Dear Goldfish Part 4

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the series where I answer questions asked by the internet. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines.

Dear Goldfish,
rosie the jetsons nap?

Hm. Did Rosie from The Jetsons take naps? I don’t remember since I haven’t seen that show since I was little. I mention The Jetsons a lot on this blog because I’m annoyed that I still don’t have a Jetsons’ car or Rosie, the robotic maid. This is 2011, for fuck’s sake. We should have had Hal 10 years ago, but no. We don’t have any robots that do housework at all. Sorry, I’m off topic. What was the question again? A Rosie nap? What does that mean? Regardless of the logic of your query, yes, I’d like a nap, thanks, and while we’re at it, I’d also like a Rosie.

Dear Goldfish,
whats the first amendment?

Well, my esteemed reader, the first amendment is arguably the most important amendment to the United States Constitution. It reads as follows:


The First Amendment gives us a right to express our opinions, publicly or privately, no matter what they are or how they differ from the majority. It gives us the privilege of worshiping any god we choose, or none at all, without government interference. It allows us the ability to protest anything we don’t like about the government. Without the First Amendment, there would be no Occupy Wall Street movement at all.

And then we have a related question…

Dear Goldfish,
how the first amendment can be improved?

Well, dear audience, I’ve already written up the answer for you in The New And Improved First Amendment and The New And Improved First Amendment Part 2 if you’re curious.

Dear Goldfish,
orangutan lottery?

Is that a lottery where you win an orangutan or a lottery for orangutans? Either way, I don’t think anyone wins in that scenario. Orangutans shouldn’t be gambling.

Dear Goldfish,
yokai action figures?

Interestingly, they do exist. I’m not sure why exactly except that yokai are Japanese and the Japanese seem to have action figures for everything. For example, you could buy this lovely Buttocks Eye:

“1/9th scale fully articulated action figure stands 8 inches tall and plays with all Yokai”

Or this articulated Umbrella Ghost:

Some people clearly have too much time on their hands.

Dear Goldfish,
your laugh makes bad things?

I don’t believe so. If I was laughing at someone in a derisive manner, it might make someone feel badly, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes, people need to be pointed and laughed at to make them feel better about themselves. I don’t believe my laugh has the power to “make” anything other than laughter. That would be an interesting concept for a super villain in a comic book or something. The Laugher can cause bad things simply by laughing. Although, I suppose that’s a little too similar to The Joker, so never mind.

Dear Goldfish,
‘anyone missing a shoe”?

Hm. I guess this person still hasn’t found the owner to the missing shoe from the last time I asked in Part Two. I’ll ask again; anyone missing a shoe? If so, please contact that random person on the internet who keeps asking me.

Dear Goldfish,
courage, honor, justice, and a readiness to help the weak?

Wow, that’s a mouthful. That’s a lot to ask of one person. I have found that courage and a readiness to help the weak are more readily found in this world than honor and justice. There are a lot of courageous and philanthropic people in the world. It’s much more difficult to find someone who is honorable and justice is nearly impossible. Still, those are excellent qualities to strive towards. Good luck.

Dear Goldfish,
if only i could know my future?

Alright, people. Enough with the fanciful wishes of knowing your own future. You won’t know your own future until you live it yourself. That said, there are things that you can do to make your future potentially better. You could get a new job, go back to school, learn a new trade, move to another city, etc. All of these things could change your future for the better… maybe. Or they might make it worse. Who knows? The answer is no one knows what the future holds. Just do your best.

Dear Goldfish,
describe a person who make me laugh?

I am not sure what you find funny, so I can’t, in all honesty, describe a person who makes you laugh. Hopefully, if you read this column, I make you laugh from time to time. People who make me laugh are broad and varied in number. And we have another related question…

Dear Goldfish,
your laugh so funny your laugh sounds like?

Thank you for the compliment (I think). My laugh sounds like, well, it sounds like a fairly standard laugh. It’s a pretty good laugh. It has served me well. I described it here.

