Madness–and I wouldn’t exactly call it a favorite. I am not going to base my opinion of an author from one book, though, so we’ll be moving on.

Dear Goldfish,
quotes from cats looking at a gold fish bowl?

Really? Do cats talk? If they do, would they say anything noteworthy enough to quote? I would imagine a quote from a cat looking at a goldfish bowl would be something on the order of, “You’re lucky you’re surrounded by water and I hate getting my paws wet, fish. But someday… oh, yes, someday… muahahahaha.”

Dear Goldfish,
would you rather go bungee jumping?

Would I rather go bungee jumping than what exactly? You can’t just throw a “would you rather” out there without following it up with an “or.” For example, would you rather go bungee jumping or eat a nice steak? I’d like the steak, please. Thanks.

Dear Goldfish,
who approved of the 4 amendment?

Ooh, a civics question. Well, the Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution says the following:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Basically, it means the government can’t just come marching into your house willy-nilly. They need a search warrant first. A search warrant can only be obtained from a judge when there is probable cause for one.

Who approved the amendment? Well, it was approved in the normal way. Congress voted for the amendment, sent it to the state legislatures for ratification and then the majority adopted the amendment. It’s a pretty good amendment of you ask me.

Dear Goldfish,
they might be vaginas?

That’s true. They might, but they might not be vaginas, too. It’s best to keep an open mind.

Dear Goldfish,
best posters for pin boards?

Argh. I knew if I posted something about Pinterest, that I’d get searches on it. Can’t be helped, I guess. Moving on.

Dear Goldfish,
pomp and pride meaning?

Well, pomp means an impressive display or ceremony. It’s usually associated with royalty. Harold’s motorcade had pomp befitting a king. Pomp can also mean boastfulness. The people thought that Harold’s motorcade was an ostentatious display of unnecessary pomp. Isn’t it interesting that most things associated with royalty also have negative connotations?

Pride also has a negative meaning. It can mean conceit or excessive satisfaction with oneself and one’s accomplishments. Harold’s pride in his pompous motorcade was ridiculous. Generally though, pride is a good thing. It means you believe in your own worth and are satisfied with your accomplishments. Harold took pride in the wax job he had done on his motorcade car.

So, there you have it. It can be either good or bad, depending on context. Isn’t English fascinating?

Dear Goldfish,
the new colossus?

Wow. Ya’ll are just full of real questions today. Excellent. The New Colossus is the poem written by Emma Lazarus posted at the base of the Statue of Liberty:

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

I’m not all that fond of poems, but I think it’s a fine one. I’m quite fond of the sentiment and wish we had more of that today. Note the use of the word “pomp.”

Dear Goldfish,
akira kurosawa natsuo kirino?

Hm. I’m not sure what those two have in common besides being Japanese. Akira Kurosawa was one of the finest film directors of all time. Seven Samurai is one of my top 5 favorite movies. Yojimbo, Sanjuro, Rashomom, Ikiru and The Lower Depths are all in my top 100 favorite films somewhere. Natuo Kirino is a modern Japanese author of mystery stories. I’ve read two of her books. They’re not bad.

Dear Goldfish,
honey badger dont care?

Nope. Not at all.

Dear Goldfish,
baby on board really i was going to ram into the back of your car but now i wont?

That’s pretty much how I feel whenever I see one of those ridiculous placards. As if I give a crap what you have on board. Get the hell out of my way and we’ll be cool.

Dear Goldfish,
aforementioned in a sentence?

Aforementioned simply means something that was mentioned before. To use it in a sentence, The aforementioned Honey Badger don’t care.

Dear Goldfish,
left handed scissor jokes?

There’s nothing particularly funny about left-handed scissors. If you are left-handed, they’re pretty necessary. Most scissors are right-handed scissors, or as most people call them, scissors, like so:

For a lefty to use those scissors, we have to flip them upside-down so that only our index finger fits in the thumb slot and our thumb has a ridiculous amount of room in the big slot for fingers. If you’re doing a lot of cutting, it’s very uncomfortable. This is why I prefer non-discriminatory scissors like these:

Note that both slots are the same size so they can be used equally well by either a right or left-handed person. If only most things were designed this way…

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.