Well-Known Facts: Dog Edition

German Shorthaired Pointer anatomy as see from the inside.

This edition of Well-Known Facts focuses on the dog and their relation to astrophysics.

Dogs produce more poop than the volume of food that they eat. Their mouths are connected to an alternate point in spacetime, which sucks in dark matter and shoots it out the other end as a solid in our reality. Cosmologists believe there might be a link between a dog’s digestive track and wormholes, but have yet to come up with any workable hypotheses.

Just the sheer volume of dog poop in comparison to the amount of food a dog eats is enough proof. Most dogs ingest a cup or two of food a day and produce about a pound of waste product. That discrepancy in weight has to come from somewhere and it might as well be another dimension in spacetime, so say scientists. Here’s a picture of a standard looking German Pointer:

German Shorthaired Pointer as seen from the outside.

From the outside, it looks like a dog. That’s because it is a dog. But when we take a look at the inside of this dog, well, we see that it’s still a dog, but there are more complicated things at work here:

German Shorthaired Pointer anatomy as see from the inside.

As you can see, the mouth connects to an alternate point in spacetime. Scientists are unsure if a dog’s mouth is a black hole that sucks everything into it or if it is, as Dr. Guenther Hackersteinenreich theorizes, more of a portal to trans-dimensional flight. I’d say, based on the data available, that it’s more of a traversable wormhole variety of theoretical space objects since, if it were a black hole swallowing everything in its path, there would be a lot more waste coming out on this end than just a pound per dog per day. But that’s neither here nor there at the moment. Let’s carry on with the diagram.

Scientists have yet to determine whether a dog’s mouth is a black hole or a traversable wormhole, but we do know that it is connected to another point in spacetime. For example, here’s a picture of a dog’s mouth.

Hm, you can’t really see it there. Here’s a closer closeup of the same picture you see above:

Super close closeup of a dog’s mouth.

Can you see the wormhole? It even seems to be rotating around in a circle. That is not your normal mammal mouth hole.

So, once matter, either dark matter or regular matter, is either sucked into a black hole, or perhaps falls or flies into a wormhole, it makes its way down the esophagus, or wormhole as it is marked on the diagram, at an alarming rate of speed. Some scientists theorize that the matter going on this trip is twisted, contorted and stretched, so that it is never the same again. No human could survive such a trip, at least, not with the lame technology we have now.

Once matter makes its way through the wormhole it reaches the stomach, a.k.a. the dark matter converter. This is when things get really theoretically complex. Since we don’t really even know what dark matter is to begin with, we don’t really know how it is turned into a solid waste product. Humans don’t have the mathematical prowess to calculate it yet. But, for hypothetical purposes, we’ll just say that it transforms from dark matter to solid waste through a complex process of digestion.

Once the dark matter has been transformed into a solid dog-like waste product, it makes its way through both the large and small intestines at a slower rate than through the zippy esophagus/wormhole until it is expelled through the dark matter ejection port, also known as the bum.

Humans go around collecting it in little bags and throwing it away, completely oblivious to the scientific answers it might hold on inter-dimensional spacetime travel. What we really need to do in order to prove this hypothesis is to send something through in reverse, but again, we don’t have the technology for that and we don’t even know if that’s theoretically possible since we can’t count that high. The next best thing would be to find the mouth of a dog in space somewhere and come through the conventional way, but I can’t imagine anyone volunteering for that assignment.

So, until we have the computational ability of more than a monkey with a laptop, we’re stuck with silly hypotheses like this one. Maybe someday we will determine what dark matter is. Maybe someday, we’ll know the secrets to a dog’s digestive tract. Maybe someday, I’ll finally get my Jetson’s car. Yes, maybe someday.

This post is part of The Well-Known Facts Series.