Dear Goldfish Part 11

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (hyperbolically) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by the internet. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
wizard of oz desserts?

Um, I’m sure someone has made a Wizard of Oz dessert before, but it’s not me. I don’t know why you’d think I’d be the right person to ask. Anyway, here’s an Oz cake I found online:

I wouldn’t eat the Wicked Witch if I were you.

Dear Goldfish,
writing of coolness?

Thank you. I like to think that my writing is cool.

Dear Goldfish,
“dog got stuck under the bed”?

Sigh. Yes, my dog got stuck under the bed. I wrote about it here. She’s also been whining a lot lately because she doesn’t fit in her favorite chair anymore.

Dear Goldfish,
who was unlucky? you or me???

Well, I don’t really believe in luck per se, but if I had to guess, I’d say it was me.

Dear Goldfish,
how was we came to dependent on technology to survive without?

What? Is that even a sentence? I mean, all the words are spelled correctly, but that question doesn’t make a lick of sense. Please, try again.

Dear Goldfish,
abe patterson photo?

Well, I know how you got here with that question. In the post More Well Known Facts, I spun a tale about the deadliest fish in the world and used a photo credited to Abe Patterson. Here’s a little Fish Of Gold Easter egg for you. While most of the names used on this blog are made up through a rigorous process of writing down the first thing that comes into my mind, the name Abe Patterson actually has a meaning. It was created by taking the first name from Abe Zapruder, the man who filmed the Kennedy assassination, and the surname of Roger Patterson, the man who filmed the famous Bigfoot footage. I don’t really know an Abe Patterson, but here’s the picture I used in that post:

A 1960 photograph taken near where Dr. Peters was last seen by Abe Patterson.

Dear Goldfish,
how do i cure stupid?

Sadly, as far as I know, there is no cure. Hopefully, science will be able to create one soon.

Dear Goldfish,
license plate frame i hate speed dumb?

What? That doesn’t make any sense. Why would you want “i hate speed dumb” on the back of your car? I’d suggest trying to come up with something a little more not ridiculous.

Dear Goldfish,
i’ve to wash my shoes by myself?

First, the contraction “I’ve” is awkward in that question. I’d consider typing out both words. Second, shoe washing isn’t exactly a thriving industry. Generally, shoe washing isn’t done unless you have some canvas shoes. You can throw those in the washer without any ill effects, but most shoes aren’t really “washed” as such. Perhaps they can be wiped down with a damp cloth, but not washed. Third, most of us have to wash our shoes by ourselves. Shoe washing is really a one-person job. You’re more than capable of doing it yourself.

Dear Goldfish,
facts about pumas?

Most people are probably blissfully unaware that there is no such cat as a puma. Puma is not a species, but a genus that contains a few different kinds of wild cats like the jagaurundi and the cougar. Puma is to pterosaur as cougar is to pterodactyl. The cougar is often referred to as a puma, hence the confusion. Also included in the puma genus is an overpriced brand of shoe:

An expensive suede puma in its natural habitat.

Personally, I’ve always preferred Vans:

Red suede Vans. Awesome.

Dear Goldfish,
3 things im good at?

OK, people, for the love of fuck, stop asking me what you are good at. For the last time, I don’t even know who you are, so I couldn’t possibly know what you are good at. Please ask friends, family, teachers and peers instead if you really don’t know.

Dear Goldfish,
зло бесы?

Russian again, eh? OK, let’s translate that… it means: evil demons? Isn’t that sort of redundant? I mean, is there any other kind of demon besides an evil one? Are they like Smurfs where they come in all flavors, e.g. Brainy Demon, Clumsy Demon, Vanity Demon and Demonette?
Grouchy Smurf is probably the closest to a demon.

Dear Goldfish,
8 inch articulated real woman?

I’m sorry that you’re so lonely. Just so you know, real women are usually A) articulated so adding that is a little redundant and B) not 8 inches. Real women tend to be a little taller than that. The world’s shortest woman was a whopping 23 inches tall.

Dear Goldfish,
what makes a hero sandwich a hero?

It’s not because of their heroic acts, that’s for sure. I’ve never heard of a hero sandwich climbing a tree to rescue a kitten. I think it has something to do with the bread, since the bread is the hero of every sandwich. Without bread, you wouldn’t have a sandwich. You’d just have a handful of meat and condiments. The truth is, no one really knows where the term “hero” came from to describe a sandwich.

Dear Goldfish,
i hate my own sense of humor?

I’m sorry to hear that. The sad fact is, not everyone in this world is funny. In fact, funny seems to be a relative rarity as far as personality traits are concerned. The important thing here is that at least you recognize the fact that you’re not funny. The worst thing in the world is someone who thinks they’re funny when they’re not.

Dear Goldfish,
hitler fish?

Oh, fine. Call my bluff. So, the worst thing in the world isn’t a phony comic, but Hitler. Hitler is the worst thing in the world. Or he used to be anyway. I have no idea what you think Hitler and fish have in common. Let alone the fish known as me.

Dear Goldfish,
goldfish nibble my penis?

EXCUSE ME!? This is a family column. Well, it isn’t really, but damn, I don’t even know you. So, no, I will not nibble your penis. I’d appreciate it if my audience refrained from such talk again. You will get no sexual acts from me. Ewwwww. Moving on.

Dear Goldfish,
things that have 15 parts?

Lots of things have fifteen parts. A lot of things have even more than fifteen parts, like a car. I can’t really think of anything that specifically has fifteen parts. That last question threw me off  bit. Sorry.

Dear Goldfish,
fuck the constitution?

Hey, now. If it weren’t for the United States Constitution, you wouldn’t even be able to say fuck the constitution. I’m rather fond of it myself. It protects my rights.

Dear Goldfish,
bukowski math was never my strong suit?

I’m not sure what Bukowski math is. Did he invent his own variety of mathematics? Or did he just say that math was never his strong suit? I don’t recall mentioning a Bukowski quote like that. I can tell you with all certainty that I might have said math was never my strong suit, because it isn’t. Like, at all.

Dear Goldfish,
how would you get out the front door if you’re snowed in?

Simple. Two words: start digging. Or you could build a makeshift refrigerator like this person did:

Nature’s refrigerator.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.