Dear Goldfish Part 18

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (allegedly) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
draw german shepherd puppy?

Why? Oh, alright fine.


It’s not very German Shepherd at all really. It could be any kind of dog, or even a fox almost, but that’s what you get for five minutes of unpaid work.

Dear Goldfish,
milky way galaxy hd free download?

Well, seeing as the galaxy is pretty big, I’m not sure you could download it. Especially since you, dear reader, are in it. Athough, if you’re just looking for an image of it, there are plenty available online. In fact I have a picture of the galaxy as my screensaver on my main monitor and the Andromeda galaxy on my second monitor. Yes, I am so professional that I need two monitors. One monitor is not enough to hold all my profession.

Dear Goldfish,
i see evil faces in all pics?

I’m sorry to hear that. Do you see evil faces in this?

Nothing to see here but cute baby animals. Move along.

Dear Goldfish,
our observable universal location?

The word “observable” implies that there might be more to the universe than we can see. Meaning that we are right in the middle of the observable universe. Now, where are we in relation to the universe as a whole? We have no idea yet.

Dear Goldfish,
where is the middle of america and australia?

In the center. Lebanon, Kansas is dead center of the US. I’m not sure what, if anything, is in the middle of Australia.

Dear Goldfish,
my mother is a psychopath?

I’m sorry to hear that. If you are in danger, seek help. But most of our mothers are psychopaths from time to time.

Dear Goldfish,
mammals including funny pictures of them as well?

See animated gif re: evil faces above.

Dear Goldfish,
but when i do, i am proud to eat a cookie that supports gay rights.?

OK, people, cookies really can’t be gay. They’re cookies. By definition, they’re kind of asexual since they’re not sentient. But yes, eat Oreos if you must.

Dear Goldfish,
seven continents, five oceans?

Correct! Gold star for you.

Can you name what they are?

Continents: Antarctica, Asia, Africa, North America, South America, Europa and Oceania. We’ve always been at war with Oceania.

Oceans: Atlantic, Pacific, Indian, Arctic and The Undersea Fish Of Gold Kingdom.

(you might want to fact check those answers.)

Dear Goldfish,
shut up and kiss me superman?

Sage advice, but I’m not Superman.

Dear Goldfish,

Ooh, a question from our international readers. That’s Indonesian and it means “anatomy of the digestive + dog +” OK, then, in Indonesian, food goes in the mulut, through the perut and out the dubur.

Dear Goldfish,
how to tell a blind date you limp?

Ha. I get it. Bah dum dum.

Dear Goldfish,
from a spiritual perspective what does it mean to see over a dozen gold fish in your dream?

From a spiritual perspective? Wha? It means that your brain was trying to entertain itself while you were sleeping.

Dear Goldfish,
im sorry i did not give you a proper burial ground goldfish?

That’s alright, since I am clearly still alive. For the record, I don’t need a proper burial when I die. Put me in a coffee can and throw me to the wind or something. I don’t care. I’ll be dead.

Dear Goldfish,
we landed a fucking robot on maars?

FUCK YEAH, WE DID. High five.

Dear Goldfish,
vagina it’s not a clown car?

No, it is not.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.