Search Words

I love looking at the stats for this blog. It satisfies the part of my brain that likes pie charts, which probably isn’t that vastly different from the part of my brain that likes pie. Granted, the pie chart section of my brain is small, especially in comparison to the part that likes pie, but I try to sate it nonetheless. My pie chart brain enjoys facts and figures. It likes to see what people are reading. By far, the most popular post on this blog ever is The World’s Dumbest Cat. Apparently, people like reading about dumb cats. It surprises me that the dumb cat post is the most popular, but I suppose since a lot of people like lolcats and refer to Saturday as Caturday, it’s not that great of a leap.

My favorite section of the site stats is search engine terms. These are words that people have typed into a search engine and somehow made their way to this site. Most of them can be explained away, but some are quite strange even if they can be explained. Following are some actual words and phrases that people used to come to my blog. I swear, I didn’t make any of these up.

shitten ninnyhammer
Both of those words were used in the post The Wonderful World of English. I just can’t believe that anyone put those two words together and searched it. I’d like to meet this person and give them a vigorous handshake. Rock on.

saline freak balls
I wrote a post about Human Freaks. All three of those words are in the post. Whatever floats your boat, anonymous internet searcher. If you want to search for saline freak balls, who am I to judge? Especially since it led you here.

I used the term “fluxinator” as the name of a time machine I invented in a fictional post called The Fluxinator. Why anyone would search for a fluxinator has me stumped unless maybe it actually exists somewhere and I inadvertently stole someone’s invention.

Why is honesty embarrassing?

I wrote a post called Embarrassing Honesty, but I have no idea why anyone would be asking the internet why honesty is embarrassing. It seems like a strange thing to ask the internet.

examples of pageant fishbowl questions
What? I can’t even hazard a guess as to what that means. This is one of a slew of searches that led here because of the words fish, fishbowl or goldfish. I don’t even have any fish and I certainly have none for sale nor any information on same. It’s the price I pay for naming this blog. Perhaps I should change the name of it to Welcome to the Shitten Ninnyhammer or Saline Freak Balls.

poseidon fishbowl drink recipes
I know for a fact, I’ve never written any drink recipes. You want a drink recipe? Find a glass, pour in some good bourbon and drink. While we’re at it, what’s this about Poseidon and what does any of this have to do with a fishbowl?

goldfish should die
I really hope this person isn’t referring to me personally as the one who “should die”, but either way, this person seems to have a hatred of fish. Poor fish.

fishbowl speak for children
The fact that anyone was looking for something “for children” called “fishbowl speak” (whatever the hell that is) and found their way here is horrifying. Apparently, they didn’t see the disclaimer in the About section that says this site is not for children or the post on saline freak balls.

hurty imaginary friend
Awwww. I have used both of those as tags on this site. They can be found over there to the right. I hope this person got some help with their imaginary friend. The worst kind of imaginary friend is a hurty one.

sutlers & suppliers
I used the word “sutler” in the fictional post The Spanish Main about pirates! Arrr, matey. A sutler is a supplier, but our intrepid internet searcher typed both words and a fancypants ampersand. Sutler is one of those archaic words I love that’s probably not too commonly used anymore, not even on the internets. Sadly, I am neither a sutler nor a pirate.

vegetable metaphors
I’ve written about vegetables in a few posts and metaphors in the post Metaphorical Royalty, but I don’t recall using both together. In fact, I can’t even think of a vegetable metaphor.

the things I’ve seen priest malt liquor commercial

Ah, the things I’ve seen… I find this one interesting because it contains so many different words. It’s not often that you see “priest” and “malt liquor” together. I wrote about the evils of malt liquor in the post Public Service Announcement. It’s actually a rather amusing anecdote, if I do say so myself. You should read it.

“emoticon for hate”
I wrote about how there isn’t an emoticon for hate in the very first 10 Things I Hate. Apparently, someone else out there would like an emoticon for hate as well. Has anyone figured out an emoticon for hate yet?

dali spider
I wrote about Dali’s spider in the post Mi Salvador, but why anyone out there would put those two words together besides me is a mystery.

world’s dumbest rubber
This one is from The World’s Dumbest Cat where I talk about my dumb cat’s propensity for chewing on rubber doorstops, but I’m not sure if that’s the kind of rubber this person was looking for. Can rubber be anything besides dumb? Last I checked, rubber didn’t have a whole lot going on upstairs.

googly eyes and shaky head
This is also from The World’s Dumbest Cat. It made the list because it seemed like an oddly specific thing to search for to me. I hope this person isn’t afflicted with the above.

the revenge of the retarded monkeys
I wrote a post called Joy Division and The Retarded Monkeys. Perhaps I should do a follow up piece called The Revenge Of The Retarded Monkeys. It has a nice ring to it.

do the finnish wish they were american?
Probably not. It’s most likely the other way around. This one led here because of the post On Being Finnish I would imagine.

examples of paranoid delusions

This one has me stumped. Although it’s not outside the realm of possibility that I experience them, I don’t think I’ve ever written about paranoid delusions. Maybe the internet is trying to tell me something. Maybe I’m being watched.

I am single have no kids what is middle class for me
This is probably because of my rant In The Middle where I talk about how single people sans kids get screwed. I feel for you, anonymous internet searcher. Power to the single, non-breeders.

things I hate about semi-trucks
I’ve written 7 Parts now of Things I Hate, but I don’t remember ever mentioning a hatred of semi-trucks. I’m actually mainly indifferent to them.

cowboy action ammunition for sale
This one got here because of my post on GUNS, but sadly, I have no “cowboy action ammunition for sale”. I wish I did.

left-handed + evil
Yeah, I have a post called The Left Hand Is Evil!, but I was being facetious whereas I’m not so sure about this person. Left-handers are not evil. At least, not strictly because we’re left-handed.

I love that searching the term “epic” gets to my blog. I’m going to start using it more. Epic epic epic epic… EPIC.

what is a milky discharge and itchy anus mean
Ewwwwww. I have never discussed discharge or anuses, milky, itchy or otherwise. I feel very sorry for the person who found my site with those search words since there is no practical information on that topic here at all. Curiously, as soon as I post this, I’m sure that more people who are afflicted with itchy anuses will find their way here. I apologize in advance. I would recommend seeing a doctor.

In other news, I managed to use the term “saline freak balls” five times in this post (including the instance in this very sentence). I rule.

More fun and exciting search words can be found in Search Words Part 2. The Electric Boogaloo is implied.