Hello, Internet. I’m bored and it’s Friday, which means that it’s time for Dear Goldfish, the (erratically) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, the internets, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
how many and countries are in shenanigans?

What? Is Shenanigans a continent?

Shenanigans is comprised of five countries: Tomfoolery, Mischief, Buffoonery, Antics and the Isle of Monkeyshines.

Dear Goldfish,
top down milky way hurt?

What? I have no idea how to answer that because I have no idea what it means. Here’s an equally nonsensical question for you: Why does it smell like pickles outside? (That’s a real question since it does actually smell like pickles outside. If anyone has any theories, I’d be happy to hear them.)

Dear Goldfish,
spider jerusalem hipster garbage?

No way! Screw anyone who says Transmetropolitan is either garbage or hipster. Booooo on that. Transmet happens to be my favorite comic series of all time. sigh. Hipsters ruin everything.

Dear Goldfish,
“montebello incident”?

Yes, I wrote a post called exactly that. It’s one of my favorite stories and quite entertaining if I do say so myself. You should read it here.

Dear Goldfish,
jebus where is this going?

I don’t know, but it’s not going fast enough.

Dear Goldfish,
i remember being dead?

Good for you. I don’t. I’ve been dead a few times and I don’t remember a thing. No light at the end of the tunnel, no pearly gates, no life flashing before my eyes, no out of body experience… nothing. Nada. Not even being aware that I was dead nor being aware that there was, in fact, nothing. I suppose if I was aware that there was nothing, that would technically be something. Anyway, back to the question: nothing. Sorry to disappoint.

Dear Goldfish,
robotic eyeball?

Yup. You can even wear them as jewelry if you’re into that sort of thing.

I kind of want one.

Dear Goldfish,
most popular blogs on wordpress.com?

I don’t know, but I can guarantee you it’s not this one.

Dear Goldfish,
how to cure stupidity?

Sorry, there is no cure for stupidity as far as I know. Please, feel free to invent one. I’m sure they’d give you a prize.

Dear Goldfish,
fuct about goldfish?

Hm? What does that mean? Yes, I feel quite fuct most of the time.

Dear Goldfish,
world’s stuidest cat?
dummest cat in the world?

These two questions were similar in their idiocy so we combined them. You do realize the total ridiculousness of misspelling both “stupidest” and “dumbest,” right? Anyway, my stupid cat post can be found here.

Dear Goldfish,
work as a goldfish not as a child?

Um, seriously, people, could you please try to make a little bit more sense from now on? These questions are giving me a headache. I don’t think either children nor goldfish should be required to work. Unless you count doing chores. Children should help their parents around the house.

Dear Goldfish,
the first time i fishbowled my car?

How does one fishbowl a car exactly? I wasn’t aware that fishbowl was a verb. I was operating under the impression that it was a noun. Silly me. Please, tell us all about how you fishbowled your car and what that even means. You must know since it seems you’ve fishbowled your car more than once.

Dear Goldfish,
картинки на пуми?

Russian again, eh? OK, let’s see what that means… “Pictures on the pumi?” What’s a pumi? I’m not sure what it is, but I can tell you I don’t have any pictures of one.

Dear Goldfish,
tidy up after myself?

Yes. That sounds like an excellent idea. We should all tidy up after ourselves.

Dear Goldfish,
can a lawn get too old?

Well, I’m sure that grass, like every other living thing does get old. I have no idea what the life expectancy for your average lawn is, but since grass is organic and all organic matter decays over time, I’m going to say, yes, a lawn can get too old.

Dear Goldfish,
money doesn’t fall from sky?

True, it does not. Unless there’s a plane carrying big bags of money that somehow crashes, money doesn’t typically fall from the sky. Generally, you have to earn it.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.