Dear Goldfish,
“i am not bukowski”?

No, I can say with certainty that you are not, mostly since Charles Bukowski is dead. I am not Bukowski either, but I have been told that I write like him, which I certainly take as the highest of compliments. I hope you don’t find it too shattering to hear that you are not, in fact, Bukowski, valued reader.

Dear Goldfish,
does gold fish bloat go away by itself?

Well, that’s an awfully personal question, don’t you think? There’s got to be someone better qualified to discuss this than me. I’ll give it my best shot. Once a month, women get, well, how do I put this? We, um, well, we experience “female troubles,” which can produce symptoms that include moodiness, irritability, cramps, and yes, bloat. Once our monthly time is over, the symptoms do tend to go away by themselves. If you have any more questions on that, ask your mother or your health teacher in school.

Dear Goldfish,
jesus my ass?

Ahem, I’m not sure that “to Jesus” is a verb. If it is, what is the definition of it?

Jesus |ˈjēˈsəs|
verb ( Jes•uss•ing ; past Jes•uss•ed )
DERIVATIVES
Je•suss•a•ble |ˈjēˈəsəbəl| adjective
Je•suss•er |ˈjēˈskəsər| noun

To make water into wine? To turn fish into loaves of bread? To die on a cross? I’m going to Jesus this water into wine for the dinner party.

If it is a verb, how does one “Jesus your ass” exactly? Kids these days… You’ve stumped me.

Dear Goldfish,
reasons when is killing acceptable?

It’s always acceptable to kill. Oh, excuse me a moment…

I can’t say that? Really? Why not? … Oh.

Thanks for waiting. I’ve just been informed that it’s never acceptable to kill.  Killing is considered a “sin,” whatever that is, and it’s against the law almost everywhere. The only times you’re allowed to kill by law are in self defense and shooting little fuzzy animals, provided that you have a hunting license. That doesn’t seem fair to me. It should always be acceptable to kill.

…Well, it should be! … Alright, alright. Fine. I’ll lie then.

Dear audience, it’s never acceptable to kill. Killing, apparently, is not a respectable pastime. Killing is bad. Don’t kill things, okay? I wrote more detail on this subject here if you’d like more information. Moving on.

Dear Goldfish,
who the leader in graphic design?

I have no idea, but I can tell you it’s not me. That’s all I know really. Other than some coworkers, I couldn’t name even one graphic designer. I don’t go to conventions or trade shows. I don’t have graphic design magazine subscriptions. I don’t pay attention to industry trends. I probably should, but I find that I just don’t care what’s “in” or “trendy” right now in any area, especially graphic design. I do classic work that is never out of style, or so I’d like to believe.

Dear Goldfish,
evolution of the word glossophobia?

I’m not sure why you’re asking me instead of Wikipedia, since I’m just going to quote Wikipedia anyway, but here you have it:

Glossophobia or speech anxiety is the fear of public speaking.  The word glossophobia comes from the Greek γλῶσσα glōssa, meaning tongue, and φόβος phobos, fear or dread.

Dear Goldfish,
carl sagan fish?

Carl “Bad MoFo” Sagan

No, cherished reader, Carl Sagan was not a fish. He was a human being. He was actually one of my favorite human beings, even though I didn’t know him personally. He said amazing things like this:

For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.

All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

RIP, Mr. Sagan.

Dear Goldfish,
what does the fishbowl sticker mean?

I don’t have any stickers, so I’m not sure what they would mean if I did have some. Maybe I should make some up. Feel free to print these out and glue them to your car.

We could go with the classic:

Or just the fish version:

Or some catchy tag line:

Sorry, I’m too lazy to do any real design for these right now. Maybe someday I’ll create some real stickers. The possibilities are endless, but to get back to the question at hand: what does the fishbowl sticker mean? It means absolutely nothing, dear reader. Nothing at all.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for this week. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back next week for more Dear Goldfish! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.