1. I hate it when people tell you shit that you already know as if you’re a goddamn moran and didn’t think of that. “Oh really? Why didn’t I think of turning the computer off and turning it on again!? How silly of me! That is excellent advice, brainiac!” Duh, of course that was the first thing I tried. And yes, it’s plugged in. I’m not a total moron, just a partial one.
2. I hate passive aggression. My grandmother was a passive black belt kung fu master. Because of her, I cannot tolerate it. “It would be nice if you could stop at the store and pick up some milk on the way home.” “Yeah, it would be,” I’d reply, “but it’s not going to happen unless you ask me straight out.” No milk was had that day. Neither of us would ever back down. I HATE PASSIVE AGGRESSION. ‘It would be nice if you…’ is not a request. It is a statement of opinion and as such, it does not require action. If you want something, ask for it. It’s very simple. “Would you stop at the store and pick up some milk, please?” “Okay.” “Thank you!” “You’re welcome.” Done and done.
3. I hate when people mouth words at me expecting that I understand whatever covert message they’re trying to convey. I’m partially deaf in my right ear, but I am a terrible deaf person. I can’t read lips for shit. I’ve never been able to. So, I can’t hear you and I can’t read your lips. If you’re mouthing words to me, I won’t have a clue what you’re saying. I’ll start by giving you a quizzical look and a shoulder shrug where you will repeat yourself. This process will be repeated at least two more times before I’ll awkwardly bob my head up and down or side to side. I always seem to guess wrong as to which reaction is correct. You could save us all a lot of trouble by getting up, walking over to me and telling me what it is you want to tell me. A text message, note or homing pigeon would work as well.
4. “Can I ask you something?” This is the worst question in the history of questions. First, you just did. There’s a question mark on the end, which means that when you asked if you could ask a question, you just asked a question. It’s a vicious query circle. Second, people rarely use “may I” anymore; it’s usually “can I.” Can I use your bathroom? Well, I’m not sure. Can you? You seem old enough to be potty trained. It’s supposed to be “may I,” but that sounds so formal and grandmotherly. I’m guilty of this as well. Third, any question that has that question as a preamble is just bound to be awkward. It’s never “Can I ask you something? What’s your favorite color?” What’s your favorite color doesn’t need an introductory question. “Can I ask you something?” is almost always followed by something that will be difficult to answer and force us to reveal something about ourselves. And because it is a preamble question, we always prepare for the worst. When the post-question question comes, if it’s not “Have you ever thought of killing me and how?” I am automatically relieved.
5. And while we’re on the subject of stupid sayings, “It could have been worse.” “That is like so totally true. Instead of getting into a car accident, being struck by lightning and losing my job on the same day, I could be constipated, too!” What the hell kind of sympathy is that? You might as well say, “at least you’re not dead.” Well, that’s true, but if I were dead, none of the above would bother me. The thing is, I know how difficult it is to think of something to say in situations like that. We’ve all said it because we don’t know what else to say, but I really think we can do better. If we put our collective thinking caps on, we can come up with something to say that’s not quite so idiotic in difficult situations. Let me know if you have any suggestions.
6. Splitting checks in restaurants. Someone always gets the short end of that stick. “Let’s see. I had 9 appetizers, 4 cocktails and the half a cow special. You had a small salad and an iced tea. Should we just split it?” Um, sure. That’s fair.
7. Socks with sandals and short sleeve sweaters/turtlenecks. What is that? Either it’s cold enough to wear socks and a turtleneck or it’s not. There’s no in-between here. You can’t halfway socks and sweaters. It’s either long-sleeve sweaters and turtlenecks or a short-sleeve shirt. It’s either socks with proper shoes or sandals. Pick a side. Either you’re in or you’re out. It’s all about the layers, people.
8. And while we’re on the subject of shoes, I hate them. I hate wearing shoes. I find them binding and unnatural. First thing I do when I get home is take off my shoes. The closest thing there is to not wearing shoes at all is the flip-flop. I own several pair. I wore a pair to work once and I decided I couldn’t wear them again because of the terrifically loud, office-inappropriate sound they make, which as you well know, is a repetitive, onomatopoeic FLIP-FLOP. Someone needs to come up with a silent, ninja flip flop–an anti-flip-flop if you will–so that I can wear anti-shoes to work. I’ll never be a proper ninja until they do.
9. I hate that men can walk around the neighborhood shirtless and women can’t. When it’s 120 degrees outside, I might like to be shirtless too, but it’s not ok for women. Not that I’m big on being naked in public, because I’m really not, but if it were as socially acceptable for women to go around shirtless as it is for men, I probably would, at least in my own backyard. Also, this bra thing has to go. What a stupid idea. I curse you, inventor of the brassière, whoever you are. Fuck you, you (most likely) French bastard.
10. Super laziness. I am lazy. I really am. I’m not always good about chores, but if you’re going to do something, why not do it all the way? Lazy I can deal with; it’s super lazy that bugs the hell out of me. Here are a few examples of what I mean by super lazy:
10a. Putting a dish in the sink because you don’t feel like washing it right then (lazy), but not rinsing it out so that when you finally do go to wash it, the food is all dried, crusty and baked on (super lazy). It’s 10 times as gross and 10 times the work when you don’t just rinse the damn dish when you put it in the sink.
10b. Getting a roll of toilet paper and putting it next to the toilet instead of just taking the extra 10 seconds to put it on the holder.
10c. Vacuuming the house and then not putting the vacuum cleaner away. You already did the hard part, which is the vacuuming, but you’ll just leave the damn vacuum cleaner, cord still plugged into the wall, in the middle of the living room? Why?
10d. Not shutting drawers and cabinets. You had to open it to get something out, why not shut the damn thing?