Well-Known Facts: World Record Mammal Edition

The amphibious anatinus bob in the wild.

This is a continuation of my photographic, scientific investigation of Well-Known Facts.

The World’s Smallest Mammal

FACT:
The smallest living mammal is the amphibious anatinus bob weighing in at up to 2 ounces (56 grams) with a height and wing span of approximately a centimeter (about 0.4 inches). Interestingly, Bob feet are the heaviest body part by volume.

PROOF:
Here is the amphibious anatinus bob in its natural habitat:

The amphibious anatinus bob in the wild.

Notable features of the amphibious anatinus bob include its rotund paunch and wings that don’t seem capable of flight, yet somehow support its entire weight without much effort. Scientist theorize that, because the bob is so small, the slightest air current is enough to carry it like a hang glider. The wings are completely featureless and nearly shapeless; it’s almost as if someone got lazy when drawing him.

The amphibious anatinus bob has feet nearly the size of its head that are equipped with proportionately massive talons, its only defense against predators. The talons are quite sharp, but due to the bob’s diminutive stature, they don’t damage much of anything. However, its size is what has allowed it to thrive as long as it has. Many creatures won’t bother eating it because even a gnat would make a more succulent snack and those talons are hard to digest.

As its name would suggest, it is amphibious in a sense. The bob doesn’t have enough mass to break the surface tension of water, so it mostly just lies on top of it and naps. The amphibious anatinus bob is a genetic throwback; bob physiology hasn’t changed much since the Paleolithic era. Scientists are very fond of studying it for the secrets it holds to the past. The species has gained almost pet-like status to many due to its cuteness and playful temperament. It’s amazing that the species has survived as long as it has since it’s a right daft little thing, but if your brain was smaller than the head of a pin, you wouldn’t be a mental giant either.

The World’s Largest Mammal

FACT:
The largest living mammal is the plesapumaurus maximus which is actually a continent. It’s been sleeping for a long, long time.

PROOF:
Here’s one of the continents on the planet Earth as we know it. Granted, one of those white squiggly countries is two white squiggly countries now, the real continent isn’t quite as white, it doesn’t have huge letters on top of the countries spelling out what they are, and it has slightly more topographical features, but for the purposes of this scientific exercise, try to overlook that. Anyway, the general shape has stayed the same. I present an outdated map of one of Earth’s continents:

A Continent That Shall Not Be Named

Now, here’s an outline of the same continent superimposed over the supposed dimensions of the plesapumaurus maximus:

A continent superimposed over the plesapumaurus maximus.

As you can see, it looks very much like a giant dog, the biggest dog ever actually. Interestingly, the etymology of the phrase let sleeping dogs lie can be attributed to the plesapumaurus maximus since it would be very bad for this continent if the plesapumaurus maximus were ever to wake up. In fact, it wouldn’t be good for the rest of the continents either since a dog that big running around is sure to do a tremendous amount of property damage. Scientists are unsure whether the rest of the continents are made of giant animals as well. Some say, for example, that another continent is actually the belly of a gigantic penguin:

But that’s a subject for another day. For now, let’s stick to the facts; that being that the largest living mammal is the plesapumaurus maximus, which is actually a continent and it’s been sleeping for a long, long time.

This post is part of The Well-Known Facts Series.