Hello, my peoples. I’ve been a busy elf and haven’t had much time to stop by and say hello. So, hello. How is everything?

I’ll write more when I’m not stuffed so full of free Italian food my company catered for lunch. It would have been a super nice gesture if it didn’t seem so much like an underhanded attempt on my life. Every single thing there was chock full of cheese. I can’t digest cheese. I ate it anyway. Hence, they are clearly trying to kill me. I would run away from this obvious assassination attempt if I could move, but all the cheese is making it difficult. I’m not much of a ninja when carrying around a bowling ball full of cheese in my stomach. They know it too, the crafty bastards.

Anyway, as I await my inevitable end from cheese poisoning, I leave you a quick and stupid holiday card…

…And a conversation I had with Male:

Me: I got a $250 Xmas bonus! w00t!
Male: Sweet! What are you going to buy me?
Me: Um, a cup of coffee.
Male: Hm. It’s your duty to stimulate the economy.
Me: And maybe a newspaper.
Male: A Sunday paper?
Me: Yes, if it’s Sunday and you’re good.
Male: Wow. It’s like Christmas.
Me: God bless us every one and an angel gets its wings or summat.
Male: And American baby Jesus keeps us safe from muslim socialists everywhere.
Me: Yes. Ima buy a set of truck nuts. Guess I need to buy a truck to go with my nuts.
Male: Naw, just staple them to the dog.