1. This one is so obvious that it seems like it shouldn’t need to be said, not to mention that it makes the rest of the things I hate seem insignificant (which they are), but I’m going to say it anyway; I hate child molesters. It seems like they’re everywhere these days. I read the news, and every day, there’s another story about some pervert who put his/her grubby paws on a child. Children are innocent and should remain that way, you sick freaks. If you ever think of a child in a remotely sexual way, do the world a favor and kill yourself now.
2. Regular people who mourn celebrity deaths. What is that? These celebrities didn’t know you and you didn’t know them. You only know the version of them that they meted out to the public. These people are not your friends, so stop crying over a fantasy. There are enough real reasons to be sad in this world (see #1.) without inventing melancholy over actors, musicians, etc. that you didn’t even know. Being sad that they will no longer produce anything creative or that they left loved ones behind, sure, but mourning a celebrity as if they are a close personal friend is just silly and false. They wouldn’t cry over you.
3. Asshole Americans. I’ve complained about stupid Americans on this blog before, but I’m talking about the assholes. I’m referring to the people who genuinely think that a massive tsunami in Japan is somehow payback for Pearl Harbor. As if a natural disaster is even remotely comparable to a man-made event that happened 70 years ago for which we bombed the ever-lovin’ crap out of the Japanese in return. You didn’t hear the Japanese say, “Katrina is payback for Nagasaki and Hiroshima.” You know why? Because it’s mean-spirited and it’s not true. I know you’d all like to think there is some sort of just world, but there isn’t. Everything that happens on this tiny blue ball wobbling through space is random, including natural disasters. Anyone who utters idiotic words like those in my presence will get an instantaneous faceslap. Shut your gaping maw, you fucking morans.
4. I hate how, every decade or so, there’s another prophecy giving an exact date and time when the world will supposedly end. This is not the Dark Ages when most of these predictions were made. We have things like science now that make things like Nostradamus’ incredibly vague predictions obsolete. Remember when you thought that the year 2000 was the end of the world, religious nutters? Or the year 1000, or March 21, 1843, or June 21, 1982, or September 5, 1994… Well, guess what, you were wrong then and you’re wrong now. You’ve been wrong for a long, long time. The rapture is not coming in in May and the world isn’t ending in October. However, if perchance you are correct, if an invisible spiritual vacuum does managed to suck all the Christians up into space, I look forward to five months without any Christians before the world ends. It sounds alright to me.
5. I hate when I walk into a restaurant and the waitstaff asks me if I’ve been there before. What possible bearing could that have on eating there now? I assume they ask in order to skip the part where they tell me about the 100 different microbrews on tap, which are all listed on the menu anyway, but I wouldn’t know because I always say yes, even if it’s a lie. I can tell you this much, an affirmative answer gets you nothing – no discount, no secret handshake, nada. Restaurants, instead of forcing your waitstaff to memorize and recite a bunch of nonsense, write your specials on a board or even hand them out on a piece of paper. Don’t make your waitstaff rattle off a bunch of specials that I don’t care about and I probably can’t hear over the din anyway. Waiting tables is hard enough without having to give a speech to every customer. Maybe next time I’m asked that inane question, I’ll answer no just to see what happens. This brings me to #6…
6. I hate overly friendly waitstaff. I particularly hate it when a waiter squats down at the table so he is at eye level. Waitresses, I’ve noticed, never do this. It’s always waiters. We, as diners, have become used to waitstaff towering over us as we sit at a table. It’s the norm. When a waiter squats down to look me in the eye, it seems abnormal. It feels like he is invading my personal space. Also, I don’t really want to have a conversation with a waiter unless it’s about food. I know that may sound mean or snobby, but I generally avoid conversations with most strangers, regardless of their profession. Odds are pretty good that, if I’m in a restaurant, I’m eating with someone and having a conversation with that person; I don’t usually go to restaurants alone unless I’m on a road trip or I’m meeting someone. I wouldn’t walk up and just start blathering to you while you were conversing with a friend and trying to eat, so don’t do it to me.
7. I hate the strange things people name their children. Whatever happened to normal names? Who started this idiotic trend of finding the most ridiculous baby name possible? It needs to stop. Even if we know how to pronounce these names, they’re still dumb: Madison, Addison, Brooklyn, Taylor, Avery, Harper, McKenna, etc. These are not names for children; they are surnames or names of towns, envelopes and airports. Not one of those names is gender specific, so we can’t tell if the child is a boy or a girl. I know you all want your precious little snowflake to stand out from the crowd, but if they’re going to do that, they will, regardless of whatever stupid name you give them. “Look at pictures of my child Fort Lauderdale Telephone Banana Dentist Fish! Isn’t he/she cute?”
8. I hate when people ask to borrow something that isn’t really loanable, like a piece of paper, a breath mint, gum or a cigarette. “Can I borrow a smoke?” “No, but you can have one. I don’t want it back when you’re done.” When you borrow things, it is implied that you intend to return them, e.g. a library book, money or a table saw. You don’t borrow a piece of gum. Nobody wants a chewed up piece of gum returned to them. I also hate when people ask if you have an extra something. “Do you have an extra piece of gum?” “No, sorry, this pack came with the standard number of pieces in it.” If you want something, just ask for it straight out. “May I have a piece of gum, please?” “Why, yes, you may.” “Thank you!” “You’re welcome!” Simple.
9. I hate the buzzwords that advertisers use to get you to think that something is healthier for you or better for the environment. For example, organic is used on everything from food to cleaning supplies. American public, just so you know, technically, everything that grows is organic… everything. Organic, in chemistry terms, simply means compounds containing carbon, which applies to everything living, but advertisers don’t mean it that way. They want you to think that organic means free from pesticides and chemicals, which is all fine and well and good, except for the fact that that’s not what the word actually means. I know I’m just being semantically nit-picky here, but I wish they had picked a more accurate word. Other phrases that drive me nuts are “fat free” on products that are obviously free from fat in the first place (sugar doesn’t contain any fat, but it does contain sugar); the same goes for products marked as “sugar free” (this black cup of coffee is naturally sugar free!); “light” when it could only possibly refer to the color, the weight when computing it based on the gravity of, say, Mars, or when compared to the weight of plutonium; and the designation “real” as opposed to imaginary or make-believe, I guess. This brings me to #10…
10. I hate that people buy into these buzzwords and marketing gimmicks. For instance, people who think that eating a salad from McDonald’s is healthy simply because it’s a salad, when that same salad is made up of iceberg lettuce, which has little nutritional value, it’s weighed down with health-conscious toppings like bacon, and it’s positively drowned in salad dressing and sodium. That’s not healthy. Granted, it’s slightly healthier than eating 10 Big Macs, but not by much. The fact that McDonald’s and other fast food chains have lines to get their terrible, unhealthy, overpriced food is scary